Yesterday was a day of reflection in my daily exercises
from Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause
Miracles. I got to look back over all the emotions, realizations and
progress I’ve made over the past week. I made a lot of progress, but it was
interesting looking back at the negative moments over the last seven days.
There were times I got very frustrated. Sometimes I felt
like I was being dismissed and disrespected, and other times I felt like people
were telling me what I needed in my life, which actually has nothing to do with
(and is sometimes the complete opposite of) what I know I need. I think anyone
would feel some sort of negative feelings towards those sorts of concepts.
Despite whatever stories other people tell themselves, I have to search deep
down inside myself and remember that what other people think doesn’t matter. I
don’t have to prove myself to them. No one is claiming to see deep into my soul
and my life in order to attack my own knowledge of what is going on in there.
And if they are, they are foolish.
I guess I just feel like I have to give off all the
impressions of who I truly am, because if I’m giving off impressions that are
not who I think I am, then I’m actually lying to myself about who I am. Does
that make any sense?
I guess it goes back to my old (and current) way of
thinking: Everyone sees themselves in a positive light. Everyone defends their
own thoughts and actions. Everyone thinks they are the good guy; the one “in
the right”. That’s not always the case. Sometimes that person is the one
starting the fights; being unnecessarily rude; jumping to the wrong
conclusions; acting selfishly; etc. That’s the logic I’ve been living by.
Therefore, I acknowledge I am thinking in the same way, so if others have a
different perspective of me, then that’s shedding light on something I’m not
admitting to myself. For example (and this is not a real-life example) let’s
say that I think I am honest and dependable. Then I hear that people are saying
I’m a liar. Maybe I’d get defensive and be like “Oh, well THAT time I had a
good reason.” Now, I know I am honest and dependable, and the fact that
everyone around me knows that, too, further proves the point. So it isn’t that
I care what people think, but that I acknowledge what other people think is a
reflection of how I actually behave, which is a reflection of some level of
truth about me.
And that’s also why I always feel like I have to prove
myself or my ideas to people. If I can just explain it correctly, they’ll
understand, and they’ll agree with me. Then they’ll see I’m right. Most of the
time I’m successful.
Honestly I don’t even see why that is bad. I feel like
the lessons I’ve been learning would say that I shouldn’t put any faith in what
other people think. I think I’m still pretty valid in my thoughts here, though.
I could even use that technique to target other aspects of myself, and that’s
exactly where my problems come in. If someone is dismissing me, I start to
wonder why. Have I presented inaccurate ideas before that caused them to form
this opinion? Or are they just trying to compete with me and prove that their
idea is better? I guess that’s where it starts to get unhealthy. One concept
deals with my character; another concept deals with someone’s attitude towards
me. Those are different. They can be connected, but they are not necessarily
connected.
That’s also why I’m so bad at taking criticism, though.
For so long I’ve decided (more like been trained) to blindly believe all criticism
of me, such that I built up so much pain from thinking I was never good enough,
smart enough or competent enough. At some point I started trying to heal
myself, but I always ran into more of that criticism, as we all do, and it
pours salt on those not-so-healed wounds.
Ah. My inner guide spoke up again. Balance. Always
balance. Know when someone’s comments or opinions are a reflection of you, and
know when they are a reflection of them. Not easy, but I think deep down we
generally have some idea. It could even be both. If someone tries to make you
feel stupid, first acknowledge that if they are making a huge deal about it --
that comes from their own issues. If they have to prove themselves by
bulldozing over-top of you -- that is all about them. They have to prove they
are right to defend their own dignity. After acknowledging that, maybe you can
find a nugget of truth in there. Maybe you didn’t consider another perspective.
Maybe you could be better prepared next time. As they say at The Daily Love, take
what resonates, and leave the rest.
I just want to mention that for the past two posts, I had
no idea what to write. Basically all of the other posts I was overflowing with
ideas. These last two, I opened up a blank document and stared at it for a minute.
I knew I just needed to start writing for things to flow in my head, but I’m
surprised at how much came up. It really is rather therapeutic. I highly
suggest to everyone that you journal regularly. Once you get going, all sorts
of truths and issues can be revealed that otherwise would have just stayed in
the background of your mind.
I guess I just finally cleared out all the stuff that was
upfront, and now I’m leaving space for the deeply embedded issues to wiggle
their way up and out.
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