Monday, February 18, 2013

What to Look for in Love and Marriage



I finished Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. Such a fascinating read! It took me on quite a journey, but I think I ended up basically where I started (as far as my opinions and what I want out of love), just with more knowledge and a deeper understanding.

So love and marriage can mean whatever we want. I believe I was right to think that you don’t know the full extent of the compatibility and dynamic of a relationship until you have a fight. What you fight about and how you handle it will tell a lot about how the relationship is set up and how both members of the couple view each other. Only after both have stopped trying to impress the other and get real and authentic can you really analyze the relationship and work to make it last.

As far as being opposites or the same; equals or traditional gender roles; best friends or merely “business” partners (where the business is to raise a family) – all of that is up to the individuals involved.

Just because [unhealthy] relationships are just band-aids to cover our deep wounds doesn’t mean that it’s bad to have a few nurturing aspects. Don’t desperately depend on each other, but you can have that person be part of a support system when you are in a rough spot and the sensitive areas of your heart could use some extra support and encouragement.

I still defend that you need to have the same idea of what a relationship and family should be. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want him to view intimacy as something special shared between two people who care deeply for one another. I want him to trust me as a life partner because of my impeccable wisdom, foresight and values – because he agrees with them, even if he can’t think of it himself all the time. However, I do expect that he consciously thinks the same things most of the time when it comes to making smart decisions in life, in our relationship, with kids, etc. This is one of my big successes, though – to not expect it ALL the time. To acknowledge that he will not, in fact, be an extension of my own being. He is his own being, and as telepathic as we may seem, we cannot in fact see into each other’s minds. He should have traits that compliment mine, and we should be able to tolerate each other’s worst moments.

That’s another important thing – you have to know the darkest moments and the worst your sweetie is capable of and be able to love him through it. You don’t have to love the behavior, but you have to know that it can happen, and that you are willing to work through it if it does. Usually people try to remind me, “No one is perfect,” and I always reply with, “Yes, but there are imperfections you can deal with, and there are imperfections that you can’t deal with.” Find someone with imperfections you can deal with, because you WILL have to deal with them. You can’t pretend they don’t exist – life doesn’t work that way. Repressing things like that will only cause a huge disaster later on.

It’s important to know what you expect, but also acknowledge what you do not expect. I do not expect my husband to always say the right thing at the right time. I do not expect my husband to always tread carefully around my heart’s sensitive areas. I do, however, expect that he will actively try to communicate gently and effectively, and if he crosses the line, he will apologize and work to correct himself with visible results. I, of course, will do the same.

Transparency, honesty and open communication are obviously very important to me. I go above and beyond. Apparently I need to do a better job of conveying how important it is that my S.O. be honest with me instead of trying to “keep me happy”. I always try to portray this. I give speeches. I try to explain that I will trust him much more if he tells me everything and we work through it, or else just don’t do stupid things to begin with. I express how keeping things from me will only cause problems down the line when I find out (and I always find out). And yet I’ve still had to break up with guys who kept things from me. And if I believe their excuse, it was because “I’d get mad”. Cowardice is not a good excuse for lying, but I can work to make sure my poor S.O. is not quite so terrified of me, although I do like the concept (sick, I know).

Most important is that I have to be able to honestly put myself in his shoes. If he screws up, I have to be able to put what I know aside and put myself in his emotional state. I have to have empathy for him. This hasn’t been my strong suit in most relationships. When someone screws up badly, they see my Hulk side. Simple things like using my dish towel for their hands or leaving the toilet seat up doesn’t bother me, but ignoring me for two days when he knew I was upset is sure to turn me into a monster.

There’s another thing I require. If I am upset, I demand that you prove you care such that I feel comfortable opening up to you, and you must attempt to comfort me. Do not dismiss my feelings. Do not try to fix my problems. Simply listen and be encouraging, loving and supportive. Support while knowing that I can fix my own problems and do not need your help, just your love. Be silent and hold me, if that’s all you can think of. Just be there for me. That’s actually a basic thing that most girls want and most guys suck at. But that’s what I require. And here’s the thing – I don’t want to feel needy. If I hint to you that I’m upset, take that hint and pry. I don’t want to come crying to you demanding that you come comfort me and care for me. That is not only controlling but superficial and does not help the unloved mood I am in. I want you to care all by yourself. I want you to care enough to want to know what is wrong and to comfort me. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do that. I know guys get confused by that, and if you don’t look at it that way, I can see why. But would you rather a girl demand that you be by her side and force you to listen to her? Wouldn’t you be upset about that, too? I know I sure as hell don’t want to force a guy to do something he doesn’t want to do, especially when it is CARING for me. How fake is that? How is that comforting? It’s not. So, guys, take the hint. Show that you care. If you don’t care, then don’t do it. You’ll get yelled at and potentially broken up with, but don’t be fake. That’s not fair to anyone involved. If you don’t care enough to be there for her, you probably aren’t right for each other…

So that’s a little bit about what love means to me. The whole “agreeing on values” aspect goes a whole lot deeper, but overall that’s basically it. I see areas I can improve on, but not a whole lot has changed since before this journey.

What does love mean to you?

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