The Highs Make the Lows Worse

Well today sucked. Maybe that’s not entirely true, but I’m done now. Snapped. Angry. Frustrated. My soul or whatever it is in there is trying to desperately search for a way to get my center back, but I’m not happy right now. So I’m going to try to work through that right here.

The day started off nice. Great weather, ahead of schedule at work… I was really in the zone today, as well. A couple times higher-ups wanted to chit chat and see how my work was going, and I really couldn’t tear away. Any other time I would have been fine, but today I was so into my work, juggling all the various thoughts and concepts, taking millions of things into account in an internal (and written) check list, so I really was not all there for the conversations. I tried really hard to pull myself out and practice all the skills I’ve been learning, but half my mind was still crunching away at all of my tasks and I just could not pull myself out. I’m sure I seemed angry or frustrated, even though I tried not to be, but honestly, I was. But you can’t tell your boss to come back later when they want to know how the work is going. Or maybe you can, I don’t know. So that’s a situation I need to figure out.

So like I said, I was ahead of schedule. So proud of myself! About to be done way ahead of schedule! I’ve been working my butt off! And then of course something gets pointed out to me. Something I’d already considered and tried but it didn’t work, so I went a different route. But now that other route is preferred.

Frustration.

I get it, I do. The first route is ideal. But time is not on my side. Time is a constraint. And I tried to explain why that route can’t be done as simply and easily as it was suggested. But I made a compromise, I said once I wrapped up this solution I’d look back into the other one. We have a schedule, and while I’m ahead of it, I’m not ahead by much. He’s right, though. The first route would be the perfect one, but that just wasn’t happening.

Should I have defended my route? Maybe the problem is that I agreed with him?

So of course from then on obstacle after obstacle was put in front of me, of course. My drive home was horrendous, I had to give up and take a worse route, and even that one wasn’t great as far as traffic. And then just – everything and everyone was in my way. Bicyclists keeping me from turning, people at the grocery store… suffice it to say I am not in a good mood right now.

So how do I fix this…

Well, let’s try this. I got my tasks at work finished ahead of schedule. Be freaking proud! Yes, there is another route that I can NOW explore without a time constraint. If that one doesn’t work out, like I fear, no sweat! I’ve already got a solution.

I guess one of the deep down issues is feeling like I worked my butt off and I did my best and was proud of myself, and it wasn’t good enough. I know that’s not the case here but yeah I do still take it that way because that’s a childhood feeling coming back to me. So really I just need to remind myself that my work is still awesome, and that, by all means, help me to make it better! I’ll look back into the other solution and maybe it can be EVEN better. I can do it. It isn’t a problem. There is no problem here. Just an accomplished task, and some time to make it even better if I want to. See! It’s great!

Okay, well I half believe myself. At least the anger and frustration is subsiding. Sucks to have had such a great weekend and then have all of this, though. Yesterday wasn’t all that great, either.

It’s all a test… a test of my endurance; my will power; my love; my strength; my resolve; my confidence. I’ve got this. No silly perspectives are going to ruin my mood for long. Now I will go back to FEELING LIKE A ROCK STAR!