What to Look for in Love and Marriage

I finished Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. Such a fascinating read! It took me on quite a journey, but I think I ended up basically where I started (as far as my opinions and what I want out of love), just with more knowledge and a deeper understanding.

So love and marriage can mean whatever we want. I believe I was right to think that you don’t know the full extent of the compatibility and dynamic of a relationship until you have a fight. What you fight about and how you handle it will tell a lot about how the relationship is set up and how both members of the couple view each other. Only after both have stopped trying to impress the other and get real and authentic can you really analyze the relationship and work to make it last.

As far as being opposites or the same; equals or traditional gender roles; best friends or merely “business” partners (where the business is to raise a family) – all of that is up to the individuals involved.

Just because [unhealthy] relationships are just band-aids to cover our deep wounds doesn’t mean that it’s bad to have a few nurturing aspects. Don’t desperately depend on each other, but you can have that person be part of a support system when you are in a rough spot and the sensitive areas of your heart could use some extra support and encouragement.

I still defend that you need to have the same idea of what a relationship and family should be. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want him to view intimacy as something special shared between two people who care deeply for one another. I want him to trust me as a life partner because of my impeccable wisdom, foresight and values – because he agrees with them, even if he can’t think of it himself all the time. However, I do expect that he consciously thinks the same things most of the time when it comes to making smart decisions in life, in our relationship, with kids, etc. This is one of my big successes, though – to not expect it ALL the time. To acknowledge that he will not, in fact, be an extension of my own being. He is his own being, and as telepathic as we may seem, we cannot in fact see into each other’s minds. He should have traits that compliment mine, and we should be able to tolerate each other’s worst moments.

That’s another important thing – you have to know the darkest moments and the worst your sweetie is capable of and be able to love him through it. You don’t have to love the behavior, but you have to know that it can happen, and that you are willing to work through it if it does. Usually people try to remind me, “No one is perfect,” and I always reply with, “Yes, but there are imperfections you can deal with, and there are imperfections that you can’t deal with.” Find someone with imperfections you can deal with, because you WILL have to deal with them. You can’t pretend they don’t exist – life doesn’t work that way. Repressing things like that will only cause a huge disaster later on.

It’s important to know what you expect, but also acknowledge what you do not expect. I do not expect my husband to always say the right thing at the right time. I do not expect my husband to always tread carefully around my heart’s sensitive areas. I do, however, expect that he will actively try to communicate gently and effectively, and if he crosses the line, he will apologize and work to correct himself with visible results. I, of course, will do the same.

Transparency, honesty and open communication are obviously very important to me. I go above and beyond. Apparently I need to do a better job of conveying how important it is that my S.O. be honest with me instead of trying to “keep me happy”. I always try to portray this. I give speeches. I try to explain that I will trust him much more if he tells me everything and we work through it, or else just don’t do stupid things to begin with. I express how keeping things from me will only cause problems down the line when I find out (and I always find out). And yet I’ve still had to break up with guys who kept things from me. And if I believe their excuse, it was because “I’d get mad”. Cowardice is not a good excuse for lying, but I can work to make sure my poor S.O. is not quite so terrified of me, although I do like the concept (sick, I know).

Most important is that I have to be able to honestly put myself in his shoes. If he screws up, I have to be able to put what I know aside and put myself in his emotional state. I have to have empathy for him. This hasn’t been my strong suit in most relationships. When someone screws up badly, they see my Hulk side. Simple things like using my dish towel for their hands or leaving the toilet seat up doesn’t bother me, but ignoring me for two days when he knew I was upset is sure to turn me into a monster.

