I have a new sense of excitement and hope these days. I’m
once again acknowledging that I am an artistic and creative person, and I’m
finally giving myself full permission to pursue all aspects of that. I feel
like although I loved dance, art and music, I grew up thinking those were silly
hobbies, not anything someone could make a living at. I went into engineering
instead, since that’s what “smart, mature and responsible people do”. While
there are some real truths behind the financial aspects of making a living in
those fields, I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking those things
were a waste of time or not a priority. Only one in a million make it in those
areas, because they are amazingly good, and the odds were way against me. That’s
what society and caring parents teach kids, right? Forget all that silly stuff
and go for something practical so you can afford a house, food, etc.
Okay, well I’ve done all that. Now it’s time to be happy –
to make happiness a priority. To fulfill my purpose.
Sometimes I catch myself starting to feel regret,
thinking I should have followed my dreams and not gone down the road I did. But
for starters, I didn’t even know WHAT I wanted as far as dreams - I just knew I
wanted it to be more artistic and creative. And second… everything happens in
preparation for your purpose. I wouldn’t be where I am today without everything
I went through. I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve enjoyed the progression of my
career. I’ll bet you anything that everything I’ve done and learned will play a
significant role when I’m finally living my purpose. It had to be the way it
was – now it’s time to be the way it needs to be NOW.
Now I have to undo all the damage and search really hard
within myself to start brushing away all the insecurities and judgments I have.
My inability to express myself is PAINFULLY obvious to me now. I’ve sucked up
all my emotions because I feel like no one cares or I’m not allowed to feel
happiness or even sadness, so I’m working to fix that. That actually sounds
funny looking at it… not allowed to be happy OR sad? Wow, quite the dilemma.
My social skills are much better than they were, but
still leave much to be desired, because I still don’t know how best to react to
things. Be supportive because I care even though I disagree, or timidly
disagree because I do but I don’t want to be mean, or just flat out disagree
and potentially start an argu… I mean, “discussion”? I eventually would like to
feel comfortable expressing my opinion without feeling as though I’m putting
someone down. Maybe part of me IS putting them down, which is why I feel that
way. So I’m working on that one, too. And what about when someone tells a joke
that is “okay” but not hilarious? I need to be comfortable laughing the
appropriate amount for ME and not just trying to be polite… I see all of this
now. I mean, I always saw it, but it didn’t matter. I strongly voice my
opinions on topics I care about, and everything else I just stay polite on,
because it doesn’t matter to me. But maybe I should feel more comfortable
expressing my true reactions, regardless of how much it matters or doesn’t
matter.
As I work on all of that, I’ve decided to get more
involved in the arts again. I’m SO excited just thinking about it! Of course I
have dance, but I’m also going to start taking vocal lessons, and maybe even
some acting classes! I want to try to get back into poetry, music and drawing,
as well. These are all just thoughts at the moment, because I have a lot of
events coming up right now. I might wait until after the holidays, but that
will be perfect – I can shop around for great places to pick these things back
up.
I’m opening my life up to new possibilities! Who knows
what will happen!!!! I haven’t felt that way in…. geez, I don’t even know when.
I never had such HOPE and EXCITEMENT before! I really did feel like I was
stuck. Like I did everything I was told and I had the job and then I guess I just…
do it until I die. Switching jobs when necessary, of course. But I have nothing
to live FOR or to spend the money ON or be HAPPY about… and then of course
there is the whole MY PURPOSE being to HELP people thing… So I’m SUPER EXCITED
to see how this all plays out! It’s like a movie with twists and turns, where you
don’t know what’s going to happen next… then at the end you’re like, ohhhhh I
see how that happened! You watch it again and notice all the hints along the
way, and you see how it all fits together… that’s going to be my life. And that’s
going to be YOUR life. You just have to, literally, dare to dream. And truly,
it is all about believing in yourself and giving yourself permission to be who
you are, and PERMISSION TO DREAM. And depending on how your life has gone, that
may be a tough thing to do – I know it has been for me, which is odd, because I
thought I was, and it’s all been very obvious the whole time – it’s really just
a matter of changing your perspective. Sometimes you need a little push from
something… and for me it was definitely The Untethered Soul and The Daily Love,
and everything that followed those discoveries, accompanied by my open heart
and mind to a new way of thinking, since where I was at CLEARLY was NOT working
for me.
Love yourself. Comfort and care for YOURSELF as you’d do
for a child. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You DO deserve it!
For the first time ever I’m excited about my future, and
I believe in myself. Like Mastin said in a recent Daily Love post, we just have
to focus on one step at a time.
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