Saturday, March 1, 2014

Wake-Up Call on Health

I’m overwhelmed. I feel like the honeymoon with this spiritual awakening is over, and the real work has begun. I’ve made so much progress in dealing with my perspective on daily challenges, but now the Uni-verse knows I’m ready for the next level, and it has definitely been hitting me with obstacle after obstacle.

I know everything will be okay, and I know I can handle anything that’s thrown at me. But it doesn’t keep me from getting overwhelmed, it just keeps me from letting it completely depress me and make me feel like a failure. But it sure is trying.

I wrote about a month ago about the triple emergency that I handled pretty gracefully, and then it started catching up to me a couple days later, but then I pulled it together and moved forward.

I feel like lately has been Level 2 of that. I’ve had so much going on, and so many high priority items to the point where I am running around, missing work to get everything done and then making up hours, doing emotionally exhausting tasks… and I’ve been doing a damn good job. But you remember my New Year’s Resolution to treat my body better? With respect and kindness? That is SO HARD when you have 20 million things to do. I know how the Uni-verse works – you ask for something, and it makes it harder to achieve in order to FORCE you to TRULY make it a priority. The Uni-verse is like, you want to treat your body better? You want to make that a priority? Really? Let’s see about that! And when push came to shove, I couldn’t do it. Work and obligations and emergencies came ahead of my health. My body has been suffering, and now I’ve really injured myself, to the point where it hurts to move.

It’s quite overwhelming. I feel helpless. I feel like I’ve been slapped with a reality check. My health is deteriorating. Somehow I’ve gained 12 more pounds since the beginning of the year. I DO NOT EAT ENOUGH CALORIES TO BE GAINING WEIGHT, LET ALONE THAT MUCH WEIGHT. Something is wrong. My acne is not going away. I haven’t been taking my Vitamin D. I quit coffee before, but now I’m drinking it again. I’m a mess. My career work is fantastic, but my health and my life is a mess. A complete mess. And I think I’ve gotten to the point where I know I can’t help myself with this one. I need help. First I need to heal my back, but then I seriously need to get a nutritionist and a personal trainer and I need to make this a priority. Let them figure out why it isn’t working. I don’t have the knowledge. And something is going to have to give, and I don’t even HAVE anything that CAN give – I’m dragging myself through the day, and my house is a mess… work and cleaning my house are the only things that CAN give. I don’t know.

“Make it work. Find a way.” That’s been my motto lately, and it will have to be for this, too. It isn’t anything I can’t handle. The good news is that I am completely capable of handling this stress. I have the right mental attitude and spiritual awareness to deal with all of this. It is a LOT and I have a lot of emotions, but I know I can handle it, and I know these challenges are only making me stronger. I know all the health issues I’m having are temporary, and I can still come back from them. I do know that deep down, and it helps push me through these rough times.

It’s hard to admit you need help. Coincidentally, that was one of Mastin’s posts this week, too. But I need help with my health. I really really don’t understand what I’m doing SO wrong that has given me all these problems. It’s not the same problems other people have – the problems you see on tv specials and as guests on talk shows. I don’t eat junk food. I don’t go to food for comfort. I eat HEALTHY. Chicken vegetables, low fat oatmeal and eggs… salads sometimes…  Every once in a while I’ll have soup or chili or a sandwich or pasta, but it is mostly the same. And I keep starting a routine of doing push-ups or yoga or something every morning, but it just goes out the window, because I can’t sleep so I get up late and then the cycle just continues all week. I need help managing this. Obviously whatever I’ve tried to do on my own isn’t working.

For some reason, I hate admitting problems that I have. I know that’s common. And I know I don’t need to feel so awkward about it. But I love to help others with their problems, I like showing that I have my stuff together, and I DO know how to handle my issues and what the issues are. So when I express the problems to someone, I hear myself speak and I start thinking “Wait wait wait, this sounds like I don’t know/understand XYZ… I’m making myself sound like a whiny selfish idiot.” And I hate getting advice. I hate it. I know how and why I have my problems, and no one else’s advice is going to help. I know what I need to do, and I’m doing it. Just support me where I am, because I’ve GOT it!!

But not this time, which is even more emasculating. I know what’s NOT my problem, but I have no idea what IS my problem. And maybe I’ll have to humor the professionals and run through all the basics to rule them out, and I’m going to have to be a good sport and do it and not get upset about it.

Writing this helps. The entire month of February has been a mess, and I'm so happy I have time to sit down and write now. It was so busy and hectic, and so many different things were going on. Not all bad – but still busy. I know how the Uni-verse works now, and I know how to look at things to make me stronger instead of feeling like a victim. I get it. And at the same time, I know I need to let myself feel my feelings so I can get to the other side of them. So I let myself burst into tears several times today, because that’s how I was feeling. And I shouldn’t be ashamed. That’s how I feel. I know I can handle everything. But I’m also human, and it is also a lot. But this entire experience is good. The Uni-verse keeps giving me bigger and bigger problems so I can push through them and show myself how strong and capable I am. And I’m slowly able to feel appreciative instead of defensive when I hear about others having much worse problems. I don’t feel like I need to defend or punish myself anymore.

Speaking of punishing myself, I wonder if that’s why I suck at treating my body well. All the guilt issues may be why I seem to completely reject taking care of my body (for example, Vitamin D). That needs to stop, and I’m going to work very hard at it. It became a habit, but I won’t stand for it any longer. This is ridiculous. I should not be having all these problems. I know better. I know better than to be stressed out and to neglect my health and body. This is going to change. Mark my words, this is going to change, right now.

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