There’s another thing I require. If I am upset, I demand that you prove you care such that I feel comfortable opening up to you, and you must attempt to comfort me. Do not dismiss my feelings. Do not try to fix my problems. Simply listen and be encouraging, loving and supportive. Support while knowing that I can fix my own problems and do not need your help, just your love. Be silent and hold me, if that’s all you can think of. Just be there for me. That’s actually a basic thing that most girls want and most guys suck at. But that’s what I require. And here’s the thing – I don’t want to feel needy. If I hint to you that I’m upset, take that hint and pry. I don’t want to come crying to you demanding that you come comfort me and care for me. That is not only controlling but superficial and does not help the unloved mood I am in. I want you to care all by yourself. I want you to care enough to want to know what is wrong and to comfort me. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do that. I know guys get confused by that, and if you don’t look at it that way, I can see why. But would you rather a girl demand that you be by her side and force you to listen to her? Wouldn’t you be upset about that, too? I know I sure as hell don’t want to force a guy to do something he doesn’t want to do, especially when it is CARING for me. How fake is that? How is that comforting? It’s not. So, guys, take the hint. Show that you care. If you don’t care, then don’t do it. You’ll get yelled at and potentially broken up with, but don’t be fake. That’s not fair to anyone involved. If you don’t care enough to be there for her, you probably aren’t right for each other…

So that’s a little bit about what love means to me. The whole “agreeing on values” aspect goes a whole lot deeper, but overall that’s basically it. I see areas I can improve on, but not a whole lot has changed since before this journey.

What does love mean to you?

The Need to be Needed for Wisdom

I had an interesting thought today. First I guess I have to give a bit of background.

I love helping people. I always seem to be the confidant, counselor and advice-giver to all my closest friends and boyfriends. I always make people think about what they are doing, and really analyze what the next step is for them. I still don’t understand how some people grew up only thinking in the short-term, but I’m here to help. I’ve had many exes come back and tell me that I changed their lives in a positive way, and most people really value my insight and advice. Helping people makes me happy. That’s part of the reason I started this blog to begin with.

So my thought today was this: Maybe if I stop trying to help (or fix) people, I’ll stop attracting people who need help.

Pretty obvious, when you think about it. A couple months ago I’d already put the pieces together and acknowledged that I seem to attract people who need my help in some way, big or small. Well, guess why? Because I’m probably actively seeking it out. While this may (or may not) help society at large, this is also probably warping my view of the world and keeping me lonely and miserable. I search for relationships where I can feel needed and important, and this is achieved by using these extraordinary skills of mine. But it’s a catch 22 because then I feel like no one gets me, and I’m all alone in these thoughts that seem so obvious to me.

I have to break my attachment to wanting to feel needed.

Giving that up is a really terrifying concept. Ever since high school, and probably sooner from influences around me, I learned that the way to keep someone around was to keep them dependent upon you. That’s what I thought love was at that age – needing someone. If they needed me desperately enough, then that was a deep love. It became more complex than that, but I think that’s been the undertone for me all along. Now I see how fear-based that is.

Well, hold on a second. My heart is protesting against this cut-and-dry explanation. My entire problem is that I wanted people to think like me, and could never find it. I hated it when I had to explain to people why something they did was wrong. I wanted someone to figure it out on their own without me having to spell it out for them.

Maybe this was self-sabotage. That’s what I wanted, but a deeply seeded feeling of having to be needed to be loved may have screwed that all up. “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” Mine wasn’t at all as extreme as that phrase usually implies, but nevertheless, perhaps my need to be needed was pulling in relationships that my search for love and friendship couldn’t work with. Maybe that’s why I had such long loving relationships, but inevitably I couldn’t deal with them anymore and I left.

People who have themselves together don’t need me, so why would they want to be around me? Ah, writing that out resonates with me.

It all comes down to self-confidence, doesn’t it? I get my confidence from my morals and values. I get my confidence based on the choices I’ve made. I’m definitely no saint, I’ve screwed up a handful of times, but I wake-up really quickly and learn from those mistakes. I make sure they never happen again. Some people make mistakes over and over and over, and I don’t understand that. I can’t process that. Does it make them feel strong because maybe they got away with something? The short-term consequences weren’t that bad? Again with the lack of seeing long-term or beyond your mere sensory intake.

