Fear of Failure: Weightloss

I’ve been thinking about how my personal growth and the issues I have relate to my weight. I think I started off by believing the weight was like a barrier protecting me and hiding me from the outside world; then I thought it might be protection from dealing with the unknown (and known) consequences of being in shape – finally having no excuse to not live my life and possibly dealing with being objectified by men.

Now I have a new thought. Fear of failure. I’ve tried so many times all my life to lose weight. Nothing seemed to ever work. My weight fluctuated unrelated to the effort I was putting into it. SO many times, especially in the last couple years, I tried so hard for months – counting calories and busting my butt at the gym, just to MAINTAIN my weight. That was the worst feeling in the world. It made me feel like a failure. It made me feel hopeless and helpless. It made me feel like I had no control over my life, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing would ever be enough.

I think that is really the issue. I’ve known that I have to just tell myself I want to live a HEALTHY life and not worry about busting my butt – just do things that are sustainable without expecting an outcome. Go for walks every day. Dance and exercise. Eat right. Not to LOSE weight, but to BE HEALTHY. That way I can’t be disappointed. That way I won’t get all stressed out and upset about not losing any weight, and yet I would still be living a healthy lifestyle, and eventually the weightloss would come.

I think that’s an issue I can tackle though. It is a tough one, but it might be a good one to look into. I don’t want to feel like that ever again – feeling so helpless. Working so hard and seeing nothing in results. Having everyone around me try to give me advice that I am ALREADY DOING, and having them not believe me, because clearly if I was actually doing it I would be losing weight. I hate that feeling. I’m practically tearing up right now remembering how that feels.

I know now that the stress and misery of it all was really what was keeping me from being successful. I’d gone to the doctor and of course they had no idea what was wrong – but after doing my own research and everything, I know now that it is a very real thing – whether anyone believes me or not. THAT is my problem. Everyone has their own opinion that they try to shove down my throat – you have to cut back calories; you have to eat organic foods; you have to do XYZ. I keep trying to explain to them that those are not my problems. I’ve had to make an effort over the last couple years to eat MORE because I was punishing myself and my body by not eating enough, which puts your body into starvation mode, which causes you to GAIN MORE WEIGHT. So cutting calories is a stupid suggestion for me. I already eat HEALTHY, so those suggestions are also stupid. Everyone just goes with the generic advice for the average American and with whatever worked for them. PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. I know what problems I have. I know what I’ve tried and what the result was. I already have an issue with people telling me what to do, as if I am completely helpless and can’t make any decisions for myself. The fact that I’m doing everything I can and no one believes me and there are no results leaves me completely deflated and depressed.

That’s the problem.

So now I need to find it within myself to not be afraid of another failure. I need to put that same amount of effort in that I did once before, but I need to not be so hard on myself and not start getting stressed out and anxious about the results. But I’m scared. I’m truly terrified to try to put my all into this again, because it never works. All that hope, all that logic… and no results. Completely demoralizing. I know that’s a negative tape I am playing in my head – but that is what my history has proven to me. My tapes say, “Don’t even try. You’ll just get depressed and you won’t see any results, and when you give up, even more weight will pile on. You were meant to always be fat. Live with it.”

It’s actually a really emotional thing for me to be thinking about. Like I said, I am truly scared. I am scared to fail that badly after putting so much effort and all my heart and soul into something like that. Logically, now I know it is just a FEELING and that feelings can be overcome. When I get discouraged, I have to process that emotion, disprove it and keep going. Winners never quit, and quitters never win. If I stay with it long enough, it will work. Maybe for me it takes longer. Maybe for me it truly takes a completely irrational and illogical amount of time to lose weight. But it will happen. I can achieve the body I always dreamed of having. I just have to boost my morale and keep going, and I have to acknowledge that I can’t push myself too hard too soon and I can’t expect results right away or even in a specified amount of time. I have to take time COMPLETELY out of the picture. I am working to have a fit body. Time and weight have nothing to do with that. Time and a number on a scale have nothing to do with it. They are irrelevant. It’s the goal I’m working towards, and I know how to get there. That’s it. That’s all that matters.

So I’m going to be working on getting beyond this fear so I can really bust through the weight and the mental and emotional issues that are attached to it. You know what, I bet if I can conquer this, my self-esteem will be so much better – and not because of the way I will look, but because of what I will have learned about myself and my mental and physical strength.

Do you have any fears like mine that are keeping you stuck?