Put Love In, Get Love Out

This post is just going to be an overall update on my implementation of all this acceptance and enlightenment I’m learning. I think I’m doing really well. I think I’m maybe 70% there. I still have some crazy feelings, but I’m able to acknowledge what they are, and quickly release those thoughts and talk myself out of the feelings.

When I think of my recent ex-boyfriend, the one I wrote about in my first post, I’m able to truly send him “love and light” and wishes for his happiness. If I start feeling the terror of wondering what he is doing and if he is doing things I wouldn’t like, I am able to see right through myself. I have this desire to be someone’s everything – their one and only love. I basically want them to obsess over me and never get over me. That’s horrible! I always knew that was wrong, but I really couldn’t talk myself out of those feelings before. Not completely. Now I get it. Now I believe myself when I tell myself that those feelings are wrong, because I know why I’m feeling them and why I don’t have to. I don’t even really want that. It is all just about me. I want to be important. I want to have touched someone’s life so deeply that they will never forget me. I just want to have mattered. I already know that I did matter, and I did touch his life. I know that. I don’t really wish to ruin someone’s life by having them pine over me forever, living a completely miserable life because they can’t have me. It is all just about me. And this guy is so special – he helps me bring out this selfless unconditional love within me. I really do want what is best for him. Whatever he does, even if I don’t like it, I just want him to be happy. However he has to find that happiness, whatever wrong turns he makes, I just hope he can continue living, continue growing and find the happiness he truly deserves. And he does deserve it, so much. I get really emotional thinking about him sometimes. He is such a sweet, caring, loving person, and he has touched my life so much, even in the short time he was in my life. I know I’ve helped him, and I’ve tried to make sure I didn’t leave any bad impressions on his soul. I tried to make sure I was always a positive force in his life, and I’d promised myself I’d leave if I started to not be. I did a good job. I’m really proud of how I handled the whole relationship. I always handled relationships really well, but with him, I just felt this extra feeling of wanting what is best for him, really early on.

Once we went to a concert where his favorite band was performing, and I was getting thrown around in the mosh pit and was miserable, and I decided it wasn’t fair for him to keep pushing people off me, and decided to just stand to the side, and let him have his moment. I told him (later) that “we” were possibly temporary, but he was always going to love that band, so he should have that moment without tainting it with worrying about me. And that was my genuine feeling about it. Most times even I would have ducked out because I was mad, and would have been mad if he didn’t come try to find me. And granted he took a little too long to come find me at the end, but I sucked it up, because that wasn’t the overall intention. I really did want him to have that moment. I really wasn’t trying to test him or something. It came from a genuine place.

So now when I start pondering scenarios about what he is doing now, I just stop, and remind myself that I know I was a positive force in his life, that I mattered, and now it is time for him to regroup and continue down his path to his own happy life. I can genuinely be happy for him. I feel the sadness a little, and miss him, but I just remind myself of everything, and I know he is on his way, and he has to do it on his own, make his own mistakes, and find his own path.

Well that was more than I meant to say on that topic. In addition to my ex, I’m finding it easier to converse with my parents. I think everyone has pent up mommy and daddy issues, and talking to them brings back all sorts of childhood insecurities and pain. Luckily, I’ve been able to sort through some of that, too. I can acknowledge that not only is how I’m perceiving what they sometimes say tainted by my own fears, but they are even saying what they are saying based on their own fears and judging based on how they judge themselves. I’m able to dust off the real message despite any thorns that I interpret, and see that everything is coming from a loving place. Again, I already knew all that and had tried it before, but now I actually believe myself. I always used to get stuck on people’s intentions. “Yeah, well they said that because they think I’m stupid, and I’m mad because they think I’m stupid. I’m not stupid! Let me explain to you why I’m not stupid! Stop wording things like I’m stupid!” Well, maybe they are, but who cares? Really I just felt that way so much that I built up this wall, so I hate comments that come up against my wall. And they just say things because they’ve feared that kind of stupidity in their own lives. It’s one of their fears that they are conveying. They may be projecting onto me. Either way, just ignore all that and see the message beyond it. “Take what resonates and leave the rest.” You can’t fix how people talk to you – you can only fix how you perceive it. But now I have ALL the tools to do that. I’m not just lying to myself “They don’t mean it that way” without anything to back that up with, when my mind has a truck load of evidence that says that they DO mean it that way. Now I’ve thrown out all the evidence. Finally! Such freedom!

I’m assuming sometime soon I will hit my current maximum, and I will topple over from my place of balance. Something will make me take a few steps back. This is a process, and I’m doing really well, but I’m not perfect. If that happens, I’m not worried. It happens. It’s all part of the journey. It will just be my time to grow.

Sorry if this offends anyone, but that’s why this way of looking at everything is so much better than believing in the commercialized definition of God. Events can break you down after a while, and you can lose faith in a loving all-powerful God, even if you don’t think he can come save everyone. I feel like there is always the possibility of losing faith if your life gets bad enough. With this other view, it is still spiritual, but no matter what happens, it isn’t a matter of losing faith. Things are going to happen, good and bad, and some of it you have no control over. God isn’t dispersing good and bad times based on merit. Life is happening in random ways. No all-powerful being has any influence over it. It is all in how you perceive it. You have the power. The love you bring to any situation is proportional to the love you get OUT of any situation. It may not even be a quick result. If a bunch of people you know die horrible deaths - that is a tragedy. If you spend time honoring their lives, comforting their families, giving to any causes or charities that may be applicable, that is a way to give love in that situation. And maybe down the line when you need support, others will remember. I’m not saying to be manipulative – I’m just saying, even when something horrible happens, you can still put love in and get love out. Or, you can put fear in and get fear out. You could just stay broken from that experience. You could decide to never care about people again, because people just die anyway. You could decide your life isn’t worth living without some of those people. Well, then you will get exactly what you’ve put out into the world. See, instead of giving God all the power, you give yourself the power. You always had it, all along. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Whatever tornado comes your way, you have the power to get yourself home. Remember that.

Bad things are going to happen. That’s okay – that’s life. When you don’t want to bring love to the table is exactly when you need to do it the most. Remember: Put love in, get love out. It’s up to you.