Sorry, I won’t rant.

The point I was trying to make is that I found my area that I can flaunt that makes me feel confident. For some people, that is their body. For some people, their book smarts. For others, their masculinity. For me, it was advice and insight. That’s where I shine, but I’m relying solely on that aspect of myself for my confidence. Some of the times I’ve felt the most miserable were when I had nothing in my life to analyze in that way. I felt like I was losing myself because I had nothing to think deeply about. I very much identify with this ability I have, and it basically defines me, at least to myself. I have to remember that there is more to me than that. I am more than my wisdom. I have value beyond that wisdom. It’s tricky though, because I really don’t want to let that go. That’s my lifeboat. That’s what makes me stand out. That’s what makes me proud of myself. Not gonna lie, that’s a very good trait to be proud of, but the problem is that I’m clinging to it. I have to love ALL of me.

Well, I guess I’ll get to working on that.

Steps to Handle Arguments and Other Interaction Problems

From all the “life assignments” I’ve been handed recently, I think I’ve come up with a guide on how to deal with interaction problems with others. Here’s what I’ve got.

So you get into an argument with someone, or someone does something that ticks you off. Have no fear! Just follow these steps.

1)      Reflect and Analyze. Take a step back and analyze the situation. Know that right now you are probably flooded with emotions and have the urge to attack and defend yourself. That won’t help the problem! Look at what happened. Separate out what was said versus what you heard. Ask yourself, why does this bother me so much? How am I interpreting what was said or done? What simple concepts does it break down into? Once you’ve done this, you can separate out what needs to be addressed and what you need to process and get over. You may not like it, but at least know it. For example, maybe someone was blatantly disrespectful to you in front of your co-workers. What they said and how you feel about it is something you have to get over. The fact that they said the disrespectful thing in such a public forum is something that needs to be addressed.

2)      Deal with the Main Problem. Once you’ve identified the main problem that needs to be addressed, calmly collect your thoughts. Determine how best to communicate the problem such that the other person will not get defensive and try to attack. Do not argue about what was said or done that offends you, but merely the main problem. For example, address the fact that you found it inappropriate to discuss personal matters in front on co-workers, and ask them to please refrain from those sorts of comments in such a public setting. If they do end up poking at the problem, stay strong. Do not let them drag you back into the argument. They can believe whatever they want. You won’t necessarily be able to change their mind, and you may set yourself up such that people think your “little talks” are just opportunities to continue the fight instead of resolving it. Your goal is to resolve the main issue – not to convince the other person that they are wrong. That is something that only bothers you for your own reasons. If they are “wrong” about something work related, then tread carefully. You do need to discuss it further, but do not use words that will cause tension, and do not get flustered if they do use those words.

3)      Separate and Get Some Space. Once you’ve addressed the main issue, you may still feel resentment. You may still be upset about what they said or did, and no matter how hard you spell it out for yourself that it shouldn’t bother you, it still puts you in a bad mood. You still think about all the things you could say to them. This is where you need some space. You need to take some time away from that person and from thoughts about that interaction. When you take some space and don’t have another encounter looming over you that you are planning out in your head, your life starts to move forward again. The argument may have gotten you stuck in a ditch, but getting some space allows you to get unstuck and start moving again. Then you can feel refreshed and able to deal with whatever situation arises next.

That’s what I’ve learned, and that’s what has seemed to work for me. Obviously a work in progress, but that’s what I’ve found so far. I hope this helps someone!

Enough with the Stereotypes!

Disclaimer: There are at least two sides to every story. What I'm about to say is one view. I have multiple views in my head at any given time. I just encountered a situation where this view was relevant and on my mind. Whichever view is lacking in representation I generally harp on. I demand fairness. I’m also using this blog as an outlet today, since I knew it was inappropriate to say a lot of this in-the-moment. Sorry if I offend anyone. This was meant to defend, not to offend, but sometimes the line is blurry.

