My Weight Keeps Me from Hurting People

As I was reading A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson, I made a powerful and tear-jerking realization about my weight and about my life: I fear that by being attractive, I will hurt people.

I noticed that a lot of the symptoms I had for not wanting attention and not wanting to be found attractive lined up with the feelings of people who were previously sexually assaulted, which I found odd, because I have never experienced that trauma.

But now it all makes sense. During high school and college, there were a lot of guys that liked me. I had trouble connecting with people, and often my best friends were guys, and often they liked me, as well. It was very hard to take in, due to the fact that I didn’t see myself as being very attractive, and yet I knew I was attractive enough to draw a lot of attention.

And break a lot of hearts.

I’m a very compassionate person, but at the time I also had very low self-esteem, so I had a horrible combination of enjoying the friendship and attention, but at the same time struggling with setting boundaries, and inevitably I led a few guys on, and I always felt so extremely guilty for it. Not only that, but I saw how even in my best and closest romantic relationships, I could become judgmental, critical and mean at times. I even saw how a few guys fought over me and became vicious, themselves.

I think that is the purpose of the wall I have manifested into my flesh. If I’m fat, I won’t be responsible for the heartache of others. If I’m fat, I can’t possibly lead people on. If I’m fat, no one will want to get close to me, so I can’t possibly hurt them.

Wow. I got teary-eyed when I made that realization.

It’s SO FUNNY how we all keep listening to the pop culture, cookie-cutter advice of the world for why we think certain things, why we do certain things, etc. Based on all of that, I would have NEVER thought that I was actually protecting OTHER PEOPLE from ME. All the advice in these books, etc. says that we are protecting OURSELVES from SOMETHING ELSE. But there was a unique set of circumstances – a lead up to a section in the book that wanted us to think about the guilt we have from all the people we think we have hurt, and how by hurting others, we hurt ourselves… and there it was. It clicked. In this case, I was protecting others from me, and in effect protecting me from myself, because I thought I was a horrible person and I didn’t want to hurt anyone and further prove to myself what a horrible, unworthy person I am.

I had been all excited about declaring that I didn’t want my “wall” anymore, cheering myself on about loving myself and manifesting the true me. But when I made this realization, I had to sit with it. Now that I knew what the wall was holding back, I wasn’t so sure I wanted it to go away… I had known I didn’t want to be found attractive, but I forgot why. Now I remember. I had known I didn’t want that kind of attention, but I forgot why. Now I remember. Because I end up hurting people and it kills me inside.

I feel like I hurt everyone I let in. I vilified myself; I caged myself so I couldn’t hurt anyone. And that bleeds into how I isolate myself. I keep everyone away from me. I cut it off right away, that way no one gets hurt. I don’t get hurt and they don’t get hurt.

So now I have to love myself through this realization. I need to tell myself that everything will be okay – if I become attractive again and get attention, I won’t lead people on – I will know when to speak up. I have to trust myself to be able to handle the situation, and even if I handle it wrong, it will be a learning experience, and I will learn how to handle it better. It isn’t my fault, they just want me to like them back, and I’m just trying to be nice and continue the friendship. But I MUST be able to set boundaries, and I MUST be willing to suffer the consequences (them leaving) if I have to set them straight.

Really, I shouldn’t even have that problem anymore. I’ve grown out of needing attention like that. This is the high school me. The current me doesn’t care for being friends with people who have crushes on me. I already learned not to do that. So these fears are old and outdated. However, abandoning those poor souls is mean and I’ve done that a few times, as well… damn. THIS is my issue. I was hoping people would stop liking me when I gained weight, but a couple of them still do, which is even more of an ego boost. But I MUST figure out how to handle it. I must figure out the healthy way to deal with it.

This is going to take a while. I’ve definitely repressed this one, because I thought I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I need to conquer this fear so I won’t self-sabotage my efforts to manifest the thinner, healthier version of me. Any suggestions??