Jesus and I are Taking a Break

As you may know, I’ve been reading the Bible and getting really into it. Jesus and his teachings are essentially what I’ve lived by my whole life without necessarily intending to. However, Jesus and I are taking a break. We’ve decided we need some space. I liked it so much that a part of me started thinking, “What if…” and that’s when the trouble began.

The problem with believing in God, at least for someone like me, is that there is too much baggage that comes along with it. I grew up trying to please authority and do what was right, so I have this fantasy and desire to be unique and special in the eyes of authority. So pondering the idea of God brings up all these problematic feelings of wanting to be special and unique in the eyes of God, because I've lived correctly, so I'd feel entitled to some sort of special treatment... and all of that crap completely taints the whole idea of being a good person and living a life of Love to begin with. It muddies up the soul with more problems, which can turn to resentment. It’s the end-all-be-all of my exact problem in life – “There is a right way to live and be, and I’m doing it. I’m better, and I deserve special treatment. I earned it. I busted my butt to get it, so why won’t God declare me as special?” It’s just not helpful. It pushes me further away from my purpose in life; my spiritualness; my inner guide; the Love and Truth within me. Believing in God promotes separation and a yearning to be aware of how God is looking upon me as compared to others. That just doesn’t help anything. That is counter-productive for me. And I kind of pondered about it recently, and it stirred up all that crap and pushed me a few steps back, in my opinion. It’s not even that I believe, it’s the desire to have it be true. I WISH there was a God, because then he or she could see how awesome I am and how well I live and how fairly I think and act. It would be a witness to my struggles and behaviors. It would be the recognition I strive for. It would give me the audience I crave. The one who truly understands me. Forget the whole scientific and realistic issues with believing in God for a second - believing in God would fulfill a selfish need in me that is counter-productive to my actually being the person I want to be. It tears me away from BECOMING Love and instead puts me in the position of PLEASING Love. Instead of becoming one with God, I would be trying to determine if I was doing everything right for him or her. You know what I mean? I don’t want that mindset inside of me. I don’t like it. Believing in God separates me from me. It separates me from my soul. It keeps me in the selfish flesh with selfish desires. Believing in God would be the death of me. I can’t become Love and become all that I could be if I believe in God. I have to be my own God. My intuition, my conscience, my knowledge of right and wrong and my calling are all the aspects of my God, and those are me. My own soul is my God. And to know that my soul calls out to spread Love shows me the truth about life. God is not involved or welcome in that. God is like a middleman skimming money off the top of the transaction, tainting the purity of the interaction. I don’t need God to stand between me and my righteous soul. I can do that myself, for myself. I’m not trying to please anyone. I know there is no audience and no witness, and I do it anyway, because it is RIGHT. I don’t need a REASON to be a good person, and I don’t need someone to tell me how or why. It’s already done; it’s already what I believe. Since I’m already there, God really has no part in this. Looking outside myself for a God to make me feel small and useless is less than unhelpful. I look within myself to feel strong and powerful enough to change the world for the better. Isn’t that more important? There is no point in God except to herd sinners, hence Jesus. And really it is just a scare-tactic to get people to listen and straighten up. Everyone already knows how they should act, they are just too scared and cowardly to act on it. Telling people that someone can see into their soul scares it out of them. I don’t need that. God has no place in my life, though Jesus and his teachings are very welcome. I’ll join forces with God to make the world a better place if he or she exists, but that makes God more of a partner-in-crime than some all-powerful being. Here are my feelings about God. If he or she exists, God knows I’m already all set to go, especially lately. No need to intervene. I’m on the right track. His or her efforts can be used elsewhere. He or she can rest easy knowing that I will continue down this path to help people and spread love. If there is no God, then…. No effect on me.

Tell me, why is it so important that we believe in him? If we live our lives by the word of God, why would we need to necessarily believe in him? Is God seriously that human and jealous? I wouldn’t want to believe in that sort of a God. I’d prefer to believe in a God that simply wanted everyone to live correctly and treat everyone with love and kindness. Worshiping God would then be silly and a waste of time, and a cause for judgment, separation and hate, which would be counter-productive to the teachings themselves.

So I said all of this to my friend, and I’ll address some of the things he brought up. Yes, I understand what I’ve just said is not a REASON for God to not exist. Yes, I understand it points to some issues within me that I should think about. That is all exactly why I bring it up. This is exactly why I contemplate things and stretch my boundaries – so I can unveil parts of myself and figure myself out. This is yet another big step.

What I’m pointing out here is that I’m making such good progress that even considering the existence of God is screwing me all up inside. That’s not something I need to be thinking about right now. It doesn’t help me. If I want to contemplate God, I can do it after I figure myself out. Just for the record, I’m not going to believe in God. I’m not. Not in the ones specified by religions. Some really abstract definition where God is not any sort of being or presence but instead just Love, maybe. But even if I did believe in God, it would not be a God that “wants” anything, or “has mercy”, or anything else that implies he or she can possess any human or animal characteristics. If God is just a feeling of Love inside you, then maybe I could go along with that. God could be a state of being, not some external presence that you pray to or worship or anything. God cannot talk to you or wish anything of you. But again, that’s beyond where I’m at right now.

So like I said, Jesus and I are taking a break. He was bringing along some extra friends to our play-dates that I’m a little unsure about, so I’m calling them off until I feel a little more comfortable. No reason to go out and play if I’m going to feel on edge.