Setbacks

Honesty and authenticity are very important to me. That’s why I’ve decided to also post when I feel like I’m having setbacks. It happens to all of us. As long as we don’t let it paralyze us, it is okay and natural. We just have to listen and learn from the setbacks.

The setbacks I’m having are simply thoughts. Negative thoughts slipped back in. Not even to specific people, just an overall general thought. A voice that says, “Why should I accept people who go against their own moral code? I can dislike people for being bad. I should! What’s the point of all this? This isn’t going to change who I accept as far as a future husband. My standards are still going to be the same.”

Now it’s time to reason with that inner voice; take those negative feelings and remind myself why I’m doing this, and how I’m not jeopardizing my own morals and values by doing this.

For starters, the point isn’t to be okay with people behaving badly. The point is to accept it and not let it personally affect me; to separate it from myself. If I can have some influence over it, like giving advice to a friend, that’s fine. If I can’t, I need to be able to not get upset about it. Sometimes during this process I start confusing accepting and approving people’s behaviors. Acceptance in this way is a very hard thing to learn on its own, because, at least at first, it feels so similar to condoning and being “okay” with something, and that I cannot and will not do. That’s even been my own personal definition of “acceptance”, I think. The difference here is what I’m accepting exactly. I’m not approving of their actions. I simply need to understand their actions based on their life experiences that made them into who they are. Based on that life, I should understand those actions, because there must be needs and deficits that the person is trying to fill, and their actions are leading them down a road that they think will provide them. I don’t need to approve – I just need to understand.

The last part of what my inner voice said shouldn’t even be relevant. Yes, I’m hoping that this process will adjust my perspective such that someone in the world can be good enough for me to marry, but that is way down the line. That has no bearing on this process. This needs to be done regardless, and I’m sure it will help a little bit, at least. My standards don’t have to change. It would actually just change how I match people up against my standards. (As a side note, sometimes people say “standards” and they mean things such as whether they have a clean house, whether they make a lot of money, whether they like dogs or rock music. That’s not what my standards are. My standards are all about character; what type of person they are; the decisions they make; and how they view people, girls, relationships, etc. I find everything else to be pretty superficial and irrelevant in the long-run.)

Hardships are always opportunities for growth. They make you stronger and more capable. I think I just got worried that I was losing myself and wasn’t going to get anything out of it. That’s a fair fear to have, but that isn’t going to happen. This is only going to make me better. This will have positive consequences for me and others. Understanding my fear and convincing myself out of it with truths has helped me strengthen my resolve.

What can you learn from your hardships? How can you use the truth to talk yourself out of your fears?