I was just looking through pictures of myself from my
senior year of high school, just about 9 years ago. They were pictures I had
hidden away in my old room at my parents’ house. I was shocked. I was so
skinny! SO skinny! I was overwhelmed with grief when I saw those pictures,
because when they were taken, in my mind I was the same weight that I am now.
In my mind I was overweight and ugly, and that just wasn’t the case at all. I
spent so much time hating myself, when I could have been… I could have had and
been anything! I had so much beauty, talent, wisdom, intelligence, compassion…
I had everything. But I didn’t even know it. I didn’t believe in myself. So I
manifested a reality that supported that belief.
I read through some messages people wrote in my yearbook,
as well. People were saying how it was cool to get to know me finally, and that
I was really smart, sweet and courageous for defending my morals, and that it
was a shame others didn’t know it. This was all RIGHT THERE. I’ve READ these
before, and yet I brushed it off as people just being polite. I figured they
just didn’t know how horrible I was. They didn’t know me and all my faults,
otherwise they’d feel the same way I did.
It is such a shame how our perceptions can taint our
lives like that. It is a complete tragedy. I’m just overflowing with love and
compassion for that version of myself. I started to realize that my parents
were even trying to help. I found all these books in my old room about
believing in yourself and being happy. Somehow I decided that those didn’t
apply to me. Somehow I decided I didn’t deserve it. I read through them now,
and I see that those are exactly the concepts I needed to hear and learn! But I
just wasn’t ready for it, I guess. How unbelievably sad is that??
When witnessing something like that, it is really hard to
remind yourself that everything that has happened has led you to who you are
today. All I can think about is how much time and happiness was wasted through
the potentially best years of my life. Almost a “youth is wasted on the young”
thing. But I try to remind myself that I had to go through all of that to get
to where I am now. Going through that helped me become intuitive, compassionate
and analytical. Going through that helps me look at my life today and not take
myself for granted the way I used to. It all had to happen. Now I know that
when I look in the mirror, I can’t be cynical. I know that 20 years from now I’ll
have the same experience of regret if I don’t seize the moment in the present.
I have to love myself, no matter what I look like and no matter what failures
or judgments are thrown at me. It’s almost a backwards way for me to realize that
things could be worse, because that concept is a trigger for me. So instead, I’m
to realize that I don’t see everything I am, and later on I will look back and
cringe at how I treated myself. I don’t deserve that. I deserve self-love. Try
to realize it now and don’t waste any more time.
I’m getting there. I’ve been working on loving myself. As
for the weight, I’m working through the emotional issues as the foundation for
that effort. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t abuse yourself into
shape. Your body will sabotage it. I can’t punish myself with diet and exercise
for looking like crap. I can’t deny myself little pleasures and mock myself
into submission. That’s not how it works, and that is how I used to always do
it. I thought that was the only way, or at least that it didn’t matter how you
emotionally felt about it. I would get so frustrated because I calculated every
food and exercise session, and mathematically I should have been losing weight!
But I was MISERABLE and full of stress and hate. I felt so helpless, because it
never worked before, and right from the beginning I felt like it wouldn’t work.
So many things acting against me. Apparently normal people don’t have those
thoughts… at least not as much as I do… because everyone would just judge me.
Clearly I wasn’t actually doing what I said I was doing if I wasn’t losing
weight. Clearly I wasn’t working hard enough. Everyone gave me their opinion
and advice, which made me even more upset because I was DOING IT. It made me
document and present the results to everyone to prove that I was truly doing
what I said, and I truly was not losing weight. It was a big depressing mess
and made me hate myself even more. It made me feel even more worthless and
hopeless, until several months later when I felt so shameful that I just quit.
And then I started my dance classes, and I dropped 10
pounds right away. What!?!?!? Because I was HAPPY.
This is why I’m working on my emotions first. I can’t use
fear as a motivator. I have to use love. I can’t exercise for fear of being
fat. I have to exercise as a means of loving my body. I have to do it because I
enjoy it and I love myself, not because I hate myself. My intentions have to
change before it will work and before it will be healthy. The point is not to
lose weight – the point is to be healthy. People still try to give me advice,
because they see little things I’m doing and they are like “what you need to do
is do XYZ, then you’ll really lose weight” and it’s like… no. Just no. Stop.
Sometimes it starts to get me upset. Sometimes people are like “Huh???
Emotional issues with it?? Uhhhhh okaaaaayyyy…. Weird…. Get over it and just DO
it!” Those are really hard to hear. But I have to keep reminding myself that I
know what I’m doing, and just because other people disagree or don’t get it
doesn’t mean I’m wrong. They don’t have to get it. It’s not their life. Some
comments are harder to hear than others, but once the sting goes away, I know I’m
right in what I’m doing. Sure, maybe I’m sensitive. But I have to act
accordingly. Not paying attention to it is exactly how I got into this mess.
Anyways, the lesson here is that you need to appreciate
yourself. Don’t get caught up in all the negative. When you look back, it won’t
matter. When you look back, you’ll see everything you were very clearly. Jump
at every opportunity to grow and grab happiness. Take risks, put yourself out
there, believe in yourself and give yourself permission to go after your
dreams. Love yourself. I’m working on it, and I hope you will, too.
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