I finished Committed
by Elizabeth Gilbert. Such a fascinating read! It took me on quite a journey,
but I think I ended up basically where I started (as far as my opinions and
what I want out of love), just with more knowledge and a deeper understanding.
So love and marriage can mean whatever we want. I believe
I was right to think that you don’t know the full extent of the compatibility
and dynamic of a relationship until you have a fight. What you fight about and
how you handle it will tell a lot about how the relationship is set up and how
both members of the couple view each other. Only after both have stopped trying
to impress the other and get real and authentic can you really analyze the
relationship and work to make it last.
As far as being opposites or the same; equals or
traditional gender roles; best friends or merely “business” partners (where the
business is to raise a family) – all of that is up to the individuals involved.
Just because [unhealthy] relationships are just band-aids
to cover our deep wounds doesn’t mean that it’s bad to have a few nurturing
aspects. Don’t desperately depend on each other, but you can have that person
be part of a support system when you are in a rough spot and the sensitive
areas of your heart could use some extra support and encouragement.
I still defend that you need to have the same idea of
what a relationship and family should be. I want my husband to be my best
friend. I want him to view intimacy as something special shared between two
people who care deeply for one another. I want him to trust me as a life
partner because of my impeccable wisdom, foresight and values – because he
agrees with them, even if he can’t think of it himself all the time. However, I
do expect that he consciously thinks the same things most of the time when it
comes to making smart decisions in life, in our relationship, with kids, etc.
This is one of my big successes, though – to not expect it ALL the time. To
acknowledge that he will not, in fact, be an extension of my own being. He is
his own being, and as telepathic as we may seem, we cannot in fact see into
each other’s minds. He should have traits that compliment mine, and we should
be able to tolerate each other’s worst moments.
That’s another important thing – you have to know the
darkest moments and the worst your sweetie is capable of and be able to love him
through it. You don’t have to love the behavior, but you have to know that it
can happen, and that you are willing to work through it if it does. Usually
people try to remind me, “No one is perfect,” and I always reply with, “Yes,
but there are imperfections you can deal with, and there are imperfections that
you can’t deal with.” Find someone with imperfections you can deal with,
because you WILL have to deal with them. You can’t pretend they don’t exist –
life doesn’t work that way. Repressing things like that will only cause a huge
disaster later on.
It’s important to know what you expect, but also
acknowledge what you do not expect. I do not expect my husband to always say
the right thing at the right time. I do not expect my husband to always tread
carefully around my heart’s sensitive areas. I do, however, expect that he will
actively try to communicate gently and effectively, and if he crosses the line,
he will apologize and work to correct himself with visible results. I, of
course, will do the same.
Transparency, honesty and open communication are
obviously very important to me. I go above and beyond. Apparently I need to do
a better job of conveying how important it is that my S.O. be honest with me
instead of trying to “keep me happy”. I always try to portray this. I give
speeches. I try to explain that I will trust him much more if he tells me
everything and we work through it, or else just don’t do stupid things to begin
with. I express how keeping things from me will only cause problems down the
line when I find out (and I always find out). And yet I’ve still had to break
up with guys who kept things from me. And if I believe their excuse, it was
because “I’d get mad”. Cowardice is not a good excuse for lying, but I can work
to make sure my poor S.O. is not quite so terrified of me, although I do like
the concept (sick, I know).
Most important is that I have to be able to honestly put
myself in his shoes. If he screws up, I have to be able to put what I know
aside and put myself in his emotional state. I have to have empathy for him.
This hasn’t been my strong suit in most relationships. When someone screws up
badly, they see my Hulk side. Simple things like using my dish towel for their
hands or leaving the toilet seat up doesn’t bother me, but ignoring me for two
days when he knew I was upset is sure to turn me into a monster.
There’s another thing I require. If I am upset, I demand
that you prove you care such that I feel comfortable opening up to you, and you
must attempt to comfort me. Do not dismiss my feelings. Do not try to fix my
problems. Simply listen and be encouraging, loving and supportive. Support
while knowing that I can fix my own problems and do not need your help, just
your love. Be silent and hold me, if that’s all you can think of. Just be there
for me. That’s actually a basic thing that most girls want and most guys suck
at. But that’s what I require. And here’s the thing – I don’t want to feel
needy. If I hint to you that I’m upset, take that hint and pry. I don’t want to
come crying to you demanding that you come comfort me and care for me. That is
not only controlling but superficial and does not help the unloved mood I am
in. I want you to care all by yourself. I want you to care enough to want to
know what is wrong and to comfort me. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do that.
I know guys get confused by that, and if you don’t look at it that way, I can
see why. But would you rather a girl demand that you be by her side and force
you to listen to her? Wouldn’t you be upset about that, too? I know I sure as
hell don’t want to force a guy to do something he doesn’t want to do,
especially when it is CARING for me. How fake is that? How is that comforting?
It’s not. So, guys, take the hint. Show that you care. If you don’t care, then
don’t do it. You’ll get yelled at and potentially broken up with, but don’t be
fake. That’s not fair to anyone involved. If you don’t care enough to be there
for her, you probably aren’t right for each other…
So that’s a little bit about what love means to me. The
whole “agreeing on values” aspect goes a whole lot deeper, but overall that’s
basically it. I see areas I can improve on, but not a whole lot has changed
since before this journey.
What does love mean to you?
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