Your Ego is Holding You Back

I began my soul-searching trip to Maui by reading The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. This book was such an eye-opener. I can’t even pretend to convey the depth of reality it taught me, but here are some of the first concepts I learned.

You know that voice inside your head? The one that thinks? The one that plans out your day, or worries about things, or tells you how stupid your last comment was? That isn’t really you. “You” are the observer that hears that voice. You are a spirit, a soul, a heart – and you can do nothing but love. But this voice… it was created by your ego. It claims it is protecting you. It thinks it is protecting you. But really it is just making you prone to fear.

Notice when that voice is talking, it won’t settle down until it finds a comfortable thought to rest on. That’s all it does… it tries to find a thought that is comfortable. It thinks, and thinks, and bothers you, and won’t shut up, until it finally finds a place where it can feel comfortable without pressing on your heart’s pains. I know I do this all the time. I have to wrap my mind around something and fit it into my framework. If it doesn’t fit into my framework of reality, and what I judge to be okay, then I reject it. I either think and think and think until I’m okay with something, or I cast it out of my life. I have to be comfortable.

Why do things bother you? Because it touches on a pain from your past. I think we all knew that, really, but most of us don’t know HOW much that has screwed us up. When you feel bothered, your ego is rejecting something. It won’t let it pass through you. It is protecting you based on past issues and painful areas. You’ve built your ego and your personality as a tool to keep you from getting hurt. This is not freedom. You are now a slave to all the things that bother you. Think about it – your WHOLE personality is built on your pains and fears. The voice in your head, the limits you place on yourself, the sadness you feel – it is ALL to “protect” you from things that can’t even really hurt you. Again: they CAN’T hurt you. So someone called you a horrible name. So what? They are judging you like they judge themselves; competing with you. They are saying, I declare to everyone that I am better than you! And why are they doing that? Because that is one of THEIR pains. They feel like they have to prove that. Don’t listen to them – they have their own issues. Do you think what they said is true? Well that’s exactly your problem! You’re letting them reinforce a negative thought you have of yourself. That is the kind of negative affirmation that keeps you locked up in a negative, destructive place. You have the ability to free yourself. Telling yourself you are fat, or stupid, or unsuccessful is just making sure that you feel comfortable not even TRYING. You are so scared to fail, that you’ve decided you’d rather not even TRY. And your negative voices in your head make sure you stay nice and cozy in that sentiment. Heaven forbid you actually DO something to prove that voice WRONG and then actually SUCCEED… can you even imagine??? Sometimes you even do! Sometimes your voice tells you that you can’t do something, and then you can. And yet you trust it the next day when it starts doubting and judging again?? Would you trust that voice if it were someone else’s?

Okay, here is some personal stuff now. This is how this applies to me. I hope you guys really appreciate me saying this, because I really don’t want to put it out there. Growing up, I was overweight and pretty unattractive. This was confirmed by classmates, parents, etc. in one way or another. When we are kids, we don’t even care about things until we suddenly become self-aware. Once we become self-aware, suddenly all those judgments stare us smack in the face. That same little girl that got put down by everyone remained in my head as the girl on the outside grew, blossomed, and then started to destroy herself. The thoughts of that little girl are the deepest, most embedded aspects of my personality, and everything else, from then on, was built to protect it from that pain. So when I was little, I wasn’t pretty. So I thought, “Well then, I don’t want to be pretty. I hate girlie things. I’m not even playing the ‘pretty’ game.” Some people play that game, and try to prove themselves… I took the opposite route. I decided I wanted out. I wasn’t even going to play. And aren’t we taught that it isn’t what is outside that matters – it is what is on the inside? What happened to that? So I decided I don’t want people who care about looks. Deep down, it was probably because I figured I wouldn’t measure up. I want someone who can love me for me – for the things I CAN control. And so I proceeded to be absolutely perfect at everything else, and became a complete perfectionist (more on this in a future blog post).

As the years went on, the deep meaning was lost. I wasn’t fat and unattractive anymore – I had boyfriends who really loved me and thought I was beautiful, and I lost a lot of weight. I sort of knew logically that it wasn’t really true anymore, but I still had the same voices in my head. I still decided not to compete – I hated girly things. I hated everything about it. So I started to become a tomboy. Girls wanted nothing to do with me, and guys would be my friend. So screw girls, I don’t want to be around girls. Guys and their interests are much better, anyway. You see how this is forming? I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to even TRY to be “pretty” and “girly” because deep down I believed I COULDN’T be. I believed it was a lost cause. And so everything after that built layer upon layer of hatred and disgust for everything related to girly pretty stuff. That’s why I hate the color pink so much, and stupid flowers and butterflies, and I don’t get along with girls as well, etc etc. And I hate to admit all that. In fact, I figured that can’t possibly be the case, because I grew to be very pretty. Granted in the last few years I gained some weight back, but I can lose that, and then be pretty. But being pretty doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. I’m not even wrong on that point – the problem is that I’m telling myself “being pretty doesn’t matter” to KEEP me from TRYING. Deep down I believe I will fail, so regardless of how true the belief is, the purpose of those thoughts is to keep me in a rut, because my ego believes I will never be pretty and never be in shape. I’m keeping MYSELF from attaining those goals. Again, wanting to be pretty and skinny is generally not a good desire to have, but there is a healthy balance – literally. Just be healthy. Love yourself for who you are, take care of your body and be healthy. I don’t eat much – haven’t since middle school. That is probably a deeply rooted result of these thoughts. I tend to like to punish myself for screwing up. Maybe that’s because of how I was raised, I don’t know. But I feel like I have to be perfect, and if I’m not, I need to be punished somehow. So I’m punishing my body for not being perfect, and by doing so, I’m keeping it from being perfect. And at the same time, I am holding myself down so that I don’t even truly believe or try to get in shape. My mind controls my hormones, which affect my health, so my mood is sabotaging all my efforts, because I don’t have faith in myself. Seriously -- a couple years ago I began a strict routine of exercising to burn 750 calories EVERY DAY and eating LESS than 750 calories a day, and I didn’t lose any weight. At first I figured, well maybe I’m replacing it with muscle. Yeah, for a bit, that may be what happened. But then I plateaued. At the same weight I started with. I did this for at least 4 months. It mathematically made no sense. My life at the time sucked, aside from all this. I didn’t do anything. No deep friendships, no activities, nothing. Then I finally found a dance studio and started taking classes, just a couple times a week (dance is one of my biggest passions in life). Pounds started flying off! Why? Because I was happy. I mean, that’s the only reason I can come up with. I even went to the doctor, and they couldn’t figure anything out. You have to be happy and have faith in yourself. It affects WAY more than you think it does.

What is your ego protecting you from? In other words, what dreams is your ego keeping you from?