From all the “life assignments” I’ve been handed
recently, I think I’ve come up with a guide on how to deal with interaction
problems with others. Here’s what I’ve got.
So you get into an argument with someone, or someone does
something that ticks you off. Have no fear! Just follow these steps.
1)
Reflect
and Analyze. Take a step back and analyze the situation. Know that right
now you are probably flooded with emotions and have the urge to attack and
defend yourself. That won’t help the problem! Look at what happened. Separate
out what was said versus what you heard. Ask yourself, why does this bother me
so much? How am I interpreting what was said or done? What simple concepts does
it break down into? Once you’ve done this, you can separate out what needs to
be addressed and what you need to process and get over. You may not like it,
but at least know it. For example, maybe someone was blatantly disrespectful to
you in front of your co-workers. What they said and how you feel about it is
something you have to get over. The fact that they said the disrespectful thing
in such a public forum is something that needs to be addressed.
2)
Deal with
the Main Problem. Once you’ve identified the main problem that needs to be
addressed, calmly collect your thoughts. Determine how best to communicate the
problem such that the other person will not get defensive and try to attack. Do
not argue about what was said or done that offends you, but merely the main
problem. For example, address the fact that you found it inappropriate to
discuss personal matters in front on co-workers, and ask them to please refrain
from those sorts of comments in such a public setting. If they do end up poking
at the problem, stay strong. Do not
let them drag you back into the argument. They can believe whatever they want.
You won’t necessarily be able to change their mind, and you may set yourself up
such that people think your “little talks” are just opportunities to continue
the fight instead of resolving it. Your goal is to resolve the main issue – not
to convince the other person that they are wrong. That is something that only
bothers you for your own reasons. If they are “wrong” about something work
related, then tread carefully. You do need to discuss it further, but do not
use words that will cause tension, and do not get flustered if they do use
those words.
3)
Separate
and Get Some Space. Once you’ve addressed the main issue, you may still
feel resentment. You may still be upset about what they said or did, and no
matter how hard you spell it out for yourself that it shouldn’t bother you, it
still puts you in a bad mood. You still think about all the things you could
say to them. This is where you need some space. You need to take some time away
from that person and from thoughts about that interaction. When you take some
space and don’t have another encounter looming over you that you are planning
out in your head, your life starts to move forward again. The argument may have
gotten you stuck in a ditch, but getting some space allows you to get unstuck and
start moving again. Then you can feel refreshed and able to deal with whatever
situation arises next.
That’s what I’ve learned, and that’s what has seemed to
work for me. Obviously a work in progress, but that’s what I’ve found so far. I
hope this helps someone!
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