Meditation Wisdom and an Elk

I just had a pretty intense meditation. I was crying. Therapeutic tears, I assure you.

So I was walking around my house, ready to go back to the couch and watch television, but I felt this nagging feeling that I needed to meditate. I’m always complaining about how I don’t have time, and yet there I was, with time, yet terrified of it for some reason. Logically, this made no sense. Every time I meditate, it is a wonderful experience. What was I afraid of exactly? That it wouldn’t “work”? There is no “work” - if nothing else, it is just relaxing. Worst case, I get a few moments to calm my mind. Best case, I uncover some fantastic wisdom from within my soul, and maybe even a totem spirit animal.

I decided it was just my ego, desperately trying to win the battle between fear and love. So I sat down, assumed the position, and allowed my mind to do whatever it needed to do. It was kind of fun at first – it basically rewound through the things I’ve been watching, doing and listening to for the last couple weeks. It paused on one, and dug a little deeper into the meaning and emotions behind it.

Before I knew it, a voice within me was lecturing me and almost yelling at me, but not in a bad way, if that makes any sense.

I guess I need some back story – so I just rediscovered this band from the 90s that has a really cute lead singer. First of all, the fact that I’m even saying that is weird. My entire life I was very proud that I didn’t see people in that way. Well, at least my life since late-high school to 26. But this will make more sense as I continue explaining. Anyways, so the guy looks just like an even more famous celebrity, and yet I never found the original celebrity very attractive, but this guy was. And you know why? Because you can see the joy pouring from his soul. It’s the kind of smile and energy that brightens a room. Many people love the celebrity look-alike, but if that one ever smiles, it is a conniving, arrogant smile, if you ask me. The guy always seems serious, maybe even miserable, and is most likely using his smile to charm you into something. This other guy just glowed with joy, silliness and light. Mature silliness, if that makes any sense – innocent silliness, not attention-whore silliness. At least that is what I projected onto him. Yet, as Mark Nepo says, “Whatever opens us is never as important as what it opens,” and this guy had opened me up to consciously verify that it is joy and happiness that makes people attractive. I’d been toying with that idea about myself, but here it was going the other direction – what I found attractive. Makes a slightly different statement on the heart, if you ask me.

Which leads me to the next thought. I’ll write this as close to how it went down in my head as possible.

Yeah, well someone like that would never be interested in me.

Why?

Because I look like a child. It just doesn’t look right.

So you are assuming he is shallow? You are assuming everyone who is attractive is shallow?

I mean…. Yeah, I guess. I mean, look at me. I’m over-weight and I get mistaken for a teenager all the time.

Stop it. Are you kidding? You need to get over this thing about feeling like a child. You are not a child.

But I just don’t feel like an adult. I don’t feel like I can take care of myself. I don’t feel competent.

Again, stop it. You didn’t even need to, but you’ve proven that you are competent and can take care of yourself. People look UP to you for that. And guess what? NO ONE is as competent as you think you are supposed to be. Everyone does the best they can, and people are always learning. THAT’S what it is to be an adult. Sure, you have room for improvement. But that doesn’t mean you’re not an adult. Hell, people WAY more childish than you go around declaring that they are adults. It’s all in your head. You need to have more faith in yourself.

Well whatever, I still look like a child.

First of all, who the hell cares what you look like?? Have you learned nothing?? And regardless, think about it – you’ve had boyfriends you felt that way about before. You felt like you looked like a child standing next to them. You felt like it didn’t fit. I guess they were too attractive for you? Too “adult looking” for you? Like you didn’t belong? Well guess what – It’s not your job to determine who or what they like. If they like you, just accept it. Seriously, take a look at your life. Almost every single boyfriend you’ve ever had has tried to continue to be in contact with you. ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ONE. They all want YOU in their life! You need to LOVE YOURSELF. Why don’t you?

(Starting to cry) I… I don’t know.

Why don’t you love yourself?

I don’t know!

You think you look like a child. The other night at the club, who were the guys all trying to dance with? YOU. One of the other women you were with even commented on it. And that guy you were tempted to ask to dance, he would have said yes. He would have. He kept leaving his friends to come stand by you. He walked away only when another guy was dancing with you, and later he came back. Even if that was a coincidence, which is highly unlikely, he still would have danced with you. And let’s not even focus on guys, here – everyone likes you. Everyone. Think about it – EVERYONE LIKES YOU. And it’s not because you suck up to people, it’s because you are real and you care. A couple people don’t like you because they were friends with your ex, and you broke his heart. DUH they won’t like you. And a few people might have misinterpreted your low self-esteem as you not caring about them. But other than some very valid cases, people like you. They love you, so again, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE YOURSELF?? You’ve done something most people haven’t. You’ve managed to get this far in life without screwing up too much or doing too many stupid things. And here you are, at 26 years old, having this big spiritual transformation. People don’t go through this that early. You need to be proud of yourself. You’re not perfect – nobody is, but you don’t even have ANY excuse to not love yourself. Why don’t you love yourself??

I don’t know. But you're right. Do you have any advice for me?

Here’s what you need to do. Talk to a cute guy.

Huh? What?

Talk to a cute guy. Any cute guy. If it’s not natural or feels wrong, don’t do it obviously, but have the guts to do that.

Why? That’s completely shallow! Why would I do that? For what purpose?

It’s not about being shallow – it’s about how you feel about yourself. You don’t think a cute guy would talk to you. It has nothing to do with how you feel about him; it has everything to do with how you feel about yourself. You don’t think you are worthy enough, lovable enough, or attractive enough. And you’ve decided that anyone else who is attractive is completely shallow. That keeps you safely isolated and alone. These are all horribly negative and unhealthy thoughts. You are waking up now – you are realizing that you are worthy of love, and that you can’t project all these thoughts onto people just to torture yourself. You don’t know these people. People are complex. You can’t just make huge assumptions like that. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone. It’s time to have faith in yourself. Maybe the guy will be shallow, but that is not the point at all. If he’s shallow, nothing changes. But if he’s not, there’s Exhibit A for reconstructing your entire view of so many things. And you KNOW you are wrong, so keep doing it until you find Exhibit A, and then keep going until you’re just chatting with people and you have no preconceived notion of how shallow or deep they are as human beings. You know better now, so get out there and act like it.

Okay. Yeah, okay! …So do you have a spirit animal for me?

You want a spirit animal? Okay sure, here it is. (Visualize an Elk)

An elk?

Yep, an elk. There it is. Alright, we’re done here.

Just like that?

Yeah, just like that. Time to get back to the real world now.

Thank you.

My subconscious is a little snappy! But I love it!

I looked up the elk as a spirit totem animal, and it represents entering a time of plenty; courage; pacing yourself in your goals and tasks; strength; nobility; empowerment and guess what – companionship. WEIRD!

Despite how much I didn’t want to meditate, I am so happy I did. I’ve started giving myself the nurturing love that I feel I need. And that nurturing love can still give me a kick in the pants! I guess that’s my next task, to talk to some random cute guy to start curing myself of my inability to love myself. And I love the wisdom that came out of me: It isn’t about being shallow or your feelings for him; it’s about how you feel about yourself. That really clicked with me. It’s so true. Well duh it’s true, I told it to myself… but it was a real light-bulb moment.

When will you start giving yourself the same kinds of pep talks???