Trying to Sympathize with Men

During my search for empathy for the other gender, I’ve started trying to put myself in their shoes. I’ve tried to picture what it would be like to grow up with the pressures they undergo; with the same hormones pulsing through my body. I’ve tried to take an honest look at their lives before judging them for all the ways I see their perspectives as wrong.

Here’s the progress I’ve made.

First of all, this understanding is a work in progress and may not even be correct. This may even be sexist, I have no idea. For me, it is just one single step in the whole process. Whether it is good or bad; correct or wrong is almost irrelevant because it is just what I need in order to get one step closer to the empathy and acceptance that I am striving towards. I truly believe that where I end up will be the fair and judgeless place in my heart that I am seeking – this is just one step closer to it.

Having said that, I will continue with my opinion/observation.

Guys are raised with different pressures than us girls. Most feel the pressure to be strong and skillful in a physical way. They are raised to value the quality of dominating and competing with other men. No one expects them to be emotional. In fact, it is frowned upon if they are emotional. They may either succumb to this societal expectation, or rebel against it. Either way, they most likely have some sort of issue with expressing themselves – even admitting things to themselves. Emotions are not things that are relevant in the practical, physical world they are required to dominate. Any emotional issues they have are converted to habits immediately, without any lingering thoughts or emotions. For example, if someone speaks over them in a conversation, instead of having thoughts about their feelings being hurt, they immediately just start talking louder. The emotion that they had felt small or disrespected quickly passes and never returns, except for the impression it has made on their behavior. Now they will always talk louder in that situation, or even just in general. A girl might always feel the same feelings if that situation arose again, and may still speak up, but it will be fueled by those emotions.

Keep in mind this is one perspective. I do not think that ALL guys have no emotions or that ALL girls do in these scenarios it is just a lot easier to get my point across than to try to tackle every scenario and every type of human being ever… I’m not making sweeping generalizations - I’m just trying to get an idea across based on the pressures of our society and the influence of our hormones and genetics.

So guys are chugging along in their life, working to master all these skills. There of course is the age-old tradition of the man providing for a family, be it necessary or not in this day and age, so that is of course in his mind, as well. We know that a guy’s hormones are screaming at him to reproduce; to get his DNA out there. This is where the tricky stuff comes in. Maybe the “drugs” (hormones) make it so he can’t see women as anything but a means to an end. They think they are for sex, or they are for having and raising kids. This is the impression I’ve gotten from a lot of guys which disturbs the crap out of me. But I’m starting to at least understand why society and their hormones might make them think that way at first. If they only see women in that light, and their hormones are demanding it, how would they even think to feel otherwise? Someone somewhere has to snap them out of it. And I think as the hormones calm down and they hit their late 20s and early 30s, that’s what happens. The “drugs” start to wear off and they start to be able to reason and make decisions that are not fueled by power lust and sex lust. They start to become human beings – sometimes even civilized ones.

Really, I already knew all that, but now I sympathize a little instead of just flat out hating them for it. I had this idea that, yeah, maybe as a kid you have screwed up ideas, but when you get older, there’s no excuse. You know better. But really, can they? It’s influenced their whole view of the world. Genuinely, people are not as aware of themselves and everything around them as I am. Especially if they don’t take time to think or reflect. If they are just going going going, “drugged up” and power hungry to try to prove themselves as worthy due to an emptiness within them caused by the pressures around them… I mean, I can sympathize with them being screwed up. I really can. But it isn’t quite pity. I mean it is, but not the kind of pity where I am judging them and feeling like I am better than them. I just feel sorry for them. In a loving way. And I want to help. They have this fear that they have to conquer the world in order to be okay; to be loved; to be good enough. They think they know how to achieve that bliss they desire. But they are dead wrong. They are broken. And if they do achieve the power and quench all of that lust, they will eventually see how empty it is, and they will strive for more, because it wasn’t enough. At some point they will hopefully realize that it isn’t enough because it was never the answer to their emptiness…

Of course, that all goes for women, too. But I’m not sitting here trying to understand women better. I’m trying to understand men better. Not even trying to “understand” them, just trying to not be angry. I don’t want to be filled with the horror and disgust that I take around with me every day now. It has dissipated a little, but it is still there. That sympathy I mentioned, that is new. The words I just spoke are things I’d really already known for much of my life, but there is a tint of sympathy and compassion that was definitely not there before.

Having said that, in my lower moments, like today, it still upsets me. It just makes me feel so offended, disgusted and disappointed.

All humans are the same deep down. You don’t get to use them as tools or toys in your life. We are all the same, just with different life experiences; different freedoms and oppressions; different pressures; different upbringings. Our souls, underneath all the crap that the rest of life piles onto us to make us separate individual beings, are exactly the same. Dare I say it is ONE soul that we all share. I’ve known that. It is extremely sad to think that others don’t know that. They are missing out on so much.

Don’t look for a life partner who will fit a job title in your life. Look for someone who your soul calls out for. Someone who you love, respect and admire; someone you do not desperately need and depend upon, but mutually support and nurture; someone you can be yourself with and honest with; someone who will be your best friend and lover for the rest of your lives, regardless of all the misfortunes that may happen in your life – be it the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, the loss of jobs or money, etc. Don’t “love” someone for their ability to produce offspring for you. That is called USING someone. Don’t “love” someone for their mothering skills. That is called USING someone. That is not love. I know guys that think it is. But here is one more. Depending on someone for your emotional well-being is not love. That one is for me. A lot of my relationships have quite honestly been about that for me. And that’s why I leave – they don’t fit the bill. But I have to be responsible for my own emotional well-being, and I have to SEE how that affects what I require of a guy. I get that now.