I spent a little time today thinking about my
expectations for a romantic relationship. We seem to think there is one person
out there who can “save” us and will make us infinitely happy. At a young age,
a friend of mine once told me not to put all my eggs in one basket. My response
has always been that it is easier to find one person to understand you and care
for you than it is to find several people...
One of the books I’m reading suggests that you bring some
aspects of “romance” to your friendships to lessen the pressure you put on your
romantic relationships. Well, the same thing applies. I can’t talk to my “friends”
the same way – I’ve tried. The people who have been around me do not understand
me at all. If I ever try to go to them with my thoughts or problems, I always
end up angry and frustrated because they have no idea what I’m talking about
and I just have to give them a lecture about how my world works and how they
need to realize my truths in their own lives, and for what? How is that helpful
to anyone? When I’m in a relationship, the guy actually gets it. He may not understand
completely, but I pick guys I can have an intelligent and meaningful conversation
with about these things, and sometimes they even agree. At the very least they
respect and admire me for my views and morals. So… bringing that to my
friendships?
Well I guess the solution is clear: Make new friends. That’s
been my goal for a while, but I guess I’ve been slacking. Last time I tried, I
ended up with a boyfriend, haha. There are a couple people I know now that I
can share knowledge with in these ways. Finding people like that isn’t exactly
easy. Most people my age still act like they are in college. Actually, the
people I’m referring to are a decade or more older than me… figures!
Those are not helpful thoughts. Those are negative
thoughts. I choose love instead.
Things will change. What I want from a relationship will
change. I worry so much about the other person’s motives, habits and thoughts –
well guess what? I really am good at reading people. Not perfect, but unusually
good. That is my gift. Therefore, I don’t have to have all this fear about
ending up with someone horrible. I have really good intuition. I need to give
myself some credit, and look to my old relationships to back me up. I know what’s
going on. I figure people out. If I decide someone is worth my time, and if I
decide to get married, it will most certainly be one of the most careful,
planned, researched and validated decisions someone could make. There are no
guarantees, because you never know how life will turn out – HOWEVER – if anyone
is going to choose the right person, it would be me. I can trust myself.
Not to mention, all these changes I’m going through are
going to help me. It’s going to be my responsibility to keep the relationship
afloat. Let’s face it – as exes have told me, I have things figured out way
better than most people do. I can’t expect someone to be at my level of
understanding of the human mind. Frankly, if someone is at my level, I should
trust them less, because they could be using it for evil. I feel like, if I get
married, it will end up being with someone who is pure “enough”, who respects
my opinions and looks up to my wise views and is patient and willing to work on
any issues we have in the ways that I have spelled out. Everything else… I don’t
know how that will turn out. I will have to use all this enlightenment, or
whatever you want to call it, to determine how we work through things, and I
will have the most responsibility placed upon me to make sure I do not react
out of fear and stay on the path of love.
That makes it sound like I’ll have to be the parent… to
my husband. While I know this is a common joke, that is not the reality I
wanted for myself.
I don’t know. Whatever… my mind is just trying to find a
comfortable place to rest on this topic. It has not worked yet. Regardless,
life changes. I know that. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Just
because relationships mean one thing to me now, and just because I want certain
things now, does not mean that will be it forever. All I can do is just work on
myself and wait and see. As always, I’m applying all these generalizations to
all men everywhere, which isn’t fair. I’ll feel it when a candidate comes
along, and I can apply my thoughts there. I just hate how feelings can meddle
with my process. Like last time, I knew I was right, but something told me it
was okay. And it was. He was a good guy and the circumstances started me on
this journey, yet he himself was not right for me. We were meant to pass
through each other’s lives at that time. I hate that answer, but sometimes it’s
as simple as that.
Just worry about making yourself happy. Worry about being
whole all by yourself. The rest will work itself out.
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