Acceptance or Reversion?

A strange thing happened the other day. I’m not really sure if it was my heart closing or just accepting a situation for what it is. It was a feeling I got when thinking about my ex. As I’ve said, I see through his mistakes and I love his soul, but I couldn’t handle his past. Most people probably wouldn’t care, but it bothered me. So now with all this acceptance stuff, I always seem to throw it up against the situation with him and see how I feel about things.

I already accepted that his mistakes, like anyone’s, are just “missing the mark” in a human being’s endless quest for the feeling of unconditional love. And I now sort of understand that people can really change, grow and mature in a valid way. So I was feeling really forgiving and accepting about the whole thing, and almost wanted to give it another try. I decided it wasn’t the time though – even if I did, now is not the time. We both have a lot of things to sort out about ourselves. We learned together, and now we have to go our separate ways to implement and do the work. But the other day – I don’t know what I felt. It feels like I shut the door on that relationship forever. I have obviously felt that way before, but that was before all of this enlightenment. So now I don’t know if I’ve backtracked or if I’ve honestly accepted all the pieces to this, and have decided in a healthy way that he still isn’t right for me.

It isn’t all about him, really. This is kind of a platform to work through my issues, which is why this gets tricky – separating my growth from his place in my life. He was such a perfect combination of good and bad that I saw a crack in my wall of fear and could see him for the beautiful person he is. But the wall is still there, and while I’m working to remove it, there is a lot to be done, and I don’t fully know what is on the other side. This is why I’m not letting myself trick myself into getting back together with him, at least not now. That can’t be decided right now. There’s too much going on; too much I’m sorting through. And he is, too. So for now I’m purely going to use my feelings for him to help me through my issues.

Well, does this mean I’m done? Is that what that feeling was? I grew, I learned, I accepted, and now I’m back to just analyzing the “us” and I’ve decided it’s a no? Or is this an oscillation in my growth; a small revert? Is this about him or about me? Isn’t closing your heart and getting upset always about your fears?

I guess I should feel this all the way out, “meditate” on it, and see what happens. Time for a sub-journey within the overall journey!