Thursday, August 22, 2013
I need to undo the whole pushing people away thing. And it isn’t actually “pushing people away”, it’s just the negative attitude, the judging and sarcastic comments, given to those I welcome into my company. I guess the thing to note here is that at least I’m welcoming people into my company now. I feel like I can talk to people now. I’m not nearly as awkward anymore because I’m out of my head, and out of what I thought was THEIR head.
I still have an issue with needing to be in the “right mood” to really have a decent social conversation, but it is NOWHERE near as bad. All this means now is that my head is in a negative place, so I only have negative things to talk about. Actually, that really easily pinpoints the problem.
I hate it when that happens. It annoys the crap out of me. And it’s only people I know as acquaintances that it happens with. People I know pretty well, I’m completely fine. I say stuff in passing, they get it, and we move on. People I don’t know at all, I’m fine. I don’t even bring stuff up. But the middle area – I guess I want them to know me better, so I want them to comprehend the struggles I go through and yet continue on anyway – to show my will power and my inner strength, that I’m floating through life without knowing anything about pain and sacrifice. My point is to show how much I overcome obstacles, but really I know I just sound like a complainer. I’m sure it gives the complete opposite effect. The problem there is obviously that I’m trying to influence their thoughts of me, and that’s precisely where my fear-based side is getting in the way. I’m trying to make a point. Deep down, I am trying to say something negative. I’m trying to say that something is a pain in the butt, or something is too far away, and look, here I am sacrificing my time and effort to do it anyway. Sounds like one or more people I know… doing things, looking for praise or recognition – demanding it, even.
You know what, along with being influenced by others who do it, that’s it – wanting praise. Not feeling like I grew up with any praise. That’s one of my problems. It doesn’t pop up everywhere, but it is definitely loud and clear in specific areas. That whole expectations thing – gotta drop that. As I told one of my ex-boyfriends once, “Do it or don’t do it, but don’t do it and complain about it.” Actually, in that case I think it was he WASN’T doing something and was complaining about it… but that’s beside the point. The point is I’m doing something I’ve lectured people on! It’s not like any of this is news to me, though. I’ve already made excellent progress. I just need to keep practicing and keep reminding myself to keep up these thought patterns. And that I don’t need anyone’s praise or recognition. ANYONE’S. I’m not one to demand a lot of recognition, but there’s always those important people in your life that you want it from, ya know? But no, not even them. Can’t expect them to express things in a way that fulfills you. They’re worried about their own lives.
The praise comes from within you. You don’t need external validation to celebrate your successes and self-sacrifice – all you need is YOU to feel proud of yourself and to move forward. Don’t expect people to be impressed. Their praise doesn’t do anything for you. Why do you need it? To feel good about yourself? No! Do that anyway. There is no middleman, you just THINK there is. The reward for your efforts is self-satisfaction and happiness.
And most importantly, if you get your mind out of that stressed out, negative place, you won’t be so negative in conversations….
Thursday, August 1, 2013
I’m getting a pretty bad vibe in life right now. I’m witnessing the ugly truth for a lot of things right now. I don’t like how manipulative, cut-throat and aggressive people can be sometimes. It’s childish. And yet, the world seems to work that way. Everyone has their own set of judgments, no matter how screwed up and wrong they are. Almost everyone is just trying to get by with what they know, living the way they learned to cope. Based on what people have gone through, they take some things more seriously than other things. They judge some things more harshly than other things. I just find it all so disrespectful and immoral. But I guess that’s just my own version of it…
And then there’s people being inconsiderate. So many examples of it. Just running around on auto-pilot not thinking of anyone else. Not thinking of conversations people just had with you. Not thinking of common courtesies like not letting a door slam in the face of the person right behind you. People flaking on commitments. So, so many examples.
It makes me angry. It makes me not even want to try. What’s the point? But luckily I’m getting to a place where it affects me a little less. I have my moments of emotion, and then I can step back and realize that it doesn’t really matter, and it shouldn’t keep me from continuing to try. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be involved with the inconsiderate people. Maybe I’m blessed to have the manners that I do. Maybe I’m here to keep people from getting too cut-throat. It is what it is, and it is not good, but I should just do what I can and not get too upset about it. It’s hard. But at least I can logically believe that now, even if I’m still working on it emotionally.
Is reality reeling its ugly head in your life right now? Can you relate to what I’m saying?