Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I just watched an old teenage girl movie from the early 2000s, and this sadness came over me. I just realized how much of my life I wasted being miserable because I didn’t realize how much power I had. I had so many opportunities and platforms for re-inventing myself and/or creating such a more fulfilling life, and I didn’t even know that I could do that. So many opportunities are gone now. I thought this was just how I was. I thought my perception was the only truth. I thought I truly was how others judged me. I thought my personality and my characteristics were permanent. I thought I wasn’t worthy of happiness and confidence. It is really, really sad looking back now. If I had only known how the mind works, and how we manifest our limiting beliefs, I could have had such a different life. I could have been happy. I could have been influential. I could have been a better friend. I could have dedicated myself to my passions and dreams. I just didn’t know. I had no idea.
What movie you ask? Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. I’d never seen it before. The girl is a liar for most of it, but aside from that, she never let anything get her down. She was always open to opportunities and confident to find a way to make things work out, and even when they didn’t she found the silver lining. Aside from the lying, that is such an amazing way to live. That’s how I should have been! That’s how we all should be! She didn’t care what the popular girls thought. She didn’t care what anyone thought. She was in her own little world, expressing herself and chasing after her passions. She fully participated in creating the life she desired, and she never gave up.
At that age, I was hiding away because I thought I was worthless.
It’s so sad. It is so incredibly sad. Such a shame. I denied myself happiness. I denied myself joy. I denied myself adventure. I denied myself everything.
I know - that’s not how I should look at it. And I’m not, but it is definitely worth paying respects to a life virtually wasted at will. Now I know better. Now I can live an authentic life. Now I can tell myself that I deserve happiness, and I deserve a full and joyful life. Now I can do something about it. I don’t know what exactly, but I will figure it out. The sky is the limit.
I’ve officially given myself permissions to love life and to have life love me back.
Don’t waste another second of your life! YOU have control over your reality. YOU get to decide whether something is the end-of-the-world or a fun and exciting obstacle to overcome. YOU get to decide if you will search for the worst in everyone and everything, or if you will bring out the light in every situation. You don’t even realize how much control you have. Don’t waste another moment believing that things just are the way they are. That is a lie. It is so easy to feel that way, and to convince yourself of the illusion, but it is NOT TRUE. Don’t rob yourself of life.
Read The Daily Love, read this blog, read The Untethered Soul, read SOMETHING and educate yourself about why you feel so limited. Please! Every second you don’t know it is a tragedy. A complete tragedy. You don’t even know. You just don’t even know. One day, when you figured it out, you will look back and you will cry for your lost years. You will feel how tragic it is. Don’t waste another second. Don’t steal more joy away from yourself.
YOU deserve happiness. YOU are smart, beautiful/handsome, clever, creative and WORTHY. You are unique in your own beautiful ways, and you are robbing yourself and everyone around you of your amazing presence and gifts by not believing in yourself.
Whew, okay. Had to get that out. I’m still a little weepy.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I did it!
I am SO proud of myself. I was determined to keep the correct and positive mindset no matter what, and it totally worked!
In case you didn’t read my last post, I was invited to a big social event (invite-only) in the city by a co-worker. I don’t usually – scratch that, EVER – do things like that, but I felt like this random rare invite was a sign and a test from the Uni-verse.
I usually hate big parties. I’m not good at socializing. I feel like I’m put on the spot; I feel like I have nothing to talk about; I feel like no one wants me to awkwardly join them and interrupt their conversations. Interacting with a big group of people just isn’t my thing. Especially in a situation like this, where everyone there would be all glamorous and attractive, and here I am looking like crap.
At least that is the limiting belief that I have been manifesting all my life for whatever reason!
Now I know that I have complete control over how I perceive any situation. Before the party, I made sure to continuously remind myself to just spread love and kindness, and if that wasn’t working out, just find a way to entertain myself. Look for opportunities to have fun instead of looking for reasons to be miserable.
Meeting up with the partygoers was a little stressful for everyone, but once we were all loaded up in the taxi and on our way, I helped remind everyone to take a deep breath, know that it is all out of our hands now, we are on our way and we are going to have fun!
