Mastering Your Emotions

When I get upset, I tend to let it snowball. The one thing triggers something bigger and gets my emotions flowing. Then everything else that I’ve been managing suddenly isn’t manageable anymore, and I start grasping at everything and it all becomes more and more problems. Suddenly the fact that I haven’t had time to myself in weeks, which I kept trying to affirm to myself was okay, is suddenly absolutely not okay. Suddenly my schedule which was just a little tight is now a complete panic. And suddenly everything around me has the veil removed, and I can no longer lie to myself that I’m okay with it all. Everything is crap. Everything. And I’m completely broken and angry inside.

Now I see what’s really happening, and I can work with myself to manage it.

In the past, I would get so frustrated with people when they asked me what was wrong. “Everything! It isn’t one thing, it is everything!” It ticked me off even more that people expected one single situation would get me that upset. Those thoughts easily merge into “No one understands me.”

As burned out as I am, and as bad as it got a couple days ago, I must admit I made some ground-breaking progress. I’d been working 10+ hour workdays, hardly getting any sleep, and I hadn’t had time to myself in weeks. In addition, I wanted to be there for my friend for his birthday adventures. I was working on not stressing about the timing and preparation involved for anything, and I did a decent job. But being on edge made it easier for me to crack at work, and I had a little situation where I took something really personally because it was one of my triggers. I knew it was happening and I knew it was in my head, but it triggered me nevertheless. In the moment, I was battling my ego. I was trying to stay calm because I knew it was a trigger, but my frustration came out a little. Not a lot. I took some deep breaths and expressed it was okay, and when I got a chance I went outside to get some air and calm down.

It was so frustrating, because I KNEW what was happening! Sure, maybe the situation was exactly as I was perceiving, but that’s not the point – the point is that, so what?? I knew it was just my perception, and by perceiving it that way and letting it get to me, it just makes matters worse. I KNOW this. But I’m human, and as much as I know better, my emotions are still going to creep up on me. The best I can do is exactly what I did, and with enough time I know they will lessen.

What had happened was a few of us were discussing something at work, and I guess people misunderstand my facial expressions and comments, because they start re-explaining things to me over and over that I already understood, so I look at them funny because I’m thinking “Why the hell are you explaining this to me again” but they take it as “She doesn’t understand what I’m saying – I should try again”. And it’s really insulting, because a trigger for me is people treating me like I’m an idiot and don’t understand something. And I know if I can just calmly express that we can move on, but I was on edge that day and I don’t quite have the wording down for that situation.

When I was outside, my co-worker found me and was sweet enough to try to apologize, but he was apologizing for the content of the discussion, which didn’t bother me at all, which is what he thought bothered me, and THAT was exactly what was annoying me. I had to explain it was the communication that was frustrating me, not the content of the discussion. But he said something really awesome. He said something like, “We’re not trying to make you understand, we’re just looking for your approval.” And I smiled SO big. What a different perspective! Unfortunately later the same kind of situation happened and he literally said he wants to make sure I understand, haha, BUT that isn’t always the case and now I have another perspective in my toolkit to help me get through those situations.

Again, I KNOW it is all in my head, and I know I have no reason to be upset. It just triggers me and I’m human so I can’t do much about that except to pamper myself and love myself through it until it bothers me less.

But wait – there’s more! So remember that my schedule was going to be tight after a 10 hour workday. In-between activities, I had a panic attack, made worse by people somewhat unexpectedly showing up when I was already late and stressing out, and in my mind the entire world came tumbling down around me and I literally just couldn’t handle it. I’m not proud of this, but my parents were stopping by to leave me more leftovers from Thanksgiving and do a couple things, but I had no idea when they are showing up and I’d told them I wouldn’t be there. I had wanted to take a nap before packing and gathering a bunch of stuff together in order to go out for my friend’s birthday, which part of me was dreading because I was so tired and mentally drained. So I can’t sleep because I’m stressing about being late and about my parents showing up while I’m napping, so I give up and drink a Red Bull. I try deep breathing while I’m getting ready but my heart is racing from the anxiety. I try to put on some music to take that high energy and channel it into something more pleasant. It doesn’t work too well, but maybe a little. Then my parents arrive and I couldn’t hear them so they let themselves in, which ticked me off. They come around looking for me and I say I don’t have time for them so they should do what they need to do and then leave. When I say I’m busy, they tend to want to ask me a bunch of questions about what I’m doing, which under the correct perspective is sweet, but when you are stressed out and busy, it is annoying as hell, because if I’m busy it means I don’t have time to chat with you. So they start asking why and what’s wrong, and I just scream I DON’T HAVE TIME. So they left and I just sat on my bed, shaking, and bawled. I just completely broke down. Complete anxiety attack.

All the emotions I was trying to manage and keep at bay just came flooding in. I was thinking that I really didn’t want to go anywhere, I just wanted to curl up in a ball, cry and go to bed. I kept telling myself not to do this – not to put my own agenda ahead of my friend who has been there for me so much. I can’t let him down. And none of this misery was real. I have the power to change it. It is just perception. I reminded myself to put all my priorities in order. It was his BIRTHDAY, for God’s sake. Put him first today. He deserves it. And I told myself do NOT, under any circumstance, complain about the crappy day you had. He does not deserve to have that weighing on him. It is not his fault, and it is only your own fault for letting these things get to you. I just kept reminding myself that absolutely nothing was actually wrong, and that I would enjoy going out and meeting some of his other friends. So I took the time to just sit and cry it out and then gather my strength again. And I did. I calmed down and the Red Bull kicked in, so I was good to go. And it was an AWESOME night. I also sent a text to my parents apologizing for yelling at them and explained I was frustrated and late and having an anxiety attack. So it all turned out okay! A happy ending!

The reason I want to share things like this is because I want to show how perception is everything, and how far I’ve come from defending my ego to acknowledging that these are just emotions and I know better than to identify with them and let them take over completely. Even though I’m disappointed that I still have these moments, that’s okay – I am human. We all are human. It is going to happen. It is how you handle it that counts, and it takes time to master your emotions. So while I had a human moment, I am still proud of myself for my determination to get through it and my humbleness to put others before myself, be it my friend or my parents, at least after the fact. Anyone can do this. YOU can do this. I probably sound completely crazy for how I was breaking down, but whatever, that’s the truth, and that’s why I needed this spiritual journey so badly. I was miserable. I’m so happy and lucky that life cracked me open enough to see that there was another way. It really is salvation. It really feels like the pathway to Heaven.

You have control over how things affect you. Don’t interpret that as an obligation, but as a freedom. It is completely natural to have emotional moments, but underneath that, build the foundation to know that you will get through it, and have the strength to shoulder your emotions while you find your balance again. You can do it!