The Reverse Golden Rule

As always, The Daily Love has been hitting on exactly the concepts I need to hear to turbo boost my realizations and growth. It’s funny how hearing the same old things when you’re at a slightly different mental space can bust open all sorts of doors.

I was really tense this weekend, so I decided to try to resolve it (duh). I wrote out everything and everyone that was stressing me out. 10 topics/people with multiple bullets under each one. I emptied out my mind on that pad of paper.

When I finished, I jotted down a little mini-realization: I have no one to confide in about all of this, so all of it comes out with anyone I talk to.

I try so hard to stay positive and choose Love over fear, but if people ask me about ME, well… negative things come out of my mouth. I don’t want to talk about myself in most of these interactions. At least about the stuff they ask about. I’m trying to get OUT of that mental space. Leave the stresses of work at work. Leave all the other stresses where they are and work through them as they come. So if others ask me about my life, what am I supposed to do? I’m not going to be fake and act like everything is butterflies and rainbows. I do point out how I know it’ll be fine, but I mean, that’s what I have to say. And heaven forbid people try to offer up suggestions. I hate that. I know that’s just me in how I perceive things, but it never fails to lock me into a cycle. I don’t like people giving me advice, because I see it as an insult. I already know how to solve my problem. And I HAVE to point out why their advice doesn’t even work. I’ve got it. I don’t need their help. I can complain while at the same time resolving my own problem. I just wanted to be heard and understood. I just wanted someone to care about my well-being. I don’t need their help - I just wanted their compassion so I wouldn’t feel alone in this. I thought that was the point of interactions with people?

Ugh, I know. That’s my own fault. Just makes me want to not talk to people in the first place. And there have been times when I’ve been like “Let’s not talk about me” but that gets people even more concerned and condescending. “Oooooh, what’s wrong? Oh I understand, well it will be okay <insert sickening cliché here>.” UGH that annoys me so much more. Then I just bust open and explain it all angrily. No, you don’t understand! It will not be okay! Oh wait, yeah it will, I don’t need your help!! Haha. Funny how we all have some weird counterintuitive habits sometimes. It does make sense though. All our past fears bumping up against each other. I see that. It isn’t a mystery. I understand why that happens.

I went way off topic there. Anyways, so yeah, boo hoo, I have no real friends. Well, define “friends”. I’ll define what I want and need from a friend, if I can even put it into words… A fellow-soul. Someone with the same concepts and values as me, and many of the same interests. Someone who gets what I’m saying without me having to take an hour explaining it to them and arguing with them until they finally get it, sort of, at which point I’m exhausted and ticked off from the conversation, and at which point they will probably try to give me advice that we already know I DON’T want. Someone who shares my desire for personal growth. Someone who values my wisdom and intelligence and does not EVER talk down to me. Someone I can talk to and/or hang out with multiple times a week. Someone I feel safe and free around. Someone who doesn’t annoy me by their values and actions (meaning they have questionable morals and self-control). Someone I know genuinely cares and is interested in how I feel and what I have to say. Honestly they are essentially the same standards I have for a boyfriend. It’s all one in the same, really. Just someone, anyone, who fits all this.

Oh, just all of that, huh? Well no WONDER I have no friends, right? That’s exactly the problem. I have all these requirements and standards. That’s all I SEE when I’m with people – the PROBLEMS. How they don’t measure up. Yeah, I know. I get it. I have to work through my need to be heard, understood and cared about. As sick as it sounds, I have to realize I don’t need it. I don’t need others to understand me. I don’t need them to hear me or to get me. I don’t need people to care about me. Note that this is not a “Screw it! I don’t need anyone!” That’s different. This is saying “I am enough. I truly don’t need anyone to care about me.” I need to care about myself, and that will be enough. And that’s the thing - I struggle with that. I deserve to be cared about, but it has to come from within. When it comes to stress and issues and all of that, I have to remember to love myself. I already love myself in a lot of ways, but these are the areas that I’ve abandoned myself, and I can’t do that. And it’s not just when I’m with people that I only see problems – I only see problems when I look at myself. People judge others how they judge themselves. I won’t get into why I think that is. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I just have to know that I ended up living that perception, and it needs to stop. OBVIOUSLY my health will be all screwed up if I see nothing but stress and problems in the world and in myself.

I feel like this was one of the very first realizations I made, and yet here I am, back again. It feels different, though. It feels like a second coat of paint. It still feels like I’m building and progressing, even if they are old topics. It’s a way of life, anyway. This path isn’t just something you arrive at and then just sit there forever. You have to keep working at it. The awareness makes all the difference. All my life I could have told you I see the problems in everything, but then I’d tell you that there ARE problems in everything, so why bother lying to myself and pretending like there aren’t any? That’s what I would have said, and I would have missed the point. That’s the difference between then and now. Now I get it. It’s a perception, and there is more to EVERYTHING than the problems, and the problems don’t even MEAN anything. The problems are solvable. The problems are fears and mere obstacles that can be overcome. They are not as daunting as I once thought. They are not as powerful or severe as I once thought. They are not as scary or frustrating. They don’t deserve more attention than the good things. I couldn’t ever even SEE good things before. Now I can. Even if I can’t, I know they are there. I see obstacles as vehicles for growth; I see people and even difficult relationships as teachers on my journey; I see the beauty and innocence in everything and everyone. Well, I guess the last one is the one I need to work on most. I at least get that it is there, and at times I can make myself see it. Once I get that – I mean, that’ll be the meat and potatoes of this whole journey. To see that in others – and I guess in myself, too.

So what can we take away from this “little” rant? Self-love and self-approval is enough. You don’t need it from others. You don’t NEED others to understand you or care about you. You may want it, but you do not in fact need it. It means nothing if it doesn’t come from within you. You have to know that you deserve it and you have to love yourself like you would love someone else. Care for yourself the way you’d care for someone else. It’s like the opposite of the Golden Rule – Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. And then of course, as you care about yourself, and as you care about others, more people will care about you. You just can’t expect it or wait around for it. It’s just a pleasant byproduct, but you don’t need it. All you need is your own self-love.