I went rogue and started doing some research of my own on
marriage, just to get other perspectives and see if other references agree. I
don’t even know where to find reliable facts on the internet anymore, so who
knows how accurate any of it is. I kept all of that in the back of my head as I
read things and discussed with friends and colleagues.
Marriage is really starting to make me feel icky. I swear
we (my generation) were raised on all sorts of falsehoods that many people (in
fact probably just about everyone) still believe in. “True love” and “you’ll
just know when you meet ‘The One’” was engrained in us at a very young age. It
kind of makes me angry. I was not prepared for this. I would have done things
so much differently; I would have viewed things so much differently. I would
have expected such different things. I would not have been as stressed out or
upset about anything, really.
So now I’m forced to start thinking about what “love” and
“marriage” mean to me. I can have it
mean whatever I want. That’s basically the point these days – we are free to make
almost any decision we want and for any reason we want.
For starters, I’m pretty terrified that I will now demand
to have a boyfriend/husband who has read and absorbed all these books I’ve been
reading. I’m afraid I will now want someone who not only fits all my old
standards, but in addition, is aware of his “fears” and “ego” and works daily
to view the world with love and overcome his fearful ways. My nearly impossible
standards just got even MORE ridiculous.
However, I don’t know that for sure. I can speculate as
to how I will be, but I really won’t know until someone comes along.
That’s another thing: I basically expect that I have
completely killed love for myself. I won’t ever look at feelings for another
human being the same way again. Now all I will see is, “Oh, I like this guy.
What does that mean? I must be lacking in Trait A, and he has it, and he
strengthens that trait in me. Thanks, buddy! Time for me to go off and work on
my own Trait A now! See ya!”
That’s… actually kind of how the last one turned out,
come to think of it…
Anyways, so if I did want to renew my faith in love, what
would I have it mean for me? Most – scratch that,
all – of my old standards still apply: No cheating (remembering that you can
cheat with your eyes, mind, hands, body, heart, etc.); Hobbies and interests don’t
have to be the same, but the desire to support and sometimes join your
significant other in their interests should be there; You should want to share
the details of your life with the person you are sharing a life with (this
would also help with not “growing apart”, not to mention just being up-to-date
on your sweetie’s life, problems, thoughts, etc.); Encouraging and supporting
one another through hard times and helping to raise each other's confidence
when they are feeling low…
Blah, blah, blah. Everything is the same! So I’ll try to
focus on what has changed. Has anything changed?
What’s changed is that I probably no longer need as much
proof that I am the center of their universe. Maybe I won’t be as paranoid
about worst-case scenarios, simply because I know that I will survive if they
do turn up (as I write this, I realize that I logically know this, but don’t
emotionally know this yet).
I think a good outcome of all this is that I will no
longer feel the need to have my significant other be exactly like me and become
one with me. I might now be able to accept
that I will not know every thought that goes through his head; every
conversation he has… and that that’s okay. There isn’t some vital piece of the
puzzle that I will miss that will make the whole relationship topple over
later. The relationship may crumble, but studying every detail of his thoughts
and actions won’t help me avoid it. Even though I may surrender this paranoia,
my intelligence and observation skills will not suddenly be turned off. I am
smart enough to put pieces together. I am just surrendering the stress of
anticipating something that may never happen, or reading into things that don’t
matter as much as I think they do.
That is going to be so hard to do.
Really, I’ll keep acting the same for the most part – the
difference will be in how I perceive the other person. That, in turn, will
reduce one of the only behavior flaws I have – getting upset and reading too
much into things.
I’m almost scared for the world. Once I fix that, I’m
unstoppable! And if I lose weight, too… goodness. The world isn’t ready for
such awesomeness.
See? That’s the attitude you have to have with yourself.
Be your own cheerleader. Be your own supportive coach. Know that deep down,
under all those fears, you are incredible and irresistible.
Love yourself.
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