Handling Criticism

I was just called submissive.

I’ll give the story later and the context, but since I usually desperately try to point out the context to disprove whatever upsetting thing happened, I’m not going to do that this time. I’m going to jump right into how I’m processing this information.

Granted, at first I got defensive. Heart rate was up a little bit. But take what resonates and leave the rest, right? So I’m going to understand the context and that it is not a “label” I fit - definitely not. I don’t even need to get defensive about that. But in the context of that accusation, I can see where the accuser is coming from, so let’s get right down to it.

At work, I could stand to have a bit more confidence in my capabilities. I grew up doubting myself as far as practical skills go, and although I’ve gotten a lot better at speaking with authority and everything, there is still room for improvement. I’d already learned that if I don’t know something, instead of just saying “I don’t know”, I could say, “I can get back to you on that.” But that’s still admitting you don’t know something. I’m not going to go to the extreme that my opposites do and just declare things as fact that aren’t, or dance around the question for so long that no one remembers there was a question. I hate that and I won’t do it. But I could word it differently. More dominantly. I could say something like, “There are many options, and I’m currently validating one procedure. I will get back to you with the results,” (If that is true). This example is all vague and generic, but shows a strategy I could use. Things like what I just quoted are usually true, and we don’t even think to say it. Or at least I don’t. I tend to be too humble sometimes, and others have pointed out that I know more than I let on in cases like that. It’s just that, I know exactly what the other person is saying, and I know that I don’t have the exact answer. But that’s not the whole story. I know a whole lot surrounding the question, and I know exactly what I need to look at to find the answer, so maybe I do need to dance around the question a little, because maybe that would even answer the question… Maybe they don’t need the detail that I think they want… In fact, I did do that the other day, without really meaning to. I started talking about everything I did know around the topic, somewhat forgot the question, and then asked if that answered their question, and they said yes. So, there you go!

I have a lot of confidence, sometimes even arrogance, but there are definitely some areas where I don’t. Either I straight up don’t have the confidence in that area, or I just don’t have quite enough and so I don’t project like I am confident, even though I am to an extent.

What’s worse is when those around me are super loud and confident. As I’ve written about before, I have issues getting a word in edge-wise. I have made SOOOOOO much progress, but now I’ve reached the step where, now that I can actually get some words in, I need to adjust the words such that I don’t come off as submissive or lacking in confidence. Honestly, this last time I was just trying to balance out how aggressive the other person on my side was, but yeah, I get it. I don’t know how to word things differently yet I guess, but I can see it. The next step in the process; the next piece in the puzzle. I have to know that this is just more feedback to process. I know the accusation is biased and only applies to certain encounters, and I can see where they are coming from, though I don’t see it as “submissive” I see it as collaborative, polite and humble. I don’t agree with their wording, but I get the point. Or rather, I can look beyond the accusation to see a larger point. I need to find a balance somewhere in there. I need to know that I can project confidence and still be polite and humble. I need to come from a place of confidence (and not of defensiveness!) to answer a question by saying what I DO know that is applicable. I thought I was! Well, I was, but time to crank it up another notch! Time to get even better!

Whew, this was a little mentally exhausting. But I didn’t let the comment upset me, which is so cool. It stirred me a tiny bit but it didn’t upset me. I was quickly able to remember that people have their own perspectives, and I put the comment in its place. I saw where it was coming from and that I didn’t need to feel bad because it wasn’t “true”, it was just someone’s perspective based on their own thought patterns based on a specific context. I was able to take what resonates and ignore the rest. I don’t even agree with the person, but I can still see their point and use their advice to my advantage.

If I can keep that up, that will be amazing… I will be so badass…