Make New Friends, But Keep The Old

I made such a small but powerful realization today. Here I am, working on my personal/spiritual growth, thinking deep down, “Now all I have to do is make some friends…”

Why do I keep thinking I have to start from scratch?? Why don’t I try to reconnect with people from my past who I know and like that just slipped away due to graduation and location changes? Why don’t I go visit them and work on THOSE relationships instead of focusing completely on making new ones?

I let them slip away because I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people. That’s because I always feel like no one wants to hear from me. I leave it to THEM to contact ME because I don’t feel WORTHY of their attention or time. I don’t want to bother them. I figure they didn’t care much about me anyway, and their silence just further proves that point.

Now I know better. Now I have the confidence and awareness that I lacked back then. Now I understand that people aren’t just going to randomly line-up at my door TRYING, BEGGING to be my friend, and that that’s OKAY. That’s not how things WORK. For starters, I had such a “woe is me, no one understands me, no one cares about me” attitude that… guess what… they may have sensed it! I was a sweet, fun girl and all, but that kind of attitude is just not worth the effort. Honestly I have no idea how they perceived me –that (the “woe is me” stuff) is not what I ever heard back through the grapevine, but who knows. Who cares. I need to reach out. I can’t always wait for others to reach out to me. I can’t always deny myself everything. I need to act and to bring abundance to me by GIVING the abundance of my love and attention that I WANT to give and am just afraid to.

So I’ve started. I’ve started contacting people I used to know and like very much, and I’m reaching out to them to see if they’d like to catch-up.

I need to prepare myself for the fact that they may not want to. This is a huge step for me in my personal growth, but just because I take the correct steps does not mean I get the outcome I desire. As I finish writing this post, it has been half a dozen hours or more since I sent out my 5 texts with only one response. Maybe they think it’s weird to hear from me. Maybe they think I want something from them. Or maybe they are just busy at the moment. Either way, I have to remain strong through this. This is exactly what I feared. But this is the correct, fulfilling and loving way to live, and I can’t attach myself to the outcome of this action. I genuinely would love to catch up with everyone I contacted. I miss them. But sometimes it just isn’t in the cards. Either way, I have to not get discouraged or sad. I have to not tell myself, “See? I was right. They didn’t care about me and they didn’t want anything to do with me.” I have to remind myself not to feel that way, because it just brings back the old feelings and old habits. What I’m doing is right, and is authentic, and if they don’t respond, that is okay. I did my best. I can move forward with an open heart and make room for new relationships, and I can know that I didn’t completely neglect the old ones. Even if I was late, it was better than never, and it comes from a genuine place. That’s all you can do. I have to love and support myself and remember that this is all a journey. I am making progress and this way of life will benefit me and others. That’s all that matters. I matter, I am worthy of love, and it will be okay, regardless.