The decorations and the scenery were absolutely beautiful. Perfect options for entertaining myself when the spreading love and kindness wasn’t flowing. We met up with some other people, and I could tell that I was judging people very differently than I usually do. I was seeing the positive in people where normally I’d pinpoint the bad. I actually judged a couple people negatively, but then realized this was mostly out of my own fear. After realizing that, I tried to interact with them, which didn’t really work out, but I was happy I tried. Others I tried to be kind and helpful with and had some good little conversations and interactions with them.
Now on to the good stuff: I struck up conversations with random people! My favorite example is when I was looking out at the view, separated from my own group a little bit, and I heard the trio next to me talking about the view and I jumped in! They were so much fun, and so interesting! I hung out with them for a long while and then went on my way. Later I circled back to them and brought them over to this picture taking booth I found where we could all dress up in boas, funny glasses and hats and take pictures for free!
Besides them I conversed with 2 guys individually and then another 2 together.
And then I hit the dance floor! So awesome!
As usual, the day after I started trying to judge myself. I find I tend to do that. I try to find reasons to put myself down. But I won’t let myself this time. There were some things that were not so great about the night. My ankle had been bothering me and at one point when I was dancing my ankle gave out and I fell smack on my butt. How embarrassing! But I just got up like nothing happened and kept dancing. I have to choose to not wallow in the negative emotions from situations like that, and to not let it taint the whole experience. Remember the good times. It’s over now, anyway. It’s all about how you perceive it and what you take with you from now on. When I start looking back and trying to find things to be mad at myself for, I just tell myself that I did a great job and I was awesome that night. And I was! Incredible progress! Incredible confidence and determination to have a good time!
I noticed I learned so much from my extroverted friend. It’s almost like the more I understand him, the more I can apply the little tricks. I’d just realized the other week that one of the ways he makes friends so easily is by jumping into their conversations, and without even thinking about it, that’s what I did!
I’m so impressed with myself. I was right to view that event as an opportunity to grow and to apply the lessons I’ve learned. What a fantastic boost in confidence. I got hit on some, too ;) I need to figure out how to handle that a little better, but still a compliment. That night was such a great reminder that I am in complete control of my own happiness, and I can do anything I set my mind to. I absolutely will not let the little hiccups from the night influence my overall view of that night and my own self-worth. I am a rock star, and I definitely proved that last night!
How are you holding yourself back? What limiting beliefs are keeping you from letting out your inner rock star?
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I think I figured it out!
I was literally moping around and sleeping most of Saturday. I had this underlying feeling of stress and resistance and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t shake it.
After yet another nap, I sat down and really tried to listen to myself – again. I was feeling tense about all the things I needed to do this weekend, but that wasn’t a good explanation. I’ve dealt with that before. I was also feeling tense about a big social event I’d managed to get invited to in the city.
Then I started to figure it out. I was scared about this event. This isn’t just a little party with people I know. This is a big event where I had to get on a list, where I don’t know anyone, and sometimes famous people attend. This isn’t something I ever do, obviously. I don’t even go to parties anymore, because I’ve “grown up”. But I’d been invited by a fun woman I don’t know all that well, and I felt like this was the Uni-verse giving me a chance to step it up. This would be a huge test to all the lessons I’ve been learning.
But my ego was fighting back. I’ve gained weight, and I had no idea what I would wear. I don’t feel confident in my skin right now. I don’t know anyone there except for that one woman. I don’t like not having my own way to get home, because then I’ll feel trapped, and it’s so far away from home. What if I had no one to talk to? What if I was miserable? What if…
Yep, that’s where the stress was coming from.
Now that I knew what the problem was, I could address these concerns with love.
Life is what you make of it. I can turn this event into anything I want. It’s all about how I perceive it. If I’m worried about having a horrible time, I will manifest that into reality. Don’t! This is a fantastic opportunity! First of all, forget all the weight stuff. I am confident, and when that confidence shines through, I am beautiful. Just think about the conference the other day where my co-worker and I took some of the presenters out for drinks afterwards. I have NO problem having a fantastic time interacting with them. Looking back, that may have been a first step in preparation for this event… I was so impressed with myself for that. Of course afterwards I tried to judge myself and freak myself out about it, but luckily I saw what was happening and put a stop to it. I did a great job. I was very successful at being social and pulling presenters aside from a 1000+ person conference.
