So I’ve been feeling pretty empty, and I’ve been trying
to figure out why. I know that I’m doing great on my spiritual journey, and yet
I know I still feel unfulfilled and lifeless. I’m not as miserable as I have
been over the last few years, but something still isn’t right. I’ve made little
motivational posters for myself that show pictures of me from high school and
college versus pictures of me since I’ve been in the working world, trying to
help me get back to the person I once was, physically, mentally and emotionally
(except plus all this wonderful enlightenment I’ve gained). A passer-by would
notice that I’ve gained weight in the newer pictures, but that’s not all that I
see. When I look at these pictures, I see how I was feeling at that time in my
life, as well. A passer-by would notice that in the newer pictures, I am
smiling, and in the old ones, I’m not. They might think I am happier now than I
was then. Nope. I am more fulfilled in those pictures… more myself… more
“real”. I reconnect with my inner essence from that time, and I know I am at
least living my truth back then, and if I could add that to my current
enlightenment, I would be great! Instead, I currently have the enlightenment
but I am missing “my truth” that I had back then.
So I started trying to write out what I see when I look
at these pictures.
When I look at the old pictures, I see: Sadness but depth
of emotion. Self-expression. Creativity. Identity. True joy, fun, love and
sorrow (based on which picture and experience). Authenticity. I hadn’t been
wounded enough yet to push people away… so I still had a little vulnerability
and ability to care and love. Silliness. Longing and yearning; Dreams. Hope.
In the recent pictures, I see: Defeat. Fake/surface
happiness and smiles. Loneliness, despite being around people. No emotional
connections with people. Dragging myself through each experience, trying to
make the most of it and trying so hard to find joy and appreciation, but not
really finding it. Disconnected. Not fully expressing myself. No creativity. No
longing or yearning; no dreams. No hope. Just existing. No depth of life. No
inner spark of light.
That’s what I see when I look at those pictures. And
guess what, those emotions are probably reflected in my health. I know that. I
learned that the hard way, that stress and misery wreak havoc on your body…
It helps to write out what I see. I felt it all, but you
have to put words to it sometimes so you can see it, accept it, and know what
you have to do next to deal with it. I know I’m already taking steps towards
changing that reality. That is encouraging. I know I’m already starting to see
my life start to turn around in certain ways. I know I now have the tools to
deal with things I didn’t before – for example, my social skills. I still need
to bridge the gap between “social” and “personal” conversations, because I get
into one mode or the other, and I can’t go back and forth very well. But hey, I
didn’t know how to be social at ALL really in the past – I had a FEAR of it,
and that fear is no longer present. That is HUGE, and I need to celebrate that
success. So now I’m completely game for meeting new people and chatting. I’m
reconnecting with a couple old friends, and I’m working through my issues (it
stresses me out!) with planning social events. I’m well on my way.
I think what my heart and soul are telling me now is that
it is time to figure out why and how I’m not being authentic. It’s time to
reconnect with myself again. Reconnect with the creativity and individuality
that I loved about myself. Dance and things have helped, but those are only a
small portion of my time. I know that doing nothing but work for years doesn’t
help, and trying to be [too] professional has leaked into my off-duty identity
and dampened my creativity and individuality. So I’ll be thinking about that
and trying to access that place in my heart where the real me lives. I’ll try to
let it see the light of day. I’ll ask it what it needs to heal and show itself
again.
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