Yesterday was horrible. I had quite a meltdown. Now that
I’m done with Committed, I went back
to a book I had started reading called The
Moral Animal: Why We Are The Way We Are. Fascinating read, but it was
poking a lot of sore spots that I’m not strong enough to handle yet. Add some
daily stressors, and boom – complete meltdown.
Everything I’m learning is extremely disenchanting. Some
of the first books made it seem like love and relationships are just a
band-aid. Committed thoroughly
reminded me of the history of love and marriage and how it’s been used as a
political and social tool as well as pretty damn unfair to women. The Moral Animal talks about love and
lust from an evolutionary and psychological standpoint. It’s more than your
standard “guys are wired to be sluts” – I also learned that girls are wired to
be picky, because we can’t have as many children, so we have to make ours
count. What I learned today was about humans being a high Male Parental
Investment (MPI) species, because in order for our young to prosper generally
the fathers need to stick around. Therefore the guys will sleep with anything
but they’ll only want to raise kids with a good woman, and therefore women are
competing for a guy that will dedicate his resources and time to her and her
offspring. Not only that, but according to that book, men don’t even care if a
woman grows an emotional attachment to another man – their jealousy just comes
from their woman sleeping with another man, because he will have misplaced his
precious time and resources. Whereas a woman supposedly is more upset about her
man devoting his time and attention to another woman than she is bothered by
him sleeping with her. For me, both are deal breakers and equally bad, but I
can see how that works.
All I hear in all this crap is that love doesn’t exists;
love isn’t forever; love isn’t even relevant in anything. Romantic love is
completely made up and sold to us. My heart and mind are extremely upset about
all of this. I’ve continuously come up against that conclusion over the years,
but I’ve tried to fight it off. I’m back to where I’ve always been – what I
want literally does not exist.
I try to remind myself to peek behind the curtain at why
I wanted “love”; to remind myself that I have to love myself - but I can’t do
that right now. It’s too much.
The book even goes into things I’ve known for many years
– guys act like they are more kind, caring and trustworthy than they actually
are. It literally said that. This is where sweet-talking comes in. This is why
sweet-talking is fake. But evolution has that one covered, too – it actually
makes the guy think he is “in love” such that he believes all the sweet-talking
he is saying. So even when he means it, he doesn’t mean it. I figured that one
out, too. It’s one of those things where you don’t want to be right.
So how am I supposed to take all of that and ever want to
be in any kind of relationship with a man ever again? Yes, they are sluts. No,
they cannot be trusted, even if they believe they can be trusted. They don’t
even get jealous for the same reasons women do, so how on earth could they be
faithful in a way that means anything to a woman? Basically, if you’ve got a
good man, he’ll stick around until the kids are grown, and then it’s up in the
air. That was his evolutionary purpose of staying with you – to raise the kids.
Now his internal program tells him to find a fertile woman and keep it going.
And what are women programmed to do at that point? Just die? Ha!
This is all such crap. How can half the things I read
show me that all anyone wants is love and to feel good enough, while at the
same time romantic love doesn’t exist and was created to control and manage
people who are programmed to endlessly procreate? How do those things go
together? How do I, or rather, should I even bother to come up with a mentality
about this that makes me feel better?
Why should I ever bother having another boyfriend, or a
husband, for that matter? And kids don’t count. If I ever want kids, I have
plenty of other options. The whole point was to find “true love” and raise a
family with my best friend and lover, never to even consider something as
ridiculous as sex outside marriage, because love and sex are tied at the hip.
Forever. Wasn’t that everyone’s understanding? Wasn’t that everyone’s dream?
No? Wasn’t that what everyone has been searching for? Well that one I have to
laugh at, because it seems 99% of the people I’ve been exposed to, as they were
growing up, were just looking for stupid irresponsible meaningless sex. I hate
that it is a timing thing. I hate it. I don’t want a guy that was a slut all
his life and NOW he wants a wife, and “I’ll do”. No. That ticks me off so
badly. Screw that. You don’t get to act like that and then get me. I’ve been
like this my whole life, and I deserve someone who has always been decent. I
deserve a guy who has standards and won’t sleep with anything that moves, or
even want to. And yet, apparently that doesn’t exist. Nope. So then it is
settled. No husband for me. I’m not tying my life to some scumbag whose sole
purpose is to trick me into thinking that I’m special to him such that I’ll
produce his offspring and he can pine away or even sleep with others behind my
back as I care for the fake loving family he pretends to have.
Oh boy. Inner Guide/Love/Uni-verse/”God”, we’ve got quite
a lot to deal with here. Please heal my thoughts. Please allow me to see
another perspective. I choose to see this differently, I just don’t know how
yet. I choose love over fear, but fear is closing my heart. My heart is
padlocked shut right now. I need to send myself some light and love so I can be
at peace with all this crap.
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