Here’s the problem with people. They project and believe all these stereotypes. If you believe people with money are horrible and don't know the value of money, then you yourself clearly wouldn't want to have money, right? You don't want to be a horrible person, do you? Of course not. But the premise is wrong. It’s just a way to make you comfortable with having no money.

Everyone is an individual and they can use or abuse their gifts however they want. You can't lump people together. And really, someone with some extra money and maybe even time has the capacity to do more with it, don't they? I'm not saying they DO, I'm saying they CAN. Which means, if you stop being scared of being successful and start building up a savings account and pay off your debts, you could have some extra cash and do some good with it. Which would make you a good person and very informed about the value of money, if you chose to be that way, even though you "have money"!

I don't mean extra cash as in, "I've planned a budget down to the last penny that does not take into account any unforeseen problems, and I have $20 extra this month". I mean, "I have no debt or I have a substantial emergency fund, I don't spend money on things outside my means (aka I don't buy a car it will take me 20 years to pay off and I don't throw all my food money away on partying every weekend), my bills are all accounted for and I have 'extra' cash I can use to do some good in the world and even treat myself or my family to something special."

I feel like some people (my age) think having huge debt is a badge of honor. It's not. It’s not something to be embarrassed about, but it’s also not some grand merit that earns you a special sort of respect. Why is it that (some) people who spend money they don't have think they can manage money better than those who are saving money, carefully managing their money and don’t have some of those problems? How does that make any sense? How can you jump to that conclusion and dismiss someone as a human being based on your ill-informed stereotype, based on no information at all?

My biggest issue with that is the hypocrisy.

Okay, here is what I understand. I can understand their thoughts about themselves. Being really in debt means you have to be extremely careful and diligent in tracking your expenditures. You have to plan ahead to know that you will have enough money to eat every day until the next paycheck comes. Look for deals; study your bills and bank statements; etc. I understand that you HAVE to be good at managing finances when you live paycheck to paycheck.

Somehow some people think that those good money management skills and having a comfortable amount of money are mutually exclusive. What!?

Well I hope these kids remember that when they get a little older and start a family and suddenly have savings accounts. Because I’d sure love to remind them that now they can no longer declare that they know the value of money or have good management skills, simply because they “have money”.

You know what, if they are saying this now, I’ll bet you anything they WON’T manage their money once they have a little extra, and they will lose it all over again. They will constantly be broke simply because they do NOT, in fact, have good money management skills. I see it in them now. They plan out the important bills, and throw away the rest on junk and booze. So how can they even say that!?

Yes, this is a rant. Yes, there are many different people out there with many different sorts of problems, financial and otherwise. There are studies that show that what I’m saying is true. But you can’t always follow statistics. Statistics mean nothing to the individual. That’s how this mess got started in the first place. Stereotypes and statistics.

I just don’t see the need to attack people based on your own fears.

Ha. Funny I should say that. Don’t I do that when I call girls sluts? Yep.

Everyone has their own issues. Everyone has their own fears and their own ways it has infected their lives. I just get upset when people are blatantly rude and disrespectful. At least keep it to yourself. Be aware of where it is coming from within you, and at least don’t inflict your own misery on others. As much as your ego may try to convince you otherwise, bringing other people down will not build you up. It only blocks love and reinforces fear and insecurity in you and everyone around you.

I used this blog today as an outlet. I managed the situation fine. I did not say any of this. That would not have been appropriate. I simply addressed the inappropriate forum for the comments that set me off. Any further issues I have, which as you can see I have plenty, I know I have to process within myself. But this feeling has stayed with me for a day already. Some things still tick me off, despite all my progress. With all the issues I’ve dealt with lately, this one messed me up the most, because I know the line between what I can/should defend myself against and what I have to just take, accept and resolve internally. And I don’t like it. I can’t attack people for their opinions. I can’t change people’s views of the world. What I can do is work on myself to have it not upset me as much. That's all I can do.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

…I think I’m slowly starting to figure it out. Slowly.