How to React to Insulting Advice

When people imply an insult to me, specifically about something that I KNOW is a STRENGTH of mine, I get really angry and upset, and my heart closes up and starts racing

Sometimes people might think they are trying to help. But they’re not.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows I am responsible and prepared. Especially those I’m about to talk about, because they’ve literally said it and come to me for help because of it.

The other day at work I sat in the break room eating my lunch. When I was done, I went to the bathroom before coming back to clean my dishes, collect my stuff and go back to my desk. I left a couple personal items on the table as I went to the bathroom for a minute… since I was coming right back, and the area is safe and secure.

An hour later, a bunch of us were walking down the hall. My friend/co-worker asked if I’d gotten my personal items from the break room.

I was furious. I just gave him this look, like “Why are you asking me that…” and said “….Yes…..” I didn’t yell at him, but I wanted to. In my head I’m like, “Are you trying to say something? You trying to say I’m incompetent? You trying to look better than me? Trying to embarrass me in front of these other people, and make me look like a forgetful idiot? Like I rely on you or something? What the hell??? What was that??”

I’ll get through my stories before I analyze my reaction.

So later we’re talking about pets, and I say how one day I want a dog. I’ve discussed this with him before. He knows I’m responsible, obviously… and I’ve discussed why I don’t have a dog right now… and we’ve commented on how other people potentially are not responsible enough to take care of a dog… But to me, he says, “Do you really understand how much work it is to have a dog?”

Seriously?????????? You did NOT just say that to me.

“….Yes. I’ve had a dog before.”

“Yeah, but were YOU the one doing all the work to take care of him?”

“No. But regardless I know how much work it is…. HENCE I DON’T HAVE A DOG RIGHT NOW… I am not in a place in my life to have one…”

I’ve TOLD him that before… And I’m possibly the most responsible and capable person he knows… Boy, did my blood start boiling. Really? Did he really just act that PATRONIZING towards me? So ignorantly condescending?

Okay, that’s enough of my reaction from my ego. Time to break it down.

As we know, when you get upset with someone, it is because it triggered a pain within you. I know that. I know it makes no sense to literally be mad at him for this stuff, and especially to start attacking back in my mind. It’s all a defense. Regardless of his intentions, it shouldn’t bother me as much as it did. If it is so ridiculous, I really should be laughing at the matter. And yet I’m not.

I already know that I have a huge issue with people implying I’m incompetent. That word was used a lot as I was growing up, and it was essentially the worst thing you could ever be, aside from a slut. But someone calling ME a slut would be completely ridiculous, since I am almost the complete opposite, so I’d laugh at it if someone tried to say it. But I’ve been made to feel stupid and incompetent before, so that one isn’t funny. Plus, that’s how I judge other people, too, unfortunately… but I’m working on it. So that’s why this one gets way under my skin.

Let’s neutralize the situation by remembering who the source is. Remember that when people say things, it is more about them than about the other person. I know the issues he has had with having a dog, so really he is merely pointing out things HE learned – like how much work it is to actually take care of a dog. So I’m here saying, “Really? YOU are saying this to ME?” When the thing I’m referring to is exactly the point… most likely he is pointing out what he realized along the way. And really, especially with this guy, anything about me is completely left out of consideration to the advice he gives. And that’s actually true about… everyone, probably. I try really hard to cater my advice to the person I’m talking to, but the original advice comes from what I have learned. So yeah, advice people give has little to nothing to do with the person it is given to, and a whole lot to do with the person giving it. He’s not even thinking about how responsible or prepared I am when he’s speaking, even though he complimented me on it the day before. It’s just not even occurring to him at this moment, because that’s not where his advice is coming from. It’s coming straight from his own life experiences.

Granted, that is all a guess. But it makes me feel better, and I’m fairly sure it is true. So now that we’ve neutralized it, let’s take it the next step.

Regardless of WHY he said it, it shouldn’t be bothering me. That part is something within ME that I have to fix. I’m giving these silly words extra meaning and letting them affect significant portions of my day and my attitude. Even if he meant it how I originally took it, it doesn’t matter if he thinks I’m incompetent. He can believe whatever he wants – it doesn’t affect anything and it doesn’t make it true. Take what resonates and leave the rest, right? So if nothing resonated, just leave it all. That is EXTREMELY hard to do when it brushes up against your triggers. But I’m self-aware enough to remind myself of it until I return to a calm state.

I really don’t know how to react in those situations though. I know I don’t want to attack and yell, but I can’t really just get up and walk away, either. I’ve been giving an angry look and changing the subject, then stepping away to breathe later. Is that a good reaction? I guess for a baby-step it is. Eventually I should be able to actually compliment them on suggesting things like that, but let them know I’ve already considered it or taken care of it. That’s probably my goal as far as a reaction.

Yeah. I like that. I’m insulted because I already know all of that, and I think I’m really smart. So really I should just praise them for being smart, too. That’s the healthy reaction! The loving reaction, instead of the fearful reaction!

So the bottom line is, instead of thinking, “Wow, you don’t get me at ALL if you suggested THAT…” I need to a) remember that people give advice based on their own experiences, and it generally isn’t catered towards the person receiving the advice, and b) if it’s something I already know, I should pay them a compliment for also knowing it.

Hopefully this helps you in your own conflicts!