Perfectionism

So I’ve talked about some of my painful areas already. Well, there’s another one that’s really just as big of a wound. That wound is feeling incompetent. Logically, I know I’m not incompetent, but I keep having to push for it and prove to myself and others that I’m not, and if anyone ever makes me feel even remotely stupid or incompetent, I get really upset.

I first want to point out that my parents only wanted what was best for me. They loved me and wanted me to succeed. They wanted me to take full advantage of all the opportunities I was given. That comes from a loving place.

This is how all that love got interpreted in my mind.

So I had the painful area of thinking I was fat and ugly when I was little. Then I became a teenager. Well I wasn't fat and ugly anymore, in fact I was quite pretty, but the damage had been done. I fought against the damage. I decided that I don't care. Being pretty doesn't matter; that's not what's important. Things you can control are important, like your actions. And therefore from then on I strived to be perfect in all my actions. Grades, life decisions... Whatever. I don't know why, but it felt like my mother didn't ever seem to see all the hard work I was putting in. She was trying to push me to be better, but all I heard was that my "all" wasn't enough. So then I was fat, ugly and stupid, too.

So at that point, anyone liking me was a miracle in my mind, because I was a completely worthless piece of crap. So anyone that said I was smart and pretty was going to feel like the love of my life. I was so broken. Thank goodness I found that support, because it helped me realize I wasn't crap; I was actually very special. I tried so hard at everything, and I was good. I followed the rules. I studied hard. But only one person seemed to be telling me I was good enough, so I clung to him. I had finally found someone who thought I was valuable.

As life went on, the next part of the damage revealed itself. Here I was, busting my butt to be worthy of love. And here is everyone else, not trying at all! Everyone else doesn't think before they act, doesn't follow the rules, and acts stupid and selfishly (same words I've been fighting against). So now, since I'm the only one even trying, I am the worthy one. No one else is. Now I have to show everyone else how to do things. This is where I've been for my entire adult life. Honestly, I'm still there now. But at least now I see it. I see the cause, I see the result, and I see that I'm wrong. I just don't understand why yet, and I have no valid thought process to replace it with. All these situations and books and experiences are showing me that I'm wrong. But... I haven't let go yet. I'm still in the world of extremes. So what makes someone worthy of love then? Nothing. Then why love one person over another? Why love at all? Why not love everyone? Then what's the point of a relationship? I can't fit it all in yet, so I'm not there yet. I see, but I don't get the point yet. I don't see how it all fits together. But I'm trying.

Anyways, so as I was growing up, my parents would try to do things for me when I was doing something wrong. I always hated that. I felt like they didn’t even give me a chance. And then the next time would come around, and I’d have no idea how to do it the way they wanted me to, and now I was afraid I’d screw it up again. And sure enough, I didn’t do something right, and they’d take over. They were obviously just trying to be helpful good parents, but it was crushing my self-esteem. They didn’t really teach me, they just took over and did it for me. That’s not even their fault. Sometimes teaching by example is good, but I have to learn through repetition, so if I get no repetition, I can’t get it.

This is why I’m a perfectionist. This is why I want to do everything myself. I have to prove my worth. Now I’ve done things myself. Now I’ve compared myself against others instead of against my parents, and I’m damn good. This is an area I can compete in, especially since no one else seems to give a crap. This is my Olympic Gold. I’ve taken what my parents wanted, and I’ve amplified it. So when people don’t understand what I’m trying to say, or miss the point, or try to help me with anything, I take offense. They are interfering with my game. They are taking away my power. They are telling me I am not good enough. They are telling me I’m too incompetent and stupid to do it myself. I can do it myself. I don’t need your help! That anger is worst when it is my parents, still trying to “help” in the same way. I start to boil.

So this is still out of fear. I decided to interpret my parents’ love as a crush to my self-esteem, and now I’ve damaged myself, and my poor friends who are just trying to be nice are getting attacked for it. I need to learn how to control that. I interpret everyone’s help as if they are insulting me, and that isn’t good. I need to figure out how to handle that in a more elegant way. I need to truly believe that I am competent, and then simply accept or deny help from a neutral place in my heart, instead of pushing it all away out of fear of looking weak. If I was truly confident in myself, it wouldn’t bother me so much. I should be confident in myself. Haven’t I proven it to myself? I’ve now been on two vacations all by myself; maybe people look up to me for how I live my life; I coordinate and plan just about everything in my life and everyone else’s life… I think I can calm down now. Trying to control and be perfect at everything isn’t the answer. I don’t need to do that. Sure, at some level those are great qualities and habits to have, but as always, it is about balance. Don’t make yourself sick doing it. It’ll all be okay.