Rise from the Flames: Things Will Change

The other day I was really upset about how pointless and revolting the truth behind love really was. Here’s the thing – I don’t need to worry about that right now. Here I am drawing all these overarching conclusions and damning every man on the planet and envisioning a long, miserable, lonely life for myself. I don’t need to do that. All I need to do right now is worry about me. Completing myself and making myself happy and confident. If a guy comes along who interests me, then I can use all this knowledge to break that relationship down into millions of pieces I can analyze and ponder if I want to. Until then, everything is in my mind. None of these conclusions are real. None of these apply to anything in my current life. I mean, they do, to the people around me, but it doesn’t affect me directly.

I’m going through a lot of changes right now. Who even knows what I’ll want out of a relationship when I come out the other side? Right now I’m still clinging to what I’ve always wanted. Like I said in a previous post, I want someone to prove that they care when I am upset. That’s fine and all, but where is that coming from within me? Those are coming from feelings of incompleteness. This journey I’m on is supposed to help with that. I can’t cling to what I wanted from a relationship any more than I can cling to the old fairytale illusion of love. Maybe it will mostly be the same – maybe it’ll all be the same – but I’m not at a place right now to worry about that.

First thing’s first: Get myself complete and happy. I might even joyfully not want a companion. Who knows! I’m not done growing through all this yet, so I can’t keep telling myself the same old things and asking myself the same negative questions. Like a recent post in The Daily Love said, I have to start asking myself different questions that give me access to the answers I’m looking for. Instead of asking myself “Why on earth would I want to share my life with a [insert choice words] man?” I need to ask myself “How do I help myself to feel complete?” or even “How do I find a decent, trustworthy guy who is not as sex-crazed as most?” I need to ask myself helpful questions instead of questions that are really just negative statements. I need to just keep asking myself questions that guide me towards feeling complete and happy, whatever that ends up being. I have to know that as the process continues, what I want will change. Priorities will change. Passions will change. Friends, jobs, homes will all change, and so will my thoughts. This is not a forever fate. I am only 25 years old, and I am growing and thinking way beyond my years. I will be fine. I will be happy - it just might not be what I’ve pictured happiness to be up until now. I know I’m smart, resourceful, generous, competent and talented. I know any guy would be ridiculously lucky to have me in his life. I don’t need other people to make me feel good about myself.

I need to stop looking for outward solutions to inward problems. Finding the perfect guy will not make me happy. I think I have felt that way much of my life. If I could just find the guy who wants all the things that I possess, and cares so deeply for me, and I satisfy and embody everything he is looking for, and he is everything I am looking for, then I’d be okay. Then I could be happy. I made myself as perfect as I could so I could fit someone’s ridiculously high standards that only I met. Only me. Then I wouldn’t be alone. Well, that’s not how it works. I know that logically, but I still hung onto it emotionally. That’s exactly the stuff I need to work on. I literally felt like what I had to offer was wasted on most guys, because they couldn’t appreciate it. They didn’t require it. They had little to no standards. I could be anyone. Any nice girl. I hated that. I’m better than that. They didn’t deserve me. See? Those are the sorts of things that have deeply rooted pain behind them that need to be fixed. I held myself to these standards, and so I hold others to these standards. How I judge others, I judge myself. Judging is determining who is worthy of love. We are all worthy of love. I guess I just still haven’t gotten that yet.

I’m proud of how quickly I bounced back from my meltdown. I was able to talk myself through it and realize what was going on. I really didn’t even wish someone was there to comfort me or talk to me. That’s a first. Usually that piles onto the misery, as well. This is all good progress. These changes don’t happen overnight. Things are changing. Everything will be okay.