When We Get What We Want

We often dedicate our lives to trying to prove ourselves in some way. Some say it is a problem young people have. We must prove that we are smart enough, wise enough, brave enough, etc. We try to be the best, and we never seem to feel we get the recognition we deserve, which fuels the desire to fill that hole in our hearts. In some cases, it makes us doubt ourselves and gives us motivation to try even harder than ever to prove our worth to the world, when really we are having trouble proving it to ourselves.

I seem to be getting the acknowledgement I’ve always longed for. It feels strange. I don’t know what to do with the feelings it brings up in me.

I feel as though the Universe is proving a point: Stop trying to prove yourself! You already have! And what’s more, you don’t ever need to!

It has really been an emotional week. I’ve gotten acknowledgment at work, from my parents, from the Daily Love and from my friends. The acknowledgment is in all the areas I needed to hear: I have the approval of my parents; My work is being complimented and called upon at my job; My Daily Love comment was wise and inspiring; I’ve truly helped and inspired my friends. It’s almost like a dream. It makes me very emotional. The things I’ve been trying so hard to do and be have finally gained that external validation that forces the ego in me to have nothing to say. I heard some beautiful words in my dance classes, as well, reinforcing that I am the confident, strong, independent woman I always wanted to be.

Having these beautiful sentiments expressed to me has given me irrefutable proof that I should love myself. In the land of the ego, this is what it craves, and here it is in my possession. Even in the most external and critical space, the space of the ego, I have nothing to cling to for justified self-hatred. I am now FORCED to allow in those feelings that are actually quite awkward – loving myself and being proud of myself. It’s like being thrown into an old-fashioned Ball where I don’t know anyone, and I’m intimidated, and yet everyone is just going about their business, being kind to me but not really putting much attention into me. It’s not a big deal. It’s not as terrifying as I feared. Loving myself doesn’t cause the skies to open and demons to crawl across the earth, nor does it cause angels to sing and unicorns to prance about. It just peacefully happens and goes about its business.

I’ve definitely noticed a confidence about myself lately that wasn’t there before. If I screw something up, I don’t get incredibly self-conscious. For example, I was talking and distracted, which led me to put the signed copy of a receipt in my purse and the guest copy on the table. I noticed it right away and swapped them back, giggling at myself. Normally I would have been mortified! I would have been so extremely self-critical, calling myself a complete idiot and being totally ashamed for such a stupid act. But this time it just didn’t affect me. This does WONDERS when I am speaking at work. I have gotten SO much better at expressing myself, interjecting opinions, praising others and accepting criticism. I have faith in myself, my opinions, my work and my ideas, so nothing can really upset me anymore. Occasionally I get a twinge of frustration and a sense of emergency, but I’m able to come to my senses and deal with it one step at a time. If you’ve read any of my blogs from a few months ago, you’ll know this is a COMPLETE 180 – I was having a HORRIBLE time with communication issues and taking (and giving) things way too personally. What’s fantastic is that through this process, I’ve taken some of my co-workers with me. Everyone is MUCH better at giving and receiving input. It is like night and day. I’m sure there will be situations that test our resolve, but it really is so much more enjoyable when you don’t view everything as an attack on a wounded place in your soul.

Life is so much more enjoyable when you don’t view everything as an attack on a wounded place in your soul.

I think one of the problems I have with all the recognition and compliments I’ve been getting is that I feel like it is selfish. However, as I try to work through that emotion, beneath it is a deep sense of gratitude. I feel so grateful to be surrounded by people who see me. Finally! I know it shouldn’t be important what people think, but I also believe that we learn lessons one at a time, in whatever order we need to. The Universe has decided that I need to get recognition before I learn that I don’t need it. Perhaps even to SEE that I don’t need it. But I shouldn’t shame myself out of fully processing this beautiful moment of recognition and gratitude. I really do feel proud of myself, because it is almost as if right now is the reward for everything I’ve worked so hard on. I’ve just never had a moment where I really was forced to sit back and take it all in. There was always something else that had to be done. This time, it feels like a pause in the routine of life, which allows the feeling to build up to its fullest capacity.

This is the feeling we should all have for ourselves at all times. This feeling of great pride and gratitude should fill our hearts each day. Once we’ve felt it and know what it is, we need to keep reminding ourselves on the deep peace that always resides in our soul, and is simply clouded by our external circumstances and the voices of others. We can’t be our best unless we are in touch with that inner peace. Others may try to bring you down, but you must always, as Mastin says, “Take what resonates and leave the rest.” Don’t let it destroy your peace. Don’t let it knock you off balance.