Saturday, February 16, 2013

Steps to Handle Arguments and Other Interaction Problems



From all the “life assignments” I’ve been handed recently, I think I’ve come up with a guide on how to deal with interaction problems with others. Here’s what I’ve got.

So you get into an argument with someone, or someone does something that ticks you off. Have no fear! Just follow these steps.

1)      Reflect and Analyze. Take a step back and analyze the situation. Know that right now you are probably flooded with emotions and have the urge to attack and defend yourself. That won’t help the problem! Look at what happened. Separate out what was said versus what you heard. Ask yourself, why does this bother me so much? How am I interpreting what was said or done? What simple concepts does it break down into? Once you’ve done this, you can separate out what needs to be addressed and what you need to process and get over. You may not like it, but at least know it. For example, maybe someone was blatantly disrespectful to you in front of your co-workers. What they said and how you feel about it is something you have to get over. The fact that they said the disrespectful thing in such a public forum is something that needs to be addressed.
2)      Deal with the Main Problem. Once you’ve identified the main problem that needs to be addressed, calmly collect your thoughts. Determine how best to communicate the problem such that the other person will not get defensive and try to attack. Do not argue about what was said or done that offends you, but merely the main problem. For example, address the fact that you found it inappropriate to discuss personal matters in front on co-workers, and ask them to please refrain from those sorts of comments in such a public setting. If they do end up poking at the problem, stay strong. Do not let them drag you back into the argument. They can believe whatever they want. You won’t necessarily be able to change their mind, and you may set yourself up such that people think your “little talks” are just opportunities to continue the fight instead of resolving it. Your goal is to resolve the main issue – not to convince the other person that they are wrong. That is something that only bothers you for your own reasons. If they are “wrong” about something work related, then tread carefully. You do need to discuss it further, but do not use words that will cause tension, and do not get flustered if they do use those words.
3)      Separate and Get Some Space. Once you’ve addressed the main issue, you may still feel resentment. You may still be upset about what they said or did, and no matter how hard you spell it out for yourself that it shouldn’t bother you, it still puts you in a bad mood. You still think about all the things you could say to them. This is where you need some space. You need to take some time away from that person and from thoughts about that interaction. When you take some space and don’t have another encounter looming over you that you are planning out in your head, your life starts to move forward again. The argument may have gotten you stuck in a ditch, but getting some space allows you to get unstuck and start moving again. Then you can feel refreshed and able to deal with whatever situation arises next.

That’s what I’ve learned, and that’s what has seemed to work for me. Obviously a work in progress, but that’s what I’ve found so far. I hope this helps someone!

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