Reminiscing

I’ve been listening to old 90s rock that’s been taking me back. It’s so cool to listen to stuff you haven’t heard in a while and just reminisce in the feelings you once had. Trying to remember all the things you were doing back when you listened to this stuff regularly. Remembering old friends you don’t talk to anymore. It also helps bring some issues to the surface that maybe I wasn’t aware of at the time.

I feel like I was a good kid, and for what? No one cares. And the people who were supposed to care didn’t notice. I brag about what a good kid I was now, comparing my teen years to those of my co-workers, and everyone is surprised, but not really impressed. My parents had a completely different perspective. I tried to be perfect, but no one is, so I failed. And each imperfection to them constituted what a rebellious pain-in-the-butt kid I was. They don’t even know how many times I turned down invitations to do things behind their back, because I knew it wasn’t right. I tried to do all the right things and impress my parents and earn all the “privileges” they spoke of – using the internet, the phone, etc. The downside is that I was horribly broken and insecure inside. These qualities were great because they taught me to not be spoiled, but they also put that idea in my head that I don’t deserve anything, because I’m not perfect enough to have earned it. And now that my parents don’t have the role in my life, I desperately want someone to care about what a good kid I am… er… was. I mean, not desperately… I know, I’m supposed to care. And I do. I don’t need anyone else to care. I’m proud of myself. That’s enough. But at the same time, it’s nice to have someone else care about it, you know? That’s one of those deep down issues. Deep down I’m looking for someone to require a lot of out of me and to acknowledge all the effort, dedication and character that’s gone into my life. Hence I want a guy with really high standards that only I fulfill. That’s not even a new realization, that’s been a conscious thought since high school. That’s what kept me stuck on an undeserving guy in college for a while – he had really high standards and I was the only one who fit them.

Generally this type of deeply rooted issue will cause someone to break out and turn wild for a while. That won’t ever happen with me. I have no desire to do that. On a much smaller scale, maybe I should let myself go a little though. I don’t even know what that means… I just know that it is probably true. You know what, it probably is most true when it comes to my dreams. Dance, art, this personal growth stuff, counseling, morals… those are my passions. Yet that’s not what I’m doing as a career. Too unstable. Too much uncertainty. I need to find a way to bring more of that stuff into my life. Honestly, this blog was one way to do that. I’m really hoping that seeing a live example of the growth process will help people. I’m hoping that they can identify with some point in my process, and they can see the very subtle changes and steps that lead to a complete breakthrough.

When you reminisce on old times, what pops into your mind? What issues are revealed to you that you can work on today?