This weekend my mind went crazy. I did well, positive and
accepting, but after a while I started getting way too deep into all sorts of
things. I looked around and saw the mess all around me that I’ve been trying to
clean up. I saw my out-of-shape self in the mirror. I “saw” my hectic schedule
for this weekend. Then I saw some remnants from my ex, and I started thinking
about all that, too. I thought about whether or not he was right for me; how he
felt about me now; whether or not I was just scared no one else would come
along. I even found myself re-analyzing nearly every single thing he’d ever
said to me, finding new holes and problems and new ways to interpret things.
Why!?
I started getting upset. Obviously! I knew this was all
just me. I knew this was just me being crazy and letting my mind run wild. I
don’t understand why it felt the need to do that, though. Maybe my ego just
knows it is losing its power, so it is fighting back.
I have a motto that I try to explain to my friends when
they are getting carried away with their thoughts: Worrying should only be used
when it helps you identify and plan how to tackle potential problems. If your
pondering and worrying can’t help you fix a problem, then it is pointless. And
my worrying and pondering was completely pointless!
To make a long story short, I listened to some music and
“meditated”. I put it in quotes because I don’t know what exactly constitutes
meditating. My version is I just sat staring at some artwork listening to music
with no lyrics and tried to clear my mind. I started playing more parts of Eat
Pray Love in my head. I was envisioning the parts where Liz is on the floor,
and that voice says “Go back to bed”. I also thought about when she was in
Italy, and I think she heard/remembered David saying, “Get off the floor.”
I didn’t hear any voice any different from all the other
thoughts I was thinking, but my voice told me, “Just get your crap together.” It
actually chose a different word, but I want to keep this blog clean.
Everything my mind came up with afterwards was pretty
comforting. I just have to focus on getting myself together, my
responsibilities, my house, etc. and then I can worry about bringing other joys
into my life. Work on the foundation, and the rest will come. I don’t need to
be pondering and worrying about all this other stuff. One thing at a time. No
need to rush and grasp at quick results. This whole thing is a process. You
can’t rush, worry and stress about your house and weight and still be a
centered, accepting, calm person who loves herself unconditionally. These are
all parts of it. These are just more areas where I need to inject love and
enthusiasm. I have no deadline. I wish these things were done already, but
there is no deadline, so it is insane to be stressing about it.
Sometimes you just have to play the cards you’re dealt
until you get a new hand.
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