The Next Resistance Level

I guess life has decided that it is time for me to take this spiritual journey to the next level. I’ve been dealing with some major triggers and emotional walls lately. I’ve been hitting my max and crumbling apart, and I’m forced to call upon that new inner-strength to handle it the way I need to and to pull myself through it. For now, that means allowing myself to completely fall apart. That means giving myself permission to FEEL my FEELINGS without any shame. That means surrounding myself with nurturing, loving thoughts as I unleash my inner pain. Then, when the tears have washed away the reaction, I can get to work. Then I am ready to conquer whatever situation is before me.

They say the resistance is strongest right before you make a breakthrough. In that case, I guess I’m really close to a breakthrough, because I’ve been falling apart something AWFUL lately. It does come to an end and I do handle everything well afterwards, though. But damn, it is painful allowing myself to feel everything out. But it is WAY better than bottling it all up and letting it erupt during other completely unrelated interactions.

It’s weird – I feel weak but strong at the same time. I feel pathetic curling into a ball and sobbing like a little girl, but I NEED that right now. That’s what generally gets stuffed down and makes me REALLY angry and moody. I’d much rather be pathetic for a minute than angry for several days. While this is all happening, on its own timeline, I am still aware that as a whole this is a STRENGTH I am developing. I love analogies, so here is another one: Suppose there is a door you always go through that usually gets stuck. You learned that you have to push REALLY HARD to get it to open. Then one day, someone fixes the door. At first, you still push REALLY HARD expecting the same resistance, and you fly through the door and are a little disheveled and thrown off by the lack of effort that was necessary. That’s what is happening right now – my emotions are still pushing REALLY HARD because they are expecting me to bottle them up when they really want to get out. That’s why they feel so extreme right now. Eventually they will learn that they don’t have to push so hard, because I welcome them to the surface. That’s when I’ll stop curling into a ball and sobbing. Plus, I am so aware of how the reasons I’m getting upset are in my head and in my control. It triggers me nevertheless, but I can see it for what it is. So if I keep allowing my emotions to flow freely, they will be less extreme.

That’s why some people can’t understand being that “sensitive” – because they probably didn’t feel much shame about expressing their emotions, so they naturally got less and less, the way mine will now that I am not suppressing them anymore. But mine have built up pressure, so the pressure has to lessen. That’s just one generic possible reason, of course. Maybe some people channel their emotions, or they simply don’t care. Tons of explanations, but that one is a possibility to add into the mix that helps me when people attack me for being sensitive.

It’s upsetting that I still need at least one day by myself to blow off steam and shake off all the stress and obligations, but again, that isn’t going to be forever. I’m on the right path here. One thing at a time.