Let it All Out

It’s funny how I never even knew I was suppressing my own interests and opinions. It’s funny how I told myself I was being “polite”, “professional” and “mature”. First of all, there’s nothing “immature” about my… well anything that I’ve been suppressing. You could argue my interest in black, leather, skulls and studs is childish… but really I just never let it evolve into a more mature version of itself. I snuffed it out back when it was still young, so of course I have a deep yearning to go back to where left off. I just have to let it naturally progress. Now that I am, I see it turning into something age-appropriate. While I’m suppressing it, deep down I think I want what I wanted before. But once I allow myself to have those feelings, I realize that isn’t actually what I wanted – I realize that I do want a more mature, toned-down version of it. So really I was just tormenting myself by assuming I wanted something foolish that wasn’t even true. So now I’m indulging myself. I’ll take that skull studded purse. I’ll parade it around, and to hell with anyone who says anything. I ENJOY it, and I will allow myself to enjoy it until it no longer pleases me.

Same with opinions and ideas. Same with asserting myself. I need to get everything OUT before I can sort it out. I’m not doing anyone a service by being as “polite” as I’ve been. Don’t hold back to spare someone’s feelings – just don’t present it in a hurtful way. Doesn’t mean you have to NOT say it. Doesn’t mean you have to sit back and let the people who talk a lot take over the conversation. And sure, it may be a mess at first. Maybe it will come out wrong, or it will be awkward. It’s going to have to happen that way. I have to shake off all the cobwebs and unleash all the tension and have all the fights they cause in order to move forward. And you know what, I can handle it.

I had a little freak out this past week. I handled things maturely in the moment – I knew not to take things personally, so I let it slide. But I tend to reflect on things, which means it weighs on me and leaves me upset later. I knew I needed some time to work through it, but that wasn’t really possible, or so I thought. So it just built up, and more got added to it, and I flipped out, and so did the other side. Here’s what I learned from it. First of all, what the other side said back did not affect me. Accusations were made at me, and it rolled right off when normally it would have stung. Second, I took some time to myself and I allowed myself to feel my feelings. Normally I don’t let myself do that – I feel like I’m not allowed to, a) because I don’t matter and b) because I’m supposed to be “strong” and “get over it”. But I know how this stuff works now. I know I’ll pick myself up, brush it off and move on. But I gave myself permission to feel hurt, and I cared about my own feelings. They matter. And what’s more is that I didn’t feel the additional loneliness that no one else was around to comfort me or care. I didn’t need that. I cared about MYSELF. I knew it was a temporary feeling, so I just let myself go through it, knowing that afterwards I would leave it behind me and go on even stronger and clearer than before. So I didn’t add the anger and frustration of suppressing it into the mix. It was REALLY healthy, and I could feel it. Of course I didn’t handle everything completely gracefully, but it was some miraculous growth from the mess and knot of feelings I usually have in those situations.

You can’t work on things until you let them out into the open. You can’t work on things while you’re denying they are even there. You can’t work on things with your head in the sand. So I’m letting it all out. Some things are easier than others, but I’m working to let it all out, and it feels fantastic. It feels authentic. It feels like I’m actually making myself, my life and my feelings a priority. It is AWESOME!