Is Romantic Love Just a Band-Aid?

So let’s look at my relationships for a second. I’ve felt like it is fair to be with someone who thinks about life/relationships the same way I do. I might even think the way I do SO it will be fair to get someone who thinks the same way. Like I’ve earned it. Well why do I think that way? Has anyone ever loved me? Yes. Has it included my appearance? Yes. Was it just my appearance? No. Some even wanted to marry me. Most wanted me back after I left. And yes, I left when I decided they didn’t fit my standards. Which means, they didn’t prove to me that I wouldn’t get hurt.

I am nearly perfect, and yes, that included my appearance to some degree. I’m perfect because I share everything. Open and honest. Trustworthy. Considerate. Thoughtful. Understanding. Loving and compassionate. I make them feel safe and loved. I pacify their fears and make them feel good about themselves. All of this because I want someone to do the same for me. Because that’s how relationships are supposed to be. But what if I had no fears… Well then what’s the point of a relationship? What’s the point of a relationship if now it looks as though it is a band-aid on all your fears and pain? I was good at being a band-aid, and no one seemed to be a big enough band-aid for my huge wounds.

So then what is a relationship/love? What is its purpose? And what if I am all enlightened about it, and the person I’m with isn’t? Wait – no, that’s fear talking. But it is still true. I want someone to love me for the right reasons because it will be a pain in the butt if they like me for some stupid reason, and we get married, have kids, and then whatever dumb thing he liked disappears (a hobby, my sense of humor changes, my political views change, my music preferences change…) and then we go through a divorce because suddenly the “woman he loved” wasn’t there anymore, because he didn’t actually ever love ME, he just loved the company or the band-aid or something. That’s all pretty valid, I think.

I think none of this enlightenment stuff is saying “don’t have standards” – I think it is just saying you should understand where your standards are coming from, and get rid of or adjust the ones that aren’t completely legit. I want someone who isn’t completely obsessed with looks. Well, done automatically, because I’m not the hottest thing ever. I want someone who isn’t a complete slut, and can only be intimate with someone he is very close with and connected to. That’s valid enough. So here is some more uncomfortable personal stuff… Now what’s a healthy perspective on sex in the media and porn? Let me try to put away all my disgust, anger and hatred and just go with this for a second. Well, I guess don’t get mad because a guy has seen it ever, but watching it a lot and being obsessed is another story. The difference here is, maybe I need to let go of my hatred of porn simply for what it is, because that stems from me. However, it is still unhealthy to be obsessed and over indulgent in things like that, and to have it in your life routine. That seems like a healthy perspective. The concept of porn and sex in the media and stuff shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. Still, someone who is addicted to it and over indulges is still too screwed up for me, because they are chasing a false illusion of joy, love and pleasure. They are using it as a drug. They are a junkie. A junkie of any sort is not okay. You don’t want that in your life. Don’t hate or judge them, because they are simply chasing the illusion of a spiritual unconditional feeling of love (again, not the romantic kind). They are not making mistakes, they are simply misguided. Regardless, I don’t need to have that in my life.

Pretty solid, if I do say so myself. By no means am I AT that level of acceptance… but… at least I can identify it…

What’s interesting is connecting this to the concept of events and things passing through you. Events pass through you and others, and they only get blocked in you when they have some sort of connection associated with it. Since this stuff hurts me so much, I see it in everything. Because I have a painful connection, I can’t watch ANYTHING without getting ticked off at something sexual. And I figured everyone else saw it and was thinking all the horrible disgusting things I figured they were thinking. Yeah, a few people do. And they are vocal about it. I hear it, and it backs up my theory. But, not everyone does. And now looking back, I actually believe the people who told me they didn’t. I got mad at an ex for almost taking a picture at a rock concert because the girl singer was wearing a little nurse outfit, and I figured, of course you want to take a picture! She’s dressing up in sex fantasy clothes! Screw you! And I stormed off. He was so confused. He said he wasn’t thinking that way at all, and it was surprising that I was, based on how I hate stuff like that. I thought it was all B.S. at the time. But now, after reading in some of these books, I realize he may have been telling the truth. H may have had a really good point – that it was weird that I had noticed. I noticed because it gets blocked when it tries to pass through me. I’d get mad at other boyfriends for watching movies that had sex in it, and they’d say, “I don’t watch it for that,” and that was just an empty statement for me. So what? That just means you are okay with it. How dare you be okay with it! The events get blocked in my mind because I LOOK for things like that, because I’m constantly braced for pain. These guys have no connection to that stuff, so it just never occurs to them. I figured, yeah right, what guy sees that and isn’t thinking what I’m mad about? Well, maybe I’m wrong. Some guys would, I’m sure, but I think I now believe that that’s not a given. Maybe there is some deeper validity in what people have said to me. It is possible to NOT NOTICE those things.

So the question still remains – what is a relationship? If it isn’t supposed to be a band-aid on your fears, what is it?

I think maybe a relationship/love is supposed to be when someone helps you gently break down your walls and fears, without making you co-dependent. Someone who makes you confront your walls and fears and makes you walk right up to them and push through them, but not in a bull-in-a-china-shop kind of way – in a smoother way. They show you the other side, and that you don’t need the wall. And based on what I’m reading, the only hope of having a life-long relationship is if you continue to push each other to grow. Every day. Forever. Well, that’s depressing.

Okay here’s an alternate ending to that description. Your true love is someone who makes you grow the most, and you make him grow the most. And then eventually, you are just attached and the deep unconditional love pours through. Besides the growth, you are paired with compatible qualities that make forming a life and dividing and conquering your responsibilities easy enough to achieve, and you are able to continuously support one another and help each other grow through whatever obstacles come your way.

There, that added a bit of human element to it. Okay, so standards aren’t completely useless. The way the book reads, it makes it seem like they are saying there is no point in loving one person over another. In fact, I think it flat out says that. Love everyone unconditionally. You can’t love one person more than another. Okay, then. Love everyone. But perhaps one person has influenced your life more than anyone else. Perhaps one person has helped you grow, and you’ve helped him grow, and you can count on them to be there for you and push you through rough times when you start forgetting all your enlightened ideals. You can count on him to be your partner in a marriage and in a family, and vice versa. And I’m thinking you still want someone around your own level of “enlightenment”.

Well then, that really is almost exactly where I started, but it added some depth to it. However, now instead of having standards about proving a guy won’t touch your painful areas, the requirements are that the guy gently pushes you beyond your painful areas, while sensitive to them, and is then reliable in a human kind of way. Valid. Subtle change, but I like it.

What does a relationship mean to you?