Snap Crackle Pop

The last two and a half weeks have been ridiculously busy. Due to my growth, the first few days I felt no stress at all, when normally I would. I pulled 11-hour days at work to make sure I was on track to finish my tasks on time. I was tasked with coming up with new solutions for problems, and was asked for a timeline before I’d even begun looking into what those solutions could be or how to implement them. Yet I had no stress or negativity. I was calm and happy. It was almost creepy.

After those first couple days, I felt more pressure, but I was able to keep the stress at bay. I could feel it, but it wasn’t overwhelming. I was able to remind myself to just focus on one thing at a time. I had enough hours in the coming days to get everything done. I’d cleared my schedule to make time for everything. It would be fine. Everything would be okay.

More and more things were added to my plate, for work and after-work activities. Normally I can keep a mental note of all the deadlines and events coming up, but there were so many back-to-back that I was worried I’d forget something or not be able to prepare properly. It’s really sad how even fun things can weigh on me if my schedule is too tight. It’s just that I’ve been barely making it through each day as it is, dragging myself and my mental attention between each immediate task, and I had no time to think about or plan for anything else. I’m a planner. I have to determine what the timeframe is, when to leave, what time to get ready, what I need with me and the consequences of those decisions on all my other activities. Will I have to go straight there from work? Then I’ll have to collect my stuff together the night before and take it to work. Will I not have time to take a lunch break that day? Then I have to prepare a quick nonperishable lunch the night before. Will I get home too late such that it would affect my early morning obligations? Then I’ll have to cancel, or leave early. I can’t just “show up”. I have to plan things out and know how everything affects everything else.

When I’m pulling 11-hour days at work and my weekends are booked, my normal responsibilities get scattered. Suddenly, in addition to everything else, I’m struggling to find work clothes in the morning because I haven’t had time to do laundry, or my clean laundry is scattered across the floor because it finished running at midnight and I wasn’t going to spend all night folding it and putting it away. Mail, dishes, meals… everything that should be a #1 priority is pushed aside because there simply is no time. Heaven forbid I want to vacuum or dust my house! (Side thought: I don’t know how parents do it. I can’t even do this without kids! Props to parents everywhere.) So luckily I grabbed an hour here and there throughout the week to do some of my chores in stages.

So at that point I’m tense, I’m overwhelmed… and then I just snap. I tried so hard not to snap. What’s interesting is that I’ve learned how to be more “authentic” and loving when relating to others and socializing, so I was applying it pretty well, but inside I was screaming bloody murder. I had nothing left inside me to give. I was depleted. So ironically, being “authentic” felt completely fake. I was done. I had broken. I’m an introvert, and I’d exhausted all my energy. I cracked and I needed to go home and reset. The feelings hit me like a ton of bricks, as the saying goes. It was not very graceful. When I got by myself, I sobbed and screamed for about a minute, and then it was over. I just had to get it out. I didn’t even know that was THERE up until it was about to take me over.

And that’s healthy. You have to feel your emotions. You can’t suppress them – they will boil over. When it passed so quickly, I thought about The Untethered Soul. It teaches you to fully feel your emotions and to let it pass through you. Don’t let it get blocked up. Acknowledge them, feel them, and then let them go. Let them do their thing and leave. And that’s exactly what I had done.

So it takes 2.5 weeks of intense pressure for me to crack now, huh? That’s damn good. And two full days of no stress? Excellent. At times like this, you need to remember how far you have come, and not focus on how far you have to go.

So I took the hint and abandoned my plans for the next day (today). I shut off all my electronics until nighttime. I even wrote this blog on paper, because I’d hidden my computer from myself. I needed a day to myself, completely disconnected from the outside world. I feel so much better. I took the time to work through a lot of the feelings and worries I’d had, such as one of my favorite people from work leaving the office this week. Then I just enjoyed the stillness and the silence. I let the thoughts pass by whenever they wanted, like good neighbors waving as they pass by your house. Acknowledged them to their satisfaction, and they went on their way. I had no schedule. No “To Do” list hanging over my head. I’ve been raised to think that taking this time to myself is being “lazy”, but that’s not what this is. This is vitally important to my well-being.

I’m actually happy with the timing. I needed that push to break so I could reset. Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and if I hadn’t broken on Friday, I probably would have broken then, and that… would have been very ugly and horrible. I am so grateful the timing worked out the way it did, and I am very proud of myself for the effort and restraint I put in, even though I was not perfect (who is, right?). I’m still a little upset about how ungraceful I was right at the end there, but I have to forgive myself, and it definitely could have been worse.

Hopefully my latest breakdown can help you guys when you feel overwhelmed, too! Pay attention to the signs, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Feel your emotions. If you respect them and acknowledge them, they will pass quickly. If you ignore them and repress them… they will lash out and bite you!