See Through The Flaws

The vital organs inside the body of Acceptance include understanding where someone is coming from. You must see through the flaws into the needs behind them. This is difficult if not impossible sometimes. At any given time, we can’t be so self-righteous as to think that we really know the needs behind someone’s flaws. But an exercise that at least dabbles in trying to figure it out opens up the mind and heart to understanding, and that is the whole point.

Let’s start off with some simple examples. Someone who seeks a lot of attention probably didn’t get enough attention as a child, has abandonment issues, or feels insecure in some way and requires external validation. Someone who is critical of others and abrasive was probably raised to measure life and success based on results, and is fighting a losing battle in their own life trying to measure-up on a never-ending quest for “more” – more power, more money, more possessions, more business, more [insert thing here]. They put the same standards on others, so their own inner-voice and inner-fears that drive them are generously bestowed upon those around them, as well, in order to light a fire under everyone else’s butt the way the voices motivate the person in question.

See where this is going? The point isn’t whether or not I’m right, though I think I’m not too far off the mark. The point is to make space in your mind and heart to understand and accept people who are “bad”, “mean”, “annoying” or anything else.

Okay, now let’s wade out into some deeper waters. Some of the topics that upset me. Let’s try to understand sluts, both male and female. Let’s start with female. This is probably related to external validation. As long as guys want her, she is “good enough”. The media shows her what she should look like and what she has to be, so as long as guys want her, she measures up. Maybe there’s a little bit of feeling powerful, when otherwise she would not feel very competent. Maybe she is naively hoping through her behaviors she will find true love, or maybe she even thinks each one is “the one” until the morning and soberness comes and she is left alone again. Now let’s move on to males. Obviously there is the whole biological aspect, but that’s secondary and not a true answer, in my opinion. This one is trickier for me. Again, the media has shown them what they are supposed to want. If the guy is a slut, that means girls are allowing it to happen, so the girls the guy is around are already damaged, and teaching him that all girls must be damaged in those ways. He’ll come to his own conclusions based on the actions of these girls. Of course he won’t know that their behavior is based on validation and insecurity—he’ll just conclude that girls are sex objects, because they are so willing to fulfill that mere role. This must also be external validation for the guy. It shows power and superiority in masculinity, which must mean he feels somewhat insecure in power and masculinity. He is probably also comparing himself to what he sees around him and in the media, and trying to measure up as a male, just as the girl slut is. Neither of them are mature enough to understand that they are using other people to prop themselves up. They are both desperately looking for their own pleasure and external validation, and they don’t see the psychological damage they are doing to themselves, because their unconscious knows better and is being tortured by their behavior and scarring them further. Sorry, got some judgments there at the end, but prior to that, I think that’s some good stuff to start with. Interesting. I wonder how much of that is true, and how much I completely made up.

The next, and very important part of this, is that it isn’t your job to fix people. This is like the warning label on a bottle. I’ll quote Sheldon Cooper and his mom from The Big Bang Theory:

Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Mary: Now you listen here. I've been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else but you can't go around pointing it out.

Sheldon: And why not?

Mary: Because people don't like it!

Not only is it not your job – not only could it be rude – but it could also be counter-productive. Everyone is on their own life path at their own pace. They may not be ready or able to truly see or learn whatever lesson you think they should learn. I’m so guilty of “going around pointing it out”, but usually my advice is at least half-welcomed by friends, and I’ve been trying to learn how to adjust my advice to the individual to help them realize things on their own with baby steps. Still trying to perfect that.

Who in your life has flaws that bug you? Can you see past it into the possible reasons for the flaws? Can you accept them with that knowledge?