Making Peace with an Old Relationship

As my journey has continued on, I’ve started to realize that I often take things too personally. I decide that someone has wronged me, disrespected me and wounded my pride, and I can’t figure out why – they clearly must be an evil person, or don’t think I deserve respect. I’m a very prideful person, so this generally turns into me attacking back to defend my pride and integrity. As you can imagine, the other person doesn’t enjoy being attacked, and so the cycle continues.

There are a few examples in particular where I’ve finally started to see that it really was never about me. They weren’t doing anything “to” me. Sure, there were some legitimate mistakes they made, but most of them were merely differences in perception and not knowing all the facts, and yet I decided it was an attack on me and reacted accordingly.

Those situations really messed me up to the point where I became extremely guarded and unwilling to trust (and therefore truly “love”), because I felt people had viciously neglected me in the past, and I wasn’t about to let people make me feel so disrespected and rejected ever again. It is so therapeutic and freeing to start to realize that none of that actually HAPPENED. I don’t have to be so fearful of people treating me so poorly, because that wasn’t a correct description of what happened.

Let me give you an example. I had an old boyfriend that I felt treated me horribly, despite the fact that I KNEW he thought a lot of me. He slept through ALL the plans we made – stood me up. He was never there for me when I needed him, emotionally. In fact, some of the time he made a point to NOT be there for me. Other times he just disappeared and wouldn’t respond to me. That’s how I perceived the relationship.

Now, as a reader, please don’t project your own stories onto this one – I promise you, it does not fit. Don’t make any assumptions, because I’m not going to explain the entire relationship. Just hear me out on what I’ve realized.

At this point in my journey I’ve been able to try to look back and see things from his side. I’ve also been able to catch up with him a little. Turns out, his work/school schedule was crazy back then, and he just was the type of person to never complain about it. But his sleeping schedule was all screwed up, so yeah, he slept through all our plans. Not because I didn’t matter, not to disrespect me, and not because he forgot – but because he was working so hard and was exhausted. He never communicated that to me at the time, so I took it personally, especially when added to everything else.

I’m the type of person that likes to appear strong, so I try not to cry in front of people. I do sometimes, but as a prideful person, instead of crying and expressing that I am in pain, I yell. I get angry. I tell them exactly why they are a horrible person. I explain it very eloquently and logically. When you express your feelings in anger, people only respond to it as an attack – they usually don’t see that behind that anger is pain and heartache. I was trying to express that I wasn’t so easily broken, and that I can stand up for myself, but I really wasn’t getting the point across to this guy that he was hurting me by not being there for me, sleeping through our plans, etc.

Another thing is that this guy had trust issues, too. So I think a lot of our relationship was a big power play. So the times when I got up the courage to actually tell him that I needed him because I was upset, he thought it was me trying to control him. I was genuinely sad and wanted him to comfort me, and as a prideful person, that was hard as crap for me to do – and then he rejects me and blows me off. Every time. That really screws with a girl’s head. That’s seriously how you make a girl turn psycho. If any guys are reading this, by all means, DON’T DO THAT. That’s the absolute worst thing you could ever do – have your girlfriend come to you upset and just turn her away. So I take it personally, and I get angry. The “you don’t mess with me” attitude comes out. But here’s the thing: I can understand his side now. It wasn’t right, but it makes sense, at least. He thought I was trying to control him. He thought it was a power play. And I had issues expressing myself in those situations, anyway. It’s a really sad situation, and we obviously weren’t very compatible in those areas, but he wasn’t just doing it to be an evil human being. He was trying to protect himself and his own pride. He apparently thought I was being evil and manipulative, which means he probably has some stuff that’s happened to him that made him feel that way about girls. We were both very prideful, stubborn people with trust issues. And we just happened to step all over each other’s wounds.

The next thing I realized is that he is the type of person that doesn’t respond to a message unless a question has been asked. You don’t know how many times I sent him something expecting a response, his opinion, or even just acknowledgement… and I figured he was ignoring me. Avoiding me. All the time. Every time. And now, years later, I finally get it – he is the type of person that doesn’t see a need or a reason to respond unless a direct question has been asked. He doesn’t chit chat like that via messages. That’s not how I or others I know operate, but it makes sense. Again, I took things too personally. He wasn’t purposefully trying to ignore me and disrespect me, as I’d assumed for years… it was just a personality trait.

You don’t even know how HEALING it is to start to answer all these questions that made me so untrusting and paranoid. You don’t even know how much that relationship hurt me. I created so many coping mechanisms to keep my pride and self-respect – all of them pushing people further away from me. I made it so no one could hurt me like that. So to be able to understand where all that came from, and to realize that the reasons for it really never even happened – it’s incredible. I can start working to repair the damage. I can start to believe that people aren’t always so sick, selfish and cruel. I know what part I played in the situation, and I know the reasons behind his behavior.

What’s funny is that this relationship drove me nuts because I never understood WHY he was treating me so badly, especially when I KNEW deep down how he felt about me. I kept confronting him about it, and I felt like he kept avoiding the topic. But he probably just had NO idea what I was talking about, because I thought he was doing things on purpose, and he wasn’t. So truly, there was nothing to admit to. So I guess, ironically enough, I couldn’t get my answers because I wasn’t in a place, emotionally/spiritually/mentally, where I was willing to understand it.

And there’s an important point. You won’t always get the answers. But there is one. Because people make sense. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t make sense. There is a reason behind what they do. Whatever has happened to them in their lives has made them the way they are. It’s NOT an excuse – but it IS a reason. So just don’t take things personally. It doesn’t necessarily have ANYTHING to do with YOU, and even if it does, it probably STILL has nothing to do with you.

Can you relate? Do you have any relationships where you felt like someone wronged you and disrespected you? Can you see that perhaps there is a reason they behaved the way they did? Did any of your own perceptions and reactions influence the situation further? Can you forgive them, not only for them, but for YOU? Can you give yourself that peace and heal those wounds by knowing that whatever they did, they had a reason, and that you don’t have to go around with your guard way up, keeping everyone at a distance, unable to get close to anyone? Can you free yourself from those wounds?