Accept Yourself to Accept Others

Here are some changes in myself that I’ve noticed lately.

I’m now able to articulate to people better because I’m able to have empathy for and understand their side. I’m no longer thinking that my perspective is fact. I’m no longer arguing and defending myself against others. Instead of getting upset and defending my position I’m able to hear where they are coming from and understand their perspective so I can communicate the idea such that it will get through to someone with that perspective. Again, and this is very important: I don’t feel the need to defend myself. As you may have noticed through these blogs, that concept is a big deal with me. I get especially worked up when I have this “knowing” that I can’t seem to put into words in the exact right way that I want that will make an impression upon the other person. Those are even more dangerous as far as my feeling the need to defend myself. Yet I’m getting so much better about that. Not perfect obviously, but drastically better. Just today there was a topic that I felt extremely opinionated about where I had a drastically different view than the others I was talking to. At first I was so overwhelmed with all the concepts and thoughts I wanted to communicate, but it wasn’t anger. It wasn’t defense. It was a little frustration, but not an angry one. I never had that tight feeling in my chest and I didn’t get upset, though I thought I was about to. But I didn’t! I figured out a way to communicate a few of the things inside my head and heart, and the rest I just smiled and just listened to the other perspectives. It wasn’t a battle. I wasn’t being attacked. I did not perceive it as an attack. That is a huge, huge deal.

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed. When some people think, and their minds run wild, they think about how to manipulate and control things. They are planning their next moves. They are planning got to get what they want. They are plotting control and manipulation for selfish purposes. Now, I think everyone does this to some degree, but I believe there are some people where that is the main thing that is going on when their minds are “running wild”, be it daydreaming or not being able to sleep.

Then there are people like me, where when our minds run wild, it is mainly analyzing and trying to find the meaning behind things. What does this mean? How does this concept apply in a broader sense? How will this affect things in the future? How does this broaden my understanding of a situation?

See the difference?

I’m having such a fun time exploring this with people I know.

Going back to the articulation thing, I uncovered something else. Or at least I think I did. I was so confused for a while, because when I was younger I was fantastic at articulating thoughts and ideas, and then there was a time period there where I was horrible at it and really rather awkward. And now I think I understand why. The lack of desire to see anyone else’s perspective. You can’t communicate with someone when you aren’t willing to consider how best to present the idea to them. I was stuck, because I knew you had to present things in just the right way, but I felt so isolated and so defensive that I had absolutely no desire to put myself in their shoes enough to determine how best to present my information. So it just got jammed. I was thinking in a “get” mentality instead of a “give”, but while understanding the importance of the “give” such that I was paralyzed. That might not be correct, but it makes a whole lot of sense to me.

I feel like now, having empathy and a desire to understand other people’s perspectives, I am much more capable of conversing with someone. I haven’t really practiced this outside the people I already know well, but I plan to at some point soon.

Another concept that is so cliché but so true is that in order to accept others, you must accept yourself. Not only does that sound counter-intuitive, but it also sounds a bit ridiculous when you first think about it. The whole point was that I felt like I was better than everyone. I do accept myself! I just don’t accept everyone else! (…in the ways that are important to me, i.e., spotless character and morals) Well, on the surface, sure, but there are very subtle issues that have very loud consequences – including the ability to accept others for their lives and their mistakes. If you’ve been following these blogs, you see exactly how. So as you learn to accept yourself, conquer your fears and uncover the reasons behind what you believe to be reality, you start to see how those influences affect how you view everyone else. And then you can plant the seed in your mind that you don’t have to view them that way… that isn’t “reality”… it is just your perspective based on your own pains and lessons, which are so different from theirs that you don’t understand each other.

I always believed that, sure, maybe XYZ happened to make someone be a certain way, but EVENTUALLY you grow up and deal with it, or DEEP DOWN you KNOW what you are doing is wrong. That’s how I took that knowledge and invalidated it. I did that for a long, long time. Really? And how exactly would they know? How exactly would they figure it out? I’m the type of person that analyzes things (oooh, I should look into why THAT is), but not everyone does that. As always, not everyone has had the lessons that I have. Even just that. The ego is a sneaky thing, and if you don’t have the luck of becoming someone that digs deep into the meanings of things, it will take a whole lot more to come to those realizations. Something will have to shout it in your face.

Don’t blame people for the lessons they have not yet been presented with.

Side note: Sorry I haven’t been posting every day. Things have been extremely busy lately, to the point of sleep being a privilege. I promise these are rare occurrences that happen only under extreme circumstances.