Getting What You Want to Learn What You Want

Trust is a funny word. People throw that word around without seeming to know that they need to be way more specific. Trust to do what? You can’t trust someone to be a mind-reader and do exactly what you’d want them to do. You can only trust someone to be themselves and act based on their own views, perspectives and priorities – that’s not to say you know what those are. That’s why you have to know as much about someone as possible before you can “trust” them. You have to know what they would do before you can “trust” them. When you say you trust someone, you are really saying, “I know what they would do in this situation, and I approve of it.” That is why trust is “earned”, not so much because they have to “prove it”, but because you have to learn exactly how they handle themselves in various situations.

Which leads into another important topic. You want someone (I’m speaking romantically, but even as a friend) who can handle themselves in sketchy situations. For the longest time, I decided I wanted someone who never put themselves in sketchy situations. Which, I mean, I still do. Don’t be stupid and do that. Be aware and think a couple steps ahead. Don’t be naïve. However, people I’ve disagreed with in the past bring up a good point. You need to make sure that, when presented with a sketchy situation, that person can handle themselves appropriately.

So what does this mean for me? As always, I need to give a tiny bit of backstory. I feel like this is going to come off wrong anyway, but whatever, I’ll try.

I don’t care what someone looks like. At all. I mean, I want them to take care of themselves, but I don’t care to have a ridiculously in-shape person or someone with a perfect face (define “perfect”, anyway). I can notice when someone would be considered conventionally attractive, but they are not attractive to me. In fact, most of the time they are incredibly unattractive to me, if they leave any impression whatsoever. All my “attraction” is based on the character, morals and values in a person. Their soul. And from witnessing the world, I’ve found that most “attractive” guys are very aware of their “attractiveness”, and they use it to their advantage. Since that is how the world sees them, that is how they see others. They only want girls for their looks. For sex. They are shallow and egotistical. They are selfish and hedonistic. All the things I hate, they embody. Now, I KNOW not all “attractive” guys are like that, and I certainly KNOW that other guys can be like that, too. I most certainly do know all of that. But I feel like the odds are generally against such a guy, except in rare circumstances, and generally that occurs when they don’t KNOW they are conventionally attractive, possibly due to childhood insecurity issues. Okay, I’m losing my point here… let me get back to it.

What all this means is that maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on “conventionally attractive” guys. Maybe they actually can have a leg up on other guys in some ways. Maybe a guy has to get what he wants before he can realize that’s not what he wants. I was the exact same way – I determine what qualities I want in a guy, and I’d get a boyfriend who had them, and then I’d see all these other traits that showed that wasn’t what I wanted. So with each boyfriend, I refined what I wanted, and oddly enough the next boyfriend would have basically exactly that, but with a whole new set of downsides. I had a boyfriend that was so sweet and loving but I felt he couldn’t see people’s motives and intentions, and kept putting himself in bad situations. So I decided I wanted a guy who could see all of that. Well, the next guy definitely could see all of that, but he used that intelligence for his own selfish and manipulative purposes. Yet another guy had some degree of the good traits from each of the previous ones, but had his own set of bad traits that I had to work through. And so on, and so on. Each time, I got exactly what I wanted, and then was shown why that isn’t everything. (Don’t forget that I may have “gotten” it because that was exactly what I was LOOKING for, and therefore could only SEE those traits – plus whatever point I was at in my life, I attracted someone who matched up.)

So maybe it’s okay if a guy was a bit of a shallow slut when he was really young, because he hadn’t figured anything out yet. He had to have relationships based on fulfilling what his dumb, hormonal self wanted before he could realize that wasn’t what he wanted and it was not fulfilling. Now, this is not a free pass. I fully expect a guy to have quickly figured it out. A guy who spent years and years and years being a slut and then finally figured it out is not what I am looking for. It doesn’t take that long to realize that isn’t what you want. That WAS what you wanted, because you kept doing it over and over. I’m merely saying that I might now not expect someone to have ALWAYS been a perfect respectable guy who knew exactly what he wanted. That isn’t fair, because even I wasn’t like that, just in a different way. There were traits I thought I wanted and realized were not everything, they just weren’t as vulgar. Rather, they weren’t vulgar at all…

Let me make this clear now. LOGICALLY I have thought this. I have by no means emotionally gotten there… Definitely not. This is something I have to think about and absorb, integrating it into all my other thoughts and emotions, and fine-tuning it such that I can defend it against my ego.

Nevertheless, this is a HUGE step for me as far as acceptance. Huge. Ridiculously huge breakthrough. I guess now I’ll see what sort of a fight my ego puts up.

Hey, would you look at that! I basically “took what resonated” with those others posts about people “really living” by screwing up, and I “left the rest”. I was able to take the message, apply it where I needed it (without even thinking about it), and didn’t get too caught up in the defensive ego aspect of it. I used it for Love. That’s pretty cool!