So just think of this next social event as another fun opportunity to practice what I’ve learned!
Confidence. Confidence. That will be key here. I can talk to random people. I can spread my love and kindness to others. I’m probably going to have to do something I absolutely never, ever do – randomly go up and introduce myself to people. It’s times like these where I am so hard on myself and don’t think I am good enough. Most of the time I think it is rude and awkward to just randomly go up to people. Why bother them? What makes me think I’m so special? I don’t even have anything to say! But this event – I’m going to push myself. Maybe not that specifically, but I’m going to push myself.
I am smart. I am kind and loving. All anyone ever wants is love and kindness. Knowing that, there is no way I can fail. And even if I do, it’s just another lesson. I will be okay. I will look at this as a fun experiment. I will use this to expose myself to different types of people and learn more ways people are unique and different. I will learn more perspectives on life.
I will only feel trapped and miserable if I let fear take me over.
This is all about my confidence. This is all about my judging myself. Don’t. I’m smart. I know how people work. I can figure out people’s motives. Just remember to be confident and project your voice –
My voice! Oh no, there will be loud music. No one will be able to hear….
That’s okay. You’ve got this. You’re a complete badass. You’ll be great. If things start to turn sour, just find a way to entertain yourself. Turn from spreading love to finding entertainment. Just never let yourself start judging. Never let yourself fall into that dark pit. That’s when your perspective turns bad. That’s when you’ll be miserable. But you have control over it. You have full control over your perspective.
This is going to be fun. I’m going to have a great time. It will be okay. I have no expectations, but I can turn this experience into whatever I want. And I want it to be fun.
Whew! I can feel the difference. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like this was the problem, and now I’ve addressed it. That’s so weird, that this was weighing on me so much and I couldn’t pinpoint the source until now. Incredible.
Well, wish me luck! Looks like I’ll have more to talk about tomorrow!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I’m having trouble relaxing this weekend. My ego is clinging to the stress, and I haven’t been able to free myself. I was able to somewhat relax and enjoy watching the birds outside eat from my birdfeeder. I guess the stress issues make sense, because I’m starting to see my health deteriorate again, as well. The last 2 months have been really stressful, busy and intense, so I’ve gained some weight, my face is starting to break out and my hair is falling out a little more freely. I’ve also had some sharp pains in my jaw, which is not a good sign…
I tried to ask myself what Lissa Rankin likes to ask her patients: “What does your body need to heal?” Unfortunately, I don’t really know the answer. Rest? That’s the only thing that comes to mind. And exercise, but that’s more logical than spiritual. I don’t know what I need; I just very obviously need something.
I’m also starting to surrender to that fact that I feel a need to impress people; to impress myself. I’m not sure where that leaves me. I get defensive and resistant even saying that (which means some part of it is true). This doesn’t mean what it sounds like on the surface. The loaded meaning of those words is what I am defensive about, because if you said that to any random person, the idea they’d get in their head is not the truth here.
But let’s think about it. Let’s start small. Let’s look at my priorities. My priorities start with what other people notice: Work. Work clothes. Trying to get somewhere on time (and failing – at least lately). Doing every activity and task that is asked of me. What gets pushed aside? Everything people don’t see. I’m struggling to keep my house in order. To keep it clean. To keep it organized. Forgetting to get the mail. That falls to the backburner when everything else turns into an emergency. And I hate it. It stresses me out to see everything a mess, but at the same time, it isn’t a priority. Granted that’s been legit lately, but still. It’s been the case on a smaller scale ever since I started working. If no one is going to see it, it isn’t a top priority.
That’s not the case with good deeds and manners, though. I’ll do those without any recognition. I can spread love without expecting it to be a big deal; without expecting anything in return. But maybe in that case I’m impressing myself? I don’t know how that works. At what point to you separate doing the right thing because it is right, and doing it to impress yourself and feel good about yourself? Or does it matter? Obviously doing the right thing would make you feel good, because you are connecting to the Uni-verse and connecting to Love. As long as you expect nothing in return, maybe that’s fine.
