You can’t help the world until you take care of yourself.
You can’t bypass that part, because until then, you’re just reacting based on
your own fears and judgments. It’s about you, and not about the world. Even
when you are doing the right thing, it is for the wrong reasons. All the more
reason for me to stop trying to figure out what my calling is and get working
on it – I’m still helping myself right now.
My mind isn’t clear enough to be genuine, as much as I
want to be. And sure, maybe what I currently think it is will be it, but
everything is too cloudy for me to be sure and to see how. It’s not my
responsibility to fix everyone. It’s not my responsibility to show everyone
their wounds and help them heal them, at least not right now. It is, however, my responsibility to fix
myself and love myself, so that one day I can be fully prepared to devote
myself to something that WILL help others. At that point, no one will be able
to intimidate me or talk me out of it. No one. I’ll be at peace with myself,
and confident, and will have no more fears or judgments that they can exploit.
I know I have tons of them right now, but that’s okay. I’m getting there. It
just takes time.
I have to gain the confidence in myself and my decisions
such that name-calling and "logical" explanations don’t cloud the truth
within me. Any clever person can create a logical explanation for or against
something. If my life path strays away from everything I’ve ever been taught, I
have to have the confidence to stand by it instead of shrinking to the insults
and fake pity I may get from others. That’s always a huge thing for me. I hate
that. I can’t handle that. So I follow what I have to do to avoid it. But that
can’t be my driving force. The fear of being called stupid, spoiled and
irresponsible cannot be the driving force for why I do what I do. I won’t let
people, no matter how important they are to me, blackmail me into living a life
that makes sense to them and makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and
leaves me empty, lifeless and purposeless. I’d be denying my own happiness, my own
gifts and my calling. I’m not being of service to ANYONE if I am angry and
miserable inside. I’m not being of service to anyone if I don’t use my absolute
best talents, no matter how socially accepted they are.
And here’s the thing – not everyone has the same
passions. Some people do dream of being scientists and making discoveries. If
everyone followed their dreams, we wouldn’t become a world of hippies – we’d
have the best of the best working on EVERYTHING. True passion for their work.
And in this day and age, I think a lot more people need the emotional help that
I can give. Everyone can see the damage of mental illness these days. Maybe I’ll be able to
help with that. You definitely can’t say that’s being an irresponsible hippie –
that’s literally saving lives.
I need to focus on trusting and loving myself right now. I need to
make sure I am my biggest cheerleader, no matter what. I need to care for
myself and take time away from stressful things when I need it, and then get back up on
my feet when I need to. I need to stop feeling negative things about myself. I
need to stop identifying with whatever situation is in front of me. I need to
give myself the freedom to exist beyond whatever is happening right now, and beyond
whatever the important people in my life think is the “right” way to be.
It’s time.
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