I need to undo the whole pushing people away thing. And
it isn’t actually “pushing people away”, it’s just the negative attitude, the
judging and sarcastic comments, given to those I welcome into my company. I guess
the thing to note here is that at least I’m welcoming people into my company
now. I feel like I can talk to people now. I’m not nearly as awkward anymore because
I’m out of my head, and out of what I thought was THEIR head.
I still have an issue with needing to be in the “right
mood” to really have a decent social conversation, but it is NOWHERE near as
bad. All this means now is that my head is in a negative place, so I only have
negative things to talk about. Actually, that really easily pinpoints the
problem.
I hate it when that happens. It annoys the crap out of
me. And it’s only people I know as acquaintances that it happens with. People I
know pretty well, I’m completely fine. I say stuff in passing, they get it, and
we move on. People I don’t know at all, I’m fine. I don’t even bring stuff up. But
the middle area – I guess I want them to know me better, so I want them to
comprehend the struggles I go through and yet continue on anyway – to show my
will power and my inner strength, that I’m floating through life without knowing
anything about pain and sacrifice. My point is to show how much I overcome
obstacles, but really I know I just sound like a complainer. I’m sure it gives
the complete opposite effect. The problem there is obviously that I’m trying to
influence their thoughts of me, and that’s precisely where my fear-based side
is getting in the way. I’m trying to make a point. Deep down, I am trying to
say something negative. I’m trying to say that something is a pain in the butt,
or something is too far away, and look, here I am sacrificing my time and
effort to do it anyway. Sounds like one or more people I know… doing things,
looking for praise or recognition – demanding it, even.
You know what, along with being influenced by others who
do it, that’s it – wanting praise. Not feeling like I grew up with any praise.
That’s one of my problems. It doesn’t pop up everywhere, but it is definitely
loud and clear in specific areas. That whole expectations thing – gotta drop
that. As I told one of my ex-boyfriends once, “Do it or don’t do it, but don’t
do it and complain about it.” Actually, in that case I think it was he WASN’T
doing something and was complaining about it… but that’s beside the point. The
point is I’m doing something I’ve lectured people on! It’s not like any of this
is news to me, though. I’ve already made excellent progress. I just need to
keep practicing and keep reminding myself to keep up these thought patterns.
And that I don’t need anyone’s praise or recognition. ANYONE’S. I’m not one to
demand a lot of recognition, but there’s always those important people in your
life that you want it from, ya know? But no, not even them. Can’t expect them
to express things in a way that fulfills you. They’re worried about their own
lives.
The praise comes from within you. You don’t need external
validation to celebrate your successes and self-sacrifice – all you need is YOU
to feel proud of yourself and to move forward. Don’t expect people to be
impressed. Their praise doesn’t do anything for you. Why do you need it? To
feel good about yourself? No! Do that anyway. There is no middleman, you just
THINK there is. The reward for your efforts is self-satisfaction and happiness.
And most importantly, if you get your mind out of that
stressed out, negative place, you won’t be so negative in conversations….
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