Full Circle

I’ve been so busy (and therefore stressed out and unable to go to dance classes) over the past couple months that I gained back a lot of weight that I lost. I had to spend this weekend going through clothes, breaking out the old “fat clothes”, and finding which items fit well so I don’t feel like I’m about to break them. You HAVE to wear clothes that fit you well, because otherwise it adds to the insecurities. What I noticed was that I don’t feel as miserable as the last time I was this weight. I don’t feel miserable at all, actually. Last time I was sad, lonely and felt so much shame for my weight. I was attempting to hide myself, and wear clothes that were a little brighter and prettier such that it disguised how horrible I looked. Notice the negative and shameful attitude in that description… When I realized those old clothes fit again, it was disappointing. But then I saw that I am in a much better place this time, and I think that is the lesson. That is an indicator of my progress.

I don’t have the same lack of hope that I did before. I know I will lose the weight and get super fit. I’m not worried about that. Not only that, but when I look in the mirror, yeah I can single out all the bad areas, but I still know that when I smile and feel happy I radiate beauty. Quite a different perspective. This time I don’t feel like I’ve given up and surrendered to the big clothes (okay, I do a little), but I just know that I will continue to feel confident if I can wear clothes that FIT, where I’m not worried about the muffin-tops and the tightness. The size of my clothes are not what make me beautiful. My inner light shining into the world is.

So in the midst of this unfortunate task, I’m actually really proud of myself. I can see why this might be a lesson the Uni-verse has presented to me. I KNOW that I care way too much about my weight and always have. Post-college have been the heaviest years for me, and looking back I laugh at how I thought I was heavy in high school and college. Completely ridiculous. And really, I’m not even that bad now. I’m chunky, but I’m not “fat”. So really I need to appreciate where I’m at, because it could be a LOT worse. Normally that mentality doesn’t work for me, but on this topic, now in my life, I think it does. I can look back on old pictures and realize, wow, I didn’t appreciate how good I looked back then. I’m not going to make the same mistake now. In the long run, this realization is worth the temporary weight gain. Healing these thoughts in my head is actually what will probably save me.