Disconnected

I’ve been feeling really off lately. I haven’t had enough time for all the reflection and meditation I’ve wanted to do (any of it, actually). I’ve stood witness to my ego freaking out about things, but I still feel horrible. I can be in a conversation, or have an interaction, and feel all the anger and frustration, and tell myself that this is not me and I can choose to feel differently and I just need to handle this with love, and yet… I mean, all I can do is just be silent. All the thoughts, feelings, arguments build up within me, and I try to mold some of them into conversational sentences instead of attacks, but… I stumble with my words, and then I end up just shutting my mouth. There is no loving way to deal with these things. There’s too much ego. I don’t know how to get around it.

I was thinking about it, and I really do see everyone as “out to get me”, which may or may not be true. Certain people just open their mouths and I’m offended and lash out for what feels like they are telling me they know better than I do, or like I need help or assistance, which it is so clearly the other way around. I feel like I have to defend myself against everyone. I feel like everyone has this assumption that I am weak or helpless and it ticks me off to no end. I certainly am not any of that. At all. I’m the opposite of that. No one gets me, and I just have to explain and explain and explain until I give up because they just won’t get it. Ever. And the assumptions they make instead are way, way off.

Is that a bit of playing the victim? Why can’t I just be confident and laugh off any of this stuff? Why do I have to become defensive? Why do I have to feel like I have to defend myself against everyone? I’ve even tried just avoiding the topics with some people, but sometimes it isn’t up to me. Sometimes I find myself smack in the center of the exact conversations I’m been trying to avoid because they upset me with certain people. I’m stuck in some sort of cycle.

I need to practice some hardcore self-acceptance. I need to really truly believe that I am whole, valid and correct, such that I don’t feel the need to be upset when others misunderstand or disagree. Isn’t that what it is? I’m defending the validity of my thoughts? Actions? Life? I already know I’m right. I already know I’m valid. So why the defensive plays, then? Why does it bother me so much?

The same issues I’ve mentioned before? How I’ve tried to be such a good person and no one seems to notice? How it felt like my parents assumed the worst in me as a child, so I’m defending myself now as much as I did then? What is it?? Don’t I know by now that I am a perfect soul? That I am worthy of love and happiness? That everyone just views me through their own pains and fears? That they judge me how they judge themselves? That I view others in the same way? I’m aware of all this, so why can’t I break out yet? Why is it so difficult all of a sudden?

I must be facing some new fears. I must be getting somewhere, and that’s why it seems hard all of a sudden. Life is testing me. It’s pushing me to my full potential. It doesn’t feel great, but that’s what’s supposed to happen. This is still progress. I feel like I’ve gone backwards, but I haven’t. I am just pushing myself. Life is pushing me. I’m okay. This is all okay.

I need to take the time to be still and meditate every single day. I need that. No more excuses. I need to re-center myself when things throw me off. I need to remember my heart and my soul. I need to remember Love. When I connect with that inner love, I feel strong and capable of handling anything. I can’t let the ego get in the way.