History of Love and Marriage

As you may know, I am now questioning the validity, meaning and necessity of love. In addition to reading May Cause Miracles, which requires reading a couple pages each day, I am reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert for pleasure.

Committed is exactly what I need to be reading right now, because it explores the history of marriage, the implications of marriage and any connections it may or may not have to love. I am learning so much. In general, I already knew a lot of the things in the book, but not the extent to which it infects the institution of marriage.

I grew up looking around at all the vulgar stuff around me and declared that I was born in the wrong era. It used to be inappropriate to do a lot of the vile things people do and show these days. I knew the implications as far as women’s rights, but I felt like society was going to hell, and honestly I’m confident I’d be one of the big women’s rights leaders if I was born back then, anyway.

Reading some of the stories, and noticing how recent some of them are – some even in the 50s – I got a little teary eyed. I finally became grateful to be born when I was. All this vulgarity around me is really just the byproduct of the freedom we have. It isn’t good, but what it says about where we are today IS good. We are becoming more equal and more accepting. Like I just said, it isn’t all good, and I do feel like women are being objectified, but I’m starting to think that is less the case now than in the past – it’s just showing up in different ways now. Again, I already knew so much of this. I know about history. It’s just the application of those truths in today’s society that now seem to be clicking. Very interesting.

It’s horrifying to read about how marriage was viewed in early times all the way up through today. I highly suggest reading this book and fact-checking if you’d like. I know a lot of people that would not believe the things I’ve read in this book. I plan on doing a little research, myself. Some of the more eye-opening points are how marriage was actually frowned upon by early Christians. Marriage itself was little better than being a whore. Only when the church became political and got upset about the political implications of marriage and divorce did our current notion of marriage being “sacred” and “holy” come about. Hard to believe, huh? There’s more stuff like that in there. Not just about religion. That’s just one example. It’s very fascinating and will probably inspire me to do my own research.

As the book goes on, it talks about infatuation and the beginning of relationships. I found myself nodding hysterically. I always hated the “honeymoon” part of a relationship. The book is talking about how we project things onto our lovers; that we are just intoxicated by our own reflection. I have always understood that. I always felt like the beginning of a relationship was fake to some extent. Both parties are trying to impress the other; you still don’t really know who that person is; you let things slide because you don’t want to cause a fuss. I’d always try to expedite the process. I gave them the most honest rundown of me, my thoughts, my flaws and my mistakes, such that, right up front, they know who they are dealing with. And I expected the same in return, which was never fully reciprocated, I feel like. I’d get some information, but they never seemed to see the importance, or if they did, they hadn’t ever analyzed themselves enough to know what to say. Or they were just hiding stuff. It did make them feel way more confident about me, though. I feel like a relationship isn’t real until you’ve had your first fight. Then you get to see what ticks someone off and how you both work together to fix it. That’s the beginning of the REAL relationship, because you were authentic enough to disagree.

My main complaint is still the same. The more I explore what love and marriage is all about, the less I see a point in it. Why raise kids with fairy tales of true love when the whole thing is as real as Santa Claus?