Tell Tale Signs of Impending Infidelity

I was reading in Committed and I found a section that struck me so hard like déjà vu that I felt sick to my stomach. A truth that I have known and have tried to protect myself against, and here it was, spelled out, with a little more detail and authority than my young mind could come up with or explain before.

It’s about how people set themselves up for infidelity, and then something just “happens”. Yes, they SET THEMSELVES UP. Let me explain.

The book talks about the work of a psychologist named Shirley P. Glass. She would see patients who were unfaithful and would ask them how it happened. What she determined was that your relationship with your significant other has “walls and windows” to the outside world. Those windows are appropriate conversation topics that you discuss with your friends and family. Then there are the walls – things that you keep private inside your relationship that you and your significant other know and discuss. There is that trust and intimacy there regarding your private affairs and any private problems you have. The problem is when those walls and windows are rearranged. You decide to share with “just a new friend” some of the intimate details of your relationship. You express your deepest desires and frustrations. It feels good to get all of that out. It feels good to be heard. Those things should not be shared with friends – that is overstepping the bounds of that friendship. Now, to keep your significant other from getting jealous, you hide it from them. Now you have built a wall between you and your significant other. From there, it is only a matter of time before someone is upset and sometime tries to “comfort” the other, and suddenly there’s a desire, a kiss, and maybe more.

This time it isn’t me being crazy. This time someone else is acknowledging that’s how it can work.

Two of my deepest relationships had a girl that was “too close”. I didn’t care about all of the guys’ friends, but there was always just one that was too close; too important. I saw this behavior. And it bothered me. Generally, and I was always proven right in the end, the girl was after him, and he played right into it by being so close to her. And we fought about it. And in some cases, I left them because of it.

In another relationship, the guy was talking to other girls behind my back, because he thought “I’d get upset”. He built a wall between us. I left him for that. The conversations may or may not have been innocent, but he was lying to me. If there isn’t anything sketchy happening, why not tell the other person? How is that building a relationship of trust and respect? It’s not. It’s building a fake relationship built on facades and tip-toeing around. You’re too scared to show your real self, and therefore you won’t ever have a real relationship.

Dr. Glass says that if you find yourself having a conversation where you expose more than you should, you need to go home and tell your significant other. Tell them that you found yourself divulging things that are normally just spoken between the two of you, and how you miss that level of intimacy between the two of you. Instead of just throwing away the intimacy of the relationship, try to get it back! Save the damn relationship! Be honest! Communicate!

I still feel nauseous. It hit a little too close to home for me. I hate being lied to. I hate having things kept from me. It’s not right. I do my best to make sure my significant other knows EVERYTHING. I’m even EXTREME about it. If a guy whistles at me, I tell him. If someone hits on me, I tell him. If a friend confesses he likes me, I tell him and decide how we want to deal with it, as a PARTNERSHIP. It doesn’t just affect me. I refuse to build walls between me and the person I love. Why can’t everyone else do that?? Because you’re scared to lose them?? Why can’t you see that keeping things from them will end up in you guaranteeing the demise of the relationship? No one thinks long term. No one. Except for me, apparently.

I seem to be getting fired up there. Hitting some walls, fears and resistance. I guess this is good. It doesn’t feel good right now. It feels like reliving a whole bunch of bad parts of my relationships.