But then throw in the fact that I love to please authority. I love to be the good girl; the responsible girl; the smart girl; the dependable girl. I see myself as the responsible girl who always does the right thing, and if she does screw up, it was not intentional and I learn quickly from my mistakes and never repeat them. That’s how I see myself, and anyone who actually knows me sees me in the same way. I say the people who “actually know me” because I can’t speak for the people I only see every so often who have only seen me in specific contexts. Sometimes I get the feeling they have really weird ideas about me. And that’s fine. It’s curious sometimes, but it doesn’t bother me, unless of course I’m stressed out like crazy and something they say that is evidence to their misjudgment ticks me off.
See? “Misjudgment”. Which means I don’t care how they see me, because I know the truth. I have confidence in myself. But is that enlightened and spiritual? I’m declaring a certain thought to be right and a certain thought to be wrong. That goes against the idea of acceptance and everyone’s perception being correct in their own way. Well, I’m not really deciding it is wrong. When they say something that doesn’t line up with my truth, I think about the context in which they have seen me. I think about what they’ve seen me do and say, and I can usually see that it makes sense. I can put myself in their shoes and see where they are coming from, but I know that they don't have all the information. So their “misjudgment” is true based on the knowledge they have, but not on all the information. That’s where I used to get in trouble, though. That’s where I feel like I have to defend myself sometimes. I have to give them the information that proves their judgment to be false. And then they try to bend my information to match their judgment, and it ticks me off, because they bend it such that it isn’t the truth anymore. It’s like I’m trying to describe a fruit for them, and they declare it is an orange when I was trying to describe an apple.
But that puts me in a dangerous position. I’m too smart for my own good. If I wanted to, I could influence how they perceive me. I mean, I probably do, without meaning to. That’s the line where intelligence can become evil. When you use it to manipulate people. I had an ex-boyfriend like that. It drove me crazy, because I could see right through him and just wanted him to admit it. Take my advice and don’t ever expect people to admit it. It they’re smart enough to do all that in the first place, they are smart enough to not admit it when they’ve been figured out. If they are selfish enough to do it in the first place, why would they ever admit to it? Don’t be like me and try to get people to admit their faults. Things you say may click in their head, but they’ll never admit it so it’s a lost cause sometimes. I just wasn’t used to that, because everyone else I “help” will admit that I’m right (yep, you heard me), so it baffled me that this guy wouldn’t just admit it.
I have no desire to manipulate people, though. Actually, I learned a lesson long ago about that. My first serious relationship I realized I was too controlling, and figured out that’s not what I want. I don’t want someone I have to change or control, because then the relationship is completely fake. Then you don’t know who they are and what they would do normally. The vulnerability and connection is broken. That’s why I’m picky now, because I know what I want, so I know to choose someone who is already that way, because I’m not going to control them. They can do their own thing, and when I realize they’re not what I want, I leave. Of course anyone who hears this is like, “But nobody’s perfect!” and of course now I am learning acceptance, but that’s not the type of thing I’m talking about here. I’m talking, if the guy is going to blow me off instead of talking to me when we have problems, that’s not what I want. If the guy is going to check out every girl that walks by and disrespect women, that’s not what I want. That sort of thing. I don’t care if the guy plays video games or bites his nails or leaves the toilet seat up. Those aren’t deal breakers for me. I think most people talk about “what they want” and they have stupid superficial criteria like having money and being successful, as far as having “the right” career and whatnot. C’mon, my readers! You know me better than that by now!
Okay I’m just ranting now. There’s just a lot of thoughts and stress going through me right now. So much to do. I want to clean my house as much as humanly possible this weekend. I need to hand-wash a ton of work clothes and iron them. I need to bathe my cat and change her litter. I need to exercise.
Wait! I don’t NEED to do anything. I WANT to do those things. Those things will make me happy. I need, er, I WANT to remind myself of that. There is no To Do List this weekend. There are things I can do, should I choose to. But there is no To Do List or expectation of things I SHOULD do. That will probably help with the stress…