Monday, September 30, 2013

Next Step into the Arts and Beyond



I have a new sense of excitement and hope these days. I’m once again acknowledging that I am an artistic and creative person, and I’m finally giving myself full permission to pursue all aspects of that. I feel like although I loved dance, art and music, I grew up thinking those were silly hobbies, not anything someone could make a living at. I went into engineering instead, since that’s what “smart, mature and responsible people do”. While there are some real truths behind the financial aspects of making a living in those fields, I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking those things were a waste of time or not a priority. Only one in a million make it in those areas, because they are amazingly good, and the odds were way against me. That’s what society and caring parents teach kids, right? Forget all that silly stuff and go for something practical so you can afford a house, food, etc.

Okay, well I’ve done all that. Now it’s time to be happy – to make happiness a priority. To fulfill my purpose.

Sometimes I catch myself starting to feel regret, thinking I should have followed my dreams and not gone down the road I did. But for starters, I didn’t even know WHAT I wanted as far as dreams - I just knew I wanted it to be more artistic and creative. And second… everything happens in preparation for your purpose. I wouldn’t be where I am today without everything I went through. I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve enjoyed the progression of my career. I’ll bet you anything that everything I’ve done and learned will play a significant role when I’m finally living my purpose. It had to be the way it was – now it’s time to be the way it needs to be NOW.

Now I have to undo all the damage and search really hard within myself to start brushing away all the insecurities and judgments I have. My inability to express myself is PAINFULLY obvious to me now. I’ve sucked up all my emotions because I feel like no one cares or I’m not allowed to feel happiness or even sadness, so I’m working to fix that. That actually sounds funny looking at it… not allowed to be happy OR sad? Wow, quite the dilemma.

My social skills are much better than they were, but still leave much to be desired, because I still don’t know how best to react to things. Be supportive because I care even though I disagree, or timidly disagree because I do but I don’t want to be mean, or just flat out disagree and potentially start an argu… I mean, “discussion”? I eventually would like to feel comfortable expressing my opinion without feeling as though I’m putting someone down. Maybe part of me IS putting them down, which is why I feel that way. So I’m working on that one, too. And what about when someone tells a joke that is “okay” but not hilarious? I need to be comfortable laughing the appropriate amount for ME and not just trying to be polite… I see all of this now. I mean, I always saw it, but it didn’t matter. I strongly voice my opinions on topics I care about, and everything else I just stay polite on, because it doesn’t matter to me. But maybe I should feel more comfortable expressing my true reactions, regardless of how much it matters or doesn’t matter.

As I work on all of that, I’ve decided to get more involved in the arts again. I’m SO excited just thinking about it! Of course I have dance, but I’m also going to start taking vocal lessons, and maybe even some acting classes! I want to try to get back into poetry, music and drawing, as well. These are all just thoughts at the moment, because I have a lot of events coming up right now. I might wait until after the holidays, but that will be perfect – I can shop around for great places to pick these things back up.

I’m opening my life up to new possibilities! Who knows what will happen!!!! I haven’t felt that way in…. geez, I don’t even know when. I never had such HOPE and EXCITEMENT before! I really did feel like I was stuck. Like I did everything I was told and I had the job and then I guess I just… do it until I die. Switching jobs when necessary, of course. But I have nothing to live FOR or to spend the money ON or be HAPPY about… and then of course there is the whole MY PURPOSE being to HELP people thing… So I’m SUPER EXCITED to see how this all plays out! It’s like a movie with twists and turns, where you don’t know what’s going to happen next… then at the end you’re like, ohhhhh I see how that happened! You watch it again and notice all the hints along the way, and you see how it all fits together… that’s going to be my life. And that’s going to be YOUR life. You just have to, literally, dare to dream. And truly, it is all about believing in yourself and giving yourself permission to be who you are, and PERMISSION TO DREAM. And depending on how your life has gone, that may be a tough thing to do – I know it has been for me, which is odd, because I thought I was, and it’s all been very obvious the whole time – it’s really just a matter of changing your perspective. Sometimes you need a little push from something… and for me it was definitely The Untethered Soul and The Daily Love, and everything that followed those discoveries, accompanied by my open heart and mind to a new way of thinking, since where I was at CLEARLY was NOT working for me.

Love yourself. Comfort and care for YOURSELF as you’d do for a child. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You DO deserve it!

For the first time ever I’m excited about my future, and I believe in myself. Like Mastin said in a recent Daily Love post, we just have to focus on one step